[Solved] Twisted Ramblings of a Mad Man

What are "Responsibilities"?

Let me start where everyone else seems to; I am a man. I am a daddy. I write this both saddened, angered and inspired. Yes that's a mix of emotions. Despite what we a programmed for, despite what is expected of us, we feel things too. We really, really, really, do.

I am not a criminal, I haven't stolen, cheated or laid my hands on anyone since I attended kickboxing in my youth, but in legal terms, they consented to being kicked in the mouth. I’ve worked tirelessly since the age of 11 years old where my hirsute nature allowed me to fool a local newsagent into thinking I was actually 13. Something which later in life means that I never get stopped for booze in ASDA self service, in fact they tend to look at me, wince a tad and scan their little barcode thing (the fuckers). But despite this, I'm frequently treated like a criminal, even if you’re trying to ‘do the right thing’. My index offence seems to have been making a child in a dysfunctional relationship. My on-going criminal activity is that I want to be a father. I