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Hey guys, may seem strange me asking for help here but here goes. Im a mum to 4 gorgeous, smart, good looking, adorable boys. 7,5 & 3 yr old twins. I was with their dad for 5 years before he left me for another woman the day after twin 2 left special care unit after he was born with breathing difficulties. At the time I had a 4 yr old, 2 yr old and newborn twins to cope with alone. For the last 3 years ive given their father every opportunity to be there for his boys, given him access to them whenever and where ever he chooses as it was important to me that they still had contact with their dad and I didnt want us fighting about them. In the 3 years since he left he has been in and out of work and in total paid me £1500 if that in maintanence. For the last year he hasnt worked and has given me nothing. He forgot his twin boys 3rd birthday and didnt even so much as give them a card. He has them for 5 hours a week but only on a 2 and 2 basis, never all 4 at once and in that time he never takes them anywhere, never does anything with them and 'cant even afford' to feed them so I have to pack food. Ive had enough - Ive tried talking to him, tried shouting at him, reasoning with him, threatening him but nothing can make him see that what he is giving the boys is less than 10% in my eyes. I pay for everything, Im up all hours of the night when they are sick, Im wearing jeans with holes in as the money I have goes to them for their needs and I come bottom of the pile (my choice, my kids are my world and I will go without to make sure they dont). The boys were sick recently, I text him to let him know and he never replied, never asked how they were if he could help or even to check what was wrong or if they were still even alive. It was the last straw for me. I dont want to stop contact but I feel like he isnt offering me or the boys anything. From a fathers perspective what should this tired, upset, stressed mummy do???
Just also wanted to say that I have to pay for childcare whilst I work 30 hours a week despite him living round the corner and not working but wont help!
trixyvix,
Welcome (though I'm a complete newbie too). After reading your post the first thing that I thought was, how involved a dad was your ex. before he left? Seems odd to have been a dad for 4 years and become, as you describe, a very detached person. Was he always like this? If he was more engaged then surely there is hope for him to be a closer and more caring dad again. Dads are important in any child's life and I hope, no matter how frustrating, you keep trying to get him involved.
yadd
Hi Trixyvix and welcome 🙂
I completely understand how you must be feeling....I experienced the same thing, but I was only left with two children of 3 and 4. He disappeared off the face of the earth, which in some ways made it easier to cope...it just meant I got on with it without the stress of him popping in and out when he felt like it. I never received any maintenance from him and the kids never got so much as a birthday card! I did find out where he was a couple of times at the beginning, and took them to him in the hope he would realize what he had been missing, it made no difference, and after a while the children stopped asking about him. I never once said a bad word about him to them, I knew at some point they would make their own minds up, and they did in their early teens.
Thank goodness we had the love and support of my wonderful parents without whom, I wouldnt have coped so well. My children have turned out to be lovely, well rounded adults, with children of their own that they are doing a fantastic job with!
As he lives so close, its not as easy for you to get on with it all....but perhaps it might be better for you to stop trying to involve him, only for him to keep letting you down. I would be tempted to say leave him to his own devices. We cant force them to be a part of their childrens lives if they dont want to be... as sad as that is. Just put all your effort into your children, and by letting go of him, you're letting go of the stress and upset that trying to make him be involved is causing.
Good luck with it all and chin up 🙂
Hi , this post brings back memories. I also found myself alone with 4 young boys and Its such hard work. I had no money and used to ring him to ask if he would like them, he had them about once a month if he could be bothered. It got less and less . He was supposed to pay maintanance but never did, then a few years down the line he took me to court to reduce the payments he never paid !!! because he got married and had another son, I went to court on my own and told them the truth, I said in my statement, how can he reduce something hes never paid and hes just got married and hes been away for a month to peru, while I wash his childrens clothes in the bath as the machine is broke. I was awarded the payments and a little bit more and to be paid out of his wages direct, he was not a happy bunny. I used to do any sort of work, cleaning , factory just so they would have birthday and christmas presents
I eventually met someone else who became their step dad who was a brilliant father figure. I still tried to keep the contact going as I had grown up without a dad so i knew how important this was, I never refused contact but then he used to ask me for the fuel money, like an idiot I gave it to him. He had a good good job and still does.
When my eldest son got married, dad was there too, my son paid me a tribute, he said , My mum has gone without to raise me and my brothers and from all of us Mum we want to say thank you and how much we love you and respect you, by now I was crying
, Im very close to my boys I have 5 now, there grown up and lovely young men I have 3 grandchildren . The boys see him now and then and he does make an effort with his Grandchildren.
I would contact csa I know hes not working but he still has to contribute. I would not let him see the boys in your home and tell him to take them all out together they are brothers and not to be seperated. He could take them to the park for a couple of hours on a saturday morning or to a local football game. If the weather was bad he could take them to the cinama they do a childrens morning on saturday its a pound . Enough is enough and like Nannyjane said its time for you to not bother what he is doing and concentrate on you and your lovely boys, hes the one that will regret it
hi im new on here and ur post was the first 1 i opened and shocked me after reading it that how he could do that to the kids they didnt do nothing to him they should all be his top prioity no matter whot but i no if i did that to my wife then she would give me chances like you have then tell me 2 f off because its not fair on them aswell as you 2 b in n out of there lifes its just gna mess with there heads i would do it him personally and i no it hard but u should stay strong keep doing what ur doing if u no ur kids are safe healthy n have food in there bellys and a roof over there heads then ur doin a great job it guys like that, that give us good dads a bad name and i hate it coz my dad has done it me but it was totely diff coz he f off after my mum passed 10yrs ago and i oly seen him twice just make sure u tell ur kids when they are older that you tryed and he didnt what to know and it will be down 2 them 2 ask him y he did it
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