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Anyone got any good dad jokes?
thanks,
Katy
The father won a toy in a raffle
He called his kids together to ask who should be given it.
"Who is the most obidient?" he asked
"Who never talks back to Mum?" and
"Who does everything she says?"...
In unison they all piped up "Ok Daddy, you get the toy!"
Whilst having their evening meal a little girl looked up at her Dad and asked "Daddy you're the boss in our family right?" The Dad was very pleased with this and replied, "Yes my little princess" she continued, "Is that because Mummy put you in charge?"
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners and the relaxation class was in full swing. The teacher was teaching the women how to breathe properly along with informing the men how to give all the nesassary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies excercise is good for you, walking is especially beneficial, and gentlemen it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room went quiet and a man in the middle of the group raised his hand....
"Yes?" asked the teacher
"Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
I made a bad mistake today and gave my Dad soap flakes instead of cornflakes for breakfast
Was he mad?
Yup, he was foaming at the mouth!
I made a bad mistake today and gave my Dad soap flakes instead of cornflakes for breakfast
Was he mad?
Yup, he was foaming at the mouth!
Not a joke as such - but this reminds me of when I was a kid of about 10 - we had a dispenser which fed out thin sheets of soap about 2 inches by 3 inches. I persuaded a friend of mine that it was rice paper and he ate it - was nearly fatal as he was much taller than me and built like a brick sh*thouse and could easily have killed me if he'd wanted 😆
A young man had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when the young man's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his friend, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, the young man, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! His friend just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, the young man, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into the young man's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August - duh!
Here's one I like, it's got a rude word in it but it's funny....
One day the teacher challenges the class to construct a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.
Little Mary was the first to raise her hand. 'Yes Mary?' Asks the teacher. 'My little brother had the measles and my Mam said to beware, as they are contagious.' 'Well done' says Teacher.
Next up was Jack. 'Yes Jack?' asks Teacher. 'My Dad was off work last week because he had a bug and it was contagious.' Very good says Teacher.
At the back of the class was Jimmy, picking his nose and flicking the snot at Mary. 'Come on Jimmy,' says Teacher, 'Can you think of a sentence with the word contagious in it?'
Jimmy thinks for a short while, and jumps up enthusiastically, 'Miss, Miss, my next door neighbour was painting his fence with a paintbrush and my Dad said It's going to take that contagious.'
So, there's this little boy walking down the street, crying his eyes out, dragging behind him a squashed frog on a piece of string. He walks up to the door of the local brothel and knocks. When the Madam answers, he pulls out of his pocket a wad of notes, and through his tears, he sniffs at the Madam, 'I want to sleep with the dirtiest, most disease ridden prostitute you've got.' 'I'm sorry young man,' she answers, 'that's not the kind of establishment I run here.' So he waves the notes in her face, and again through his tears, demands the 'dirtiest, most disease ridden prostitute you've got.' 'OK,' says the Madam, 'down the corridor, last door on your left.' Off he trots, dragging the squashed frog behind him, and enters the room. 20 minutes later, he comes out with a big grin on his face, says thanks to the Madam and makes to leave. Before he gets to the door, she has to ask, 'Why did you want to sleep with the dirtiest, most disease ridden prostitute I have...?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'when I get home, Mam and Dad are going out and I'll sleep with the baby sitter and pass on the disease to her. When Mam and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby sitter home and sleep with her and he'll get the disease. When he comes home, he'll sleep with Mam and she'll get the disease. Then tomorrow, when Dad goes to work, Mam will sleep with the next door neighbour and he'll get the disease AND THAT PRAT RAN OVER MY FROG.'
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
a dad walks into a doctors and say,"doctor i think i'm a moth" the doctor replies you need a psychiatrist, dad say "i know but your light was on
Dad and daughter text message:
Daughter: Dad there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Daughter: Pls hurry because I'm going to cry
Daughter: Dad
Daughter: Dad
Dad: Dad is dead. You're next.
Love, Moth
Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card .
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
bodysuit
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