[Solved] Lost with what I can do

Hi Lost Father

We are so sorry to hear about your circumstances. We will ask some of our experts to make comment about any options they think you might have.

It might take them a few days so keep popping back

You state in your post that you are concerned about the judge’s comments regarding the likelihood of success of your residence application. The family courts do not generally grant residence to a non-resident parent unless there are serious and substantiated concerns regarding the resident parent’s ability to look after the child. The courts are not in favour of uprooting children from their current routine and it is not generally considered to be in their best interests to do so.

If the judge has suggested that your application for a residence order is highly unlikely to succeed then it is up to you whether or not you pursue the application further. An application for contact or shared residence by a non-resident parent is generally more likely to succeed than an application for a residence order in situations where the courts do not feel that a child is at a risk of harm.

If you require any further information regarding this issue or any other child law issue then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0845 120 2948.

I feel for you, im in a very similar position. Wife did as little as possible in our marriage, work, house, relationship until i had had enough. I worked 60 hours a week, got the children up gave them breakfast, nursery /school, read them bed time story, looked after them at weekends, did the house work, repaired her car, cooked.....her no job, no effort. I Tried to talk but to no avail, year after year this went on so i took the decision to leave. Yes i knew it would be hard but not this mental abuse of the children. She has used them as her emotional crutches, where they would run to her and comfort her at every little upset, or mention of me. They are not allowed to talk about me, look at any pictures, mention my name, she calls me all sorts of things and when my daughter (7) / son (5) ask her what that means she explains in full graphic detail. She does not bath / wash / brush hair and when i did along with my new partner (of 18 months who has a Daughter (3) in the bath with them) she tells the children that its against the law and they should not let anyone else see them like that apart from her. I have had police intervention at my request due the nature of her name calling. She listens to all telephone calls i make to them, my daughter will not even wear a T shirt that i bought as it upsets mummy, thats just the tip of the very big emotional ice berg. My daughter has become withdrawn and acts like the adult her mother (thats a joke) should be, trying to protect her mum. I have tried everything to meet my wifes demands so that the children are left to be children, yes i know its not ideal that I left and I feel regret, guilt for what I have put the children through, but the more I back off, bend the more she pushes. I know if she would stop this behavior research shows that the children can have a well balanced happy life, CANT SHE SEE THIS? When I walked away from my home (that I worked for all my life, not her) when I had to leave my children (the most beautiful things in this world) due to my wifes lack of respect for marraige/ effort / love I went from being a dad, a husband to a monster, who would snatch the children, let harm come to them, could not be trusted to share and help them develope in life.

If she wants to hurt me, call me names .... then fine, but for gods sake leave the children alone

I have read article after article/ spoke to many people and it all comes back the same, the same message again and again,

A MOTHER CAN MENTALY ABUSE HER CHILDREN TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY HAVE MASSIVE PHSYCOLOGICAL ISSUES THAT CAN LEAD TO ALL SORTS OF BAD THINGS LATER IN THE CHILDRENS LIVES, ALL THIS TO GET REVENGE, NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS. CAN A FATHER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT? CAN HE TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT? WILL ANBODY LISTEN TO HIS CONCERNS? SO WHAT DOES HE DO.....WALK AWAY SO THAT THIS STOPS, THEN HE IS CALLED AND LABLED AS ONE OF THOSE MEN WHO DOES NOT CARE AND HAS WASHED HIS HANDS OF HIS FORMER LIFE.......STAND UP AND FIGHT, SPEND ALL HIS DISPOSABLE INCOME AND MORE, LOOSE HIS MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH, JUST TO BE SHOWN A SOLID WALL / DEAD END AT THE END OF A VERY LONG TRAUMATIC PATH FOR HIM, HIS CHILDREN AND HIS X, ALL THIS DUE TO THE COURTS STONEAGE APPROACH.

MOTHER KNOWS BEST

I do not know what to do for the best, damed if you do damed if you dont. Until I was in this position I was one of those people who listened to stories about absent fathers with shock and took the stance that fathers do walk away and start life again with new partners at the drop of a hat. I did not realise that many do this out of shear desperation to stop the hurt / abuse of his children.

Thank you Flatliner it is hard what we are going through and its just so wrong but as you say little seems to be done too change this situation.

It is very kind of you to express your situation and I do take some strength from this in some small way and on some level it helps to know your not on your own

Thank you

CAN A FATHER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT? CAN HE TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT? WILL ANBODY LISTEN TO HIS CONCERNS?

HI Flatliner - your name makes me think that you feel you are the end of the line dude. I hope thats not the case 😉

Mate British law seems like its all over the palce but the truth is that the courts have the childs interests as their main concern and that includes contact with dad. Dads bring vital stuff to childrens lives and Britian is slowing waking up to that fact . Don't give up and if possible stay positive for your kids sake. Don't let their mum get you down coz unfortunatly she is just as big a part of their life as you are. You two have to get on some how - Yeah i know easy for me to say i'm not in your shoes. I do honestly feel for you buddy, life sounds [censored] but focus on your kids and their need for you.

People will listen, just try to detatch yourself from the anger you feel for your X when you talk to them. The system is there to help you, its not the enemy. I promise. Arm yourself with legal advise from folk like the Childrens Legal Centre or Community Legal Advice.org.uk and let that advice breath truth into you that you are not powerless and you have rights that the courts will respond to. ( if you are named as dad that is on the brith cert!)

If there are dads out there who are in the same boat and are thinking moving out coz its all to much - try this... Don't move out just move rooms, sleep in another bedroom. take your kids out for the days without your wives, take annual leave and pick them up from school and take them out for tea without telling the wife, then text her and say where you are, ok it might hit the fan when you get home but it's not ilegal and you're their dad you can do what ever you want. Why not make life hard for her so she moves out first. Who says we have to go.. 😈

Thanks Westwing

I was a hands on dad (the type that i think all kids should have) and friend to them for 6 years my daughter and 3.5 for my son, so now its so so difficult to be made to be the lowest life on this planet.... A FATHER WHO LEFT......with minimal rights. I know she is a big part of their lives and respect that they will love her what ever, Ive never said a bad word about her to the children and kept my feelings away from them. I do all the usual, asking them what they have done with mummy and saying wow, telling them to have a great time, I made a promis to myself that I would never use the children (even though it would be very easy to do) in the way she has. Ive only lost it once in front of them, calling her a Stup** Bit** after a torent of [censored] from her infront of them and I was disgusted with myself.

Thankyou for your words they do help.