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Ok, so my quest to return to something resembling a normal life continues. The two boys aged 8 and 12 are back at school and I am back at work, so far so good.
My ex who left me in July for her "first love" via Facebook continues to perplex with her actions.
Received a text early last week that stated that since signing our separation agreement (which she had had for a week to amend etc prior to meeting to sign with witnesses), she had had "advice" and wanted to change the financial agreement. This was a shock as am nearing completion of re mortgage to buy her out as agreed. 3 hours after I replied reminding her she signed it she replied saying she "wasn't thinking straight"! - I would regard that as a permanent state! After I suggested we bin the agreement and I organise an Mediation Info Assessment Order and go down the C100 route she re texted asking me to ignore the original text and keep to the original agreement (unstable?).
Then yesterday she took my youngest out and unbeknown to me, introduced him to her new man by going to a football match he was playing in. I had agreed to my son meeting her BF "when he was ready", he has consistently said to me he doesn't want to. He came home high as a kite and chattering ten to the dozen and it was apparent quickly that something was wrong (his behaviour was reminiscent of hers when she was cheating). I asked him what he had done and he gave me a recount of days events without mention of BF, when he finished I said "did you see ******" and he burst into tears and started saying sorry.
It's 2 months since we split, I think it's too soon but also that her getting him to say yes is no different to me getting him to say no - it's unfair and pressurising. She says I'm making him keep secrets by putting pressure on him - I think had she communicated her intentions we could have tried to genuinely gauge his feelings then I could have supported the visit if he was positive?
Sometimes it is so hard not to interrogate him when he comes back and I question if I am putting the pressure on him or if she is being naughty! I don't know how to find out how he really feels without stretching him in 2 directions....
This is so sad and very common, a child will often tell parents what he thinks they want to hear. He obviously felt very guilty about spending time with the BF by his tearful reaction. He will want to protect you, but you have to remember that he loves you both and the fact that his mother has split from you and left the family home is a lot for him to deal with. Just be gentle with him and give him lots of love and reassurance. He needs to know that his relationship with you and his mum is safe.
I feel you must reassure him that you will support him whatever he wants to do, tell him that if he wants to spend time with his Mum when her boyfriend is there then it's ok with you and try not to let him see how upset you are, it's still very raw for you too I'm sure.
I do agree that it's too early but now it has happened I think damage limitation is needed. I think you should discuss this with the mother and perhaps set some guidelines about contact with him...remind her that your son needs one to one contact with her without the BF there and that for the moment, your son needs support and reassurance and has had enough changes for the time being.... but agree to him being included at some point, agreed between you both.
I understand completely how hard it is not to ask the questions but its much better not to and wait for him to volunteer the information himself...he will when he feels comfortable enough to do so.
Best of luck 🙂
Thanks NannyJane, what a thoughtful and caring reply. I have seen her this morning and through all the vitriol and nastiness completely agree with you. He has had his loyalties tested unfairly and I had come to the conclusion today that I will tell him that I'm ok with visits with BF there and view it as a positive in as much as it is another step closer to some normal life for all of us. We will never agree who put him under pressure although she did admit to telling him not to mention it (but then he wouldn't have had to if I didn't ask!). She has obviously had similar conversations with him to some of mine, It's amazing how intelligent caring parents can put their children through this (I sometimes think "I'm not interrogating him but just this one question").
I have been in to school to arrange for him to see the school counsellor as everyone else he knows seems to be either actively or passively partisan at the moment.
Thank you
We are none of us perfect and you and the children have been through a very distressing time, but i can see what a caring and thoughtful person you are and you will get it right I'm sure!
Perhaps you can sit down with both of your children and talk things through....as a single parent I used to sit down with both of my children when we hit a problem and have a family meeting. I've always felt whatever age my children were, their opinion was important and talking things through informally, in an unbiased and non-confrontational way, was valuable to all of us.
I would add one thing - you said you are going to sit him down and say you are OK with him visiting her BF. I would go at it another way - tell him that you obviously aren't happy about the situation but what matters more than that is what he wants, and that whatever your feelings, his are more important, and that he doesn't have to hide things and you won't be angry at him if he doesn't agree with you. I think that's subtly different in that he knows you aren't hiding your feelings, but equally he doesn't have to hide his. Equally, if he does have a problem, he can talk to you about it without it being what you want to hear.
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