[Solved] Mediation Process

Hi Jason,

Mediation is held with a legal body sometimes a solictor sometimes just someone experienced in law, they won't (or shouldn't) side with either one of you, their aim is to be impartial and promote an agreement.

They may seem like they are siding with one party or the other as they may sometimes try to sway a decision on something if they feel one party or the other are being unreasonable.

What I would say is go in with an open mind and be open to compromise, as that is what mediation is about, if you go in with a rigid mind of what you want it is unlikely it will work.

Also not that mediation is classed as "without predudice" so anything agreed to in the sessions aren't legaly binding, you are able to make them legally binding by having them written into an order either by the family courts or a solicitor.

The mediator will always look at what is best for your child, they will consider your situation and views but altimately it's about your children and what is best for them.

Darren

Hi there

One thing is for certain if you don't want mediation to work then it won't - so as Darren says go in with an open mind.

You have nothing really to lose and a lot to gain as you will have a facilitated conversation and you should both have the opportunity to put your point across

Good luck and let us know how you get on - it is something that we often refer to so getting some first hand experience will be good

Thank you Darren and Super Mario.

I certainly will be going in with an open mind, and I think (fingers crossed) it should be relatively easy to come to an amicable agreement. We both have the best interest of the children at heart, and I think I have an ex-partner who is more reasonable than most when I read some posts on here.

My current situation is that after separation six months ago, I have enjoyed 50% access (in terms of overnight stays, my ex-partner having them more during the day as she is still on maternity leave). I have them three nights one week, and four nights the second week.

My question I suppose, for anyone who has experienced this, is what do the mediators deem fair in a ‘normal’ separation, where the existing arrangement has been 50% shared care? We both have parental responsibility, and I just want to continue with this shared approach which has worked until now. If I was to stick to my guns and say I want to continue 50% 'equal and fair' access, and we couldnt get this agreed, who would be deemed the unreasonable party? I ask that specifically because whoever is deemed unreasonable I assume would get the upper hand if it escalated to a contact order - and I really want to avoid this for everyone involved if possible.

I will provide some feedback myself to you all once I have completed the mediation.

Hi There,

As said the mediator isn't there to take sides or judge anyones idea of what is fair, they will guide you into coversations and compromise.

The idea of mediation is that if you can agree to an arrangement witjhout the intervention of the court then it will more than likely work (that is as long as each party has agreed and doesn't feel forced into an arrangement)

if something you have done for some time and it has worked then there is no reason to think that if you went the legal route then it would work again and that the judge would look favourably towards it. The main concern of the judge is your childrens best interest and if they feel that what you propose is in the best interest of them then that is the main thing.

Where are things falling down? what are the reasons for mediation, has your ex tried to change the arrangement of contact?

Darren

I think the failings of the access agreement is due to frustrations from both sides. One with the separation itself, which we both have questioned if its the right thing, the other is financial arrangements, and finally it can be any other random and often trivial reason.

The problem I have, is that whenever we have a disagreement (unrelated to access), the response is to say I cannot see them on my allocated day. Often, it turns into a big row, then about 95% of the time she lets me have them anyway, so the arguments ends up being a pointless one but each time adds to the bad feeling between each other and our respective families.

So, we both feel its necessary to have something agreed in the company of a mediator. I did try to have something written informally, which was exactly what we had been doing for six months but she refused to sign (I understand that too is not legally binding anyway, just wanted it acknowledged in writing).

I have sent her papers for mediation, and then afterwards she asked for mediation (rather than acknowledge my offer of mediation). I assume it is irrelevant who asked for mediation as long as both agree to take part in it?

Jason

Hi There,

Thanks for that,

It doesn't matter who asked for it as you say it only matters that you both attend.

If you say neither of you are sure that the split up is right why not hold off on mediation and see if you could try relationship counseling instead to ensure you have explored all avenues before you decide it is the right thing, you never know sitting with someone that can help you both open up could be enough to not only resolve the confilct and allow you to stay together but if it does'nt allow this then it could give a better understanding of each other allowing easier reselution of the contact issues if you decide to split up.

Darren

Unfortunately, that may have been an option a couple of months ago but I think we are past that stage now. Time will tell if that becomes a possibility again, but in the meantime we both feel we need to resolve the issue we have with the children. I want them to continue the routine they know so it doesnt become a problem with them.

I just hope it can be resolved quickly, at £200+vat per session and upto five sessions, Id much prefer to spen the money on the children!

Yep I can understand that, That seems expensive too if i'm honest, from memory I paid £150 inc vat for the first hr for the first round of mediation and £90 for an hr and a half the second.

It will be worth it though if you are able to keep it out of court.

Darren

Darren

As a result of your post, I gave them a call to double check fees. The initial assessment is free (30 minute session), then it is £240 inclusive of VAT for each 90 minute session thereafter. Then there is a £156 charge inclusive of VAT for the final agreement. They also advised that there is no limit to the number of sessions, which makes me a little uneasy. My partner can claim legal aid, so there is no great urgency to come to an agreement from her side.

Im sure myself and my children can find better use for this money should it carry on for 4/5 or more sessions. Even then I may still have to pay £200 to go for a contact order so Im starting to see less value using this route.

A couple of questions then;

1. Can I agree to mediation, but request it be carried out somewhere that charges a more reasonable rate?
2. Where can I get a list of places that dont charge the earth?

Thanks,
Jason

Hi There,

I'm not sure if you are able to reply and say you wish to attend a lower costed mediator, but I guess as its volentary you could say no and then find one at a better rate for yourself.

Try National Family Mediation - 0300 4000 636

And see what they suggest

Darren

I will give that a try - thanks again.