[Solved] Where did it all go wrong?

Having Fun as a Dad

Or Computers, Pom Poms and Exploding Cow Pats

One of the real joys of being a dad is having fun with our children. Having fun and playing with our children is an important part of their development. Children lean through play, it creates memories and hopefully aids in building a bond with them.

Board games, as well as being fun, teach our children to take turn and to wait for their turn. They can also help to teach our children to cope with disappointment. Depending on the type of game it can help with counting, reading, and following simple instructions. Some board games can help develop reasoning skills and creating strategies. Board games offer a structure and rules we understand besides the initial outlay for the game needs only our time, but can give hours of fun.
Card games offer similar advantages but at a much cheaper price.

Building blocks, Lego, Meccano, and such toys offer a chance to improve their imagination and improving problem solving.
Craft can help your child’s creative side to begin to come out, as well as your own.

The computers played a huge part in our daughter’s development and learning, as well as being a great source for creating unique games.

One type of project we used to love doing was creating unique sets of cards that she then had which no one else had. As she loved animals we created a set to play snap with which had animals on it instead of the normal card set. We spent time creating a unique playing card set, searching for unusual animals and birds. We would also use this to learn something about the animals we selected. This resulted in other game ideas, but more on this later.

Over time we used several methods to create the face of the cards. Using Avery Labels and software was a quick method. We put the picture of the animal on the software, along with the name, printed the label and then stuck it to the card or index card. Printing these out onto paper then cutting it out and sticking it onto index cards or directly printing onto card and then cutting them out. Just to add that extra factor we used to use photos of my daughter to create the back of the cards making them more unique to her.

As I said earlier we also used this to create other games. Choosing five facts we would put these onto other cards. You have a dealer and two or more players.

The dealer would deal out 7 cards to each player.
Picking a fact card at random the dealer reads the first fact.
Each player lays down a card which matches the first fact. If they do not have a card which matches the dealer gives them another picture card.
The dealer reads out the second fact.
Each player decides to either leave the card they have put down if it matches the new fact or discard the card laid down and put another one down, matching both facts.
If a player does not have a card to match both facts, the dealer gives them another picture card.
And so on until the dealer has read all the facts. Players who have the correct card laid out score one point.

For example:
Fact 1. Lays Eggs – players may put down pictures of a bird, reptile etc.
Fact 2. Has a beak – Most players will would lay down a picture of a bird.
Fact 3. Lives in Australia – So players may lay down a kiwi or other bird known to live in Australia.
Fact 4. Spends a lot of time in fresh water – players put in birds known to live near water, a wader for example or duck.
Fact 5. Is a mammal – There is only one answer now.

Players decide on their final choice, and then the dealer tells everyone it is a duck billed platypus. Each player who has this card laid out gets a point.

Change dealer and start again until everyone has had at least one turn of being the dealer. The winner is the one with the most points.

When making the fact cards be careful on the facts you use, as some may have more than one correct answer. The name of the animal on the fact sheet is the right answer. But try to minimise this.

Sometimes the activity came out of necessity. My daughter wanted to make a toy out for her cat. After some thought we decided to make pom poms. There are different ways of making pom poms on YouTube so I will not go into how to make them here. As we were making them for the cat, the only change I made was to have a large tail on the tie thread so they could be hung, or used to drag them along for the cat to chase and pounce on.

We revisited pom poms when my daughter watched Star Trek and fell in love with Tribbles.

One of my favourite memories though was when we were on holiday and my daughter wanted to go bug hunting. We got a paper plate and covered in some sticky food stuff, like jam, peanut butter, syrup, and honey. We went to a local public foot path to lay our plate out in hidden place to leave for 24 hours so we could return and see what bugs we had caught. While walking along the path I noticed a cow pat on the path and warned my daughter and her friend not to step into it. A moment later I heard my daughter screaming. Turning around I saw her covered head to foot in cow dung. My first thought was I should have asked them not to dive into it. My daughter got madder as I could not stop laughing. My wife was not happy either, as our daughter was covered head to toe in cow muck, but could not understand why I was covered in the stuff. At that point my daughter started laughing. Daddy was laughing at me, so I hugged him!

Who knew cow pats were nature’s land mines?

I realise that many of the ideas shared here have some expense associated with them. Pound shops, charity shops and other cheap outlets are some of our favourite shops.

I am not particularly artistic, but what I did find is once you start doing these things I started to get new ideas and began finding other ideas. Some ideas or things I discovered are free and fun.

I found with a hedge if you put your thumb and index finger down a ‘branch’ and pull the leaves look like a flower. One day when we were all out together I did this and looked at my wife and told I had a love flower. If I gave it to her and, the ‘flower’ stayed, it meant she loved me. Once I let go of the leaves to give it to her it all fell apart. I pretended to I was unhappy because my wife did not love me, and our daughter found this funny.

Daisy chains was another activity my daughter loved.

As she got older though there was some more fun to come. My daughter and some friends were curious about waxing their legs and if it was painful. Obvious solution, try it out on me. Nope no pain waxing my legs, arm or back. I did manage to avoid them waxing my chest. So, happy it was not painful, they waxed their legs and counted down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. They really should not use a test dummy with nerve damage so I did not feel the pain. But having several teenage girls mad at me because I had somehow cheated was funny.

