[Solved] Politically correct christmas

In these days of political correctness, there should be a little reassessment of what we are asking folks to sing and what we are telling them. The following may be of some help.

The basic story
I simply dare not think of the implications of our appearing to condone letting a near-term pregnant woman (married or not) undertake an arduous journey on a donkey along unlit and unmettalled roads, accompanied by a lone male who appears to have little or no training in midwifery or even first aid (nor CRB check) and whose marital status seems to be in some doubt. Similarly, I feel that we should not be seen to endorse the placing of a new-born on unsanitised straw in an environment where animals are present and wearing unsuitable clothing - strips of cloth are simply not acceptable. Perhaps we should indicate that it is far safer, and a legal requirements for first births to take place within the confines of a recognised hospital or maternity unit and under the supervision of a correctly trained member of the Royal College of Midwives! There appears to have been scant regard for the process of registering the birth with the local authorities which, in itself is illegal and we cannot be seen to support such flagrant lawlessness. All in all the nativity story is fraught with potential pitfalls and situations where a preacher could find himself in serious problems with numerous agencies.
 
For goodness sakes do not broach the subject of Father Christmas. He is forever illegally parking sleighs, causing reindeer to act in unnatural ways, breaking into homes and consuming copious amounts of sherry and mince pies - such role models must be strongly discouraged.
 
Guidance for the singing of 'Festive Songs'
 

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Shepherd's division of the National Union of Farmworkers has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place. 
 
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
 

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
O little town of Bethlehem,
How still we see thee lie.

The mayor of Bethlehem has asked us to point out that Bethlehem, which is in Palestine, is technically a city under the Palestinian definition although there is some dispute that it may be considered a suburb of the greater Jerusalem conurbation albeit under a different national regime; whatever, it is neither 'little' nor a 'town' and these words should be replaced with something more suitable.
 

The United Nations points out that in order to "see" how Bethlehem lies, it will require some form of surveillance which is likely to provoke both the Israelis and the Palestinians and therefore cannot be permitted.

O come, all ye faithful
O come all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant.
Come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem

The real problem here is that in our multi-cultural society, 'ye faithful' is an unquantifiable term. Should we assume it to be the Christian faithful then the carol falls foul of the religious discrimination legislation by excluding those faithful followers of other religions such as Muslims, Brahmins or Jedis. Also, it appear to exclude those of a Christian disposition whose faith is less strong. In like manner, it only invites those who are joyful and excludes those whose lives are presently less than joyful. Should 'ye faithful' be taken to be ALL faithful of all religions then great offence will be taken by numerous religious groups to the call to worship a deity unrecognised by them and such a call will be seen as seeking to subvert their legitimate religious status.

The mayor of Bethlehem has asked us to refrain form encouraging vast numbers of religiously motivated people from travelling to Bethlehem since, being Palestinian and essentially Islamic, Bethlehem cannot guarantee the safety of such revellers whose presence may be seen as invasive. Furthermore, all requests for visas to enter the Palestinian homeland must be completed at least six weeks prior to the trip. Please remember that travel to Bethlehem requires access through Israel and permission from the Israeli army to pass though the border - such permissions are required in writing and take six to eight weeks to negotiate.
 
HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Actually even that statement has problems...
We cannot demand that people have any specific state of mind so cannot use the word "Have"; we must be tolerant of those who either desire to have a less than happy time or, indeed, are subject to some circumstance which may preclude happiness and even the term Christmas may be seen as pejorative to those of a non-Christian persuasion. Perhaps something like "Hello" would be better, but only a total lack of any verbiage at all will come close to ensuring universal acceptance (although such lack of verbiage could be seen as offensive to those who are verbally or audibly challenged)