To get their revenge they decided to put make up on me, put on some ear rings and get me to put a dress on. Then my wife decided, when they finished, she needed something from the shop and it could not wait. Of course my daughter and her friends decided to go with me to carry on the fun.

Power Struggle
Or Parent Ping Pong

As I have mentioned before, children will push the boundaries to see how far they can go. This is a natural part of their development and eventually sees them leaving home to build their own lives as independent adults.

This power struggle has been seen in many situations.

Battle of Wills.

A typical battle of wills can be observed over many a dinner table with parents struggling to get their children to eat vegetables with the child’s determination not to eat anything so disgusting.

Negotiation.

The parent, or child, knows what the usual response will be but tries to get past the negative response by negotiation a deal to get what they want.

Wilful Disobedience.

This is where the child decides they are going to deliberately break the rules or do something they know the parents will disapprove and there will be a punishment involved, but do it anyway. Parents may not find out, and consistency, or lack of it, may mean the punishment would be an ‘acceptable’ consequence.

My favourite though is Parent Ping Pong.

I admit this is my favourite because my daughter is a master of this technique. Parent Ping Pong is where the child wants something but will go between mum and dad to get the best deal.

When we got DLA for my daughter I wanted her to benefit from the money by giving her pocket money. This was mentioned to my daughter before my wife and I sat down to discuss how much. So, daughter goes to mum and asks how much, £20 per month. Goes to dad, how much, £50 per month. Wonderful daughter goes back to mum and says as Dad offered her more money she has decided to accept his offer.

On this occasion, she had found a small window of time to play parent ping pong and come out on top, it seemed no matter how hard we tried she kept getting these little victories. Times when the little strategies we had developed do not work.

Even at an early age she learned how to play parent ping pong. She would know who was more likely to give her the answer she wanted.

Mum, dad said to ask you if I could …

Er, no I did not.

Dad, mum said to ask you if I could …

No, she did not, but my daughter has already got the answer she wanted.

This lead to a new game, for a while at least of child ping pong.

Ask mum… Ask dad… Ask mum… followed by a frustrated daughter asking us to make our mind up.

There are variations, such as mum said if it was okay with you say I could … Looking for dad to say it is okay so she can go to mum and say dad said it is okay if I do so and so are you okay with it?

The obvious answer to parent ping pong is to tell daughter I will speak to mum and let her know. This of course just spoils the game and the joy of watching her trying problem solve how to get around her parents.

The final power struggle tactic I want to cover is emotional blackmail.

The aim here is simple, make the parent feel bad so they give in. The least subtle of these is of course I Hate You! My other friends can do it! You never let me do anything. You are ruining my life. And, plenty of other lines. Sadly, as neither of us drive, we never got the fun of I am never talking to you again, can you give me a lift too…

Do you have examples of power struggles with your children, how did you deal with them?

Congratulations on Becoming a Role Model
Or HUH???

It sounds like a bad joke, I signed up because I thought someone asked me if I would like to be a model, not a role model! Of all the things that went through my mind when my wife told me she was pregnant, well after the first shock, being a role model for a growing child was not one. I guess it does not matter how we become involved in a child’s life, biological parent, step parent, blended family, fostering, adoption or guardian, we automatically become role models for those children.

Being a ‘parent’ is something that is not natural, but one we learn. We learn from those who raise us, from other family members and close friends. It can be influenced by culture, social and community attitudes, even strange things like socioeconomic standing. One thing which is consistent, especially in early life, is those involved in the day to day lives of children are role models to them. For good or bad it does not matter.

One thing we cannot predict, or change is how much our children accept or reject the role modelling we provide. Once the family is no longer the main source influencing them and they are exposed to new ideas, influences and role models they begin to develop their own opinions, including accepting new role models.

I started to seriously rejecting my own father’s views and opinions when I was twelve. Later in life he decided to pick an argument with me. If I do not accept his advice why do I ask for it? It was not strictly true, there were things I went to him for because I needed his advice on how to deal with something, other times I used him as a moral compass, understanding that what was right for my father in certain situations would be the wrong solution for me.

It was not until later, after having my own child, I realised how much of the role he played as my father had indeed rubbed off on me. Only it had been tempered by other influences, my attitude to excuses is similar to his, and was one strong influence which followed me into adulthood. Where my father reinforced this with anger and discipline, I replaced it by dealing with it through example, explanation and care for the individual child.

There are other influences that I recognise as being from my father. A strong work ethic, which helped me to reject going on incapacity benefit when my sciatica was at work, and using a long term unemployment period to develop new skills while volunteering in my local community. Without this I would probably still be unemployed. I have always struggled with the work life balance which many people now talk about. My line ‘that is what holidays, retirement and death are for’ is typical of the sort of thing my father would say.

Learning between differences between who my father was and who I am and wanting better for my daughter has hopefully helped me to help my daughter get a better understanding. Like my father, I define myself a great deal by working. Work being the major influence in my life. For my daughter work is what enables her to pursue what is important to her in her life. She has one of the best work life balances that I know. Sadly, I have never been in a better position to create a better balance, but with my time divided between work, travelling, and coping with the sciatica it does not seem to be happening.

As a role model, I think I have been a disaster. For one thing, she is way too much like her dad, and by that I do not mean she has a hairy chest. Her values are similar, her sense of humour is far too close to my own sense of humour. She has made mistakes but has never done anything I am ashamed off. She receives respect because she gives respect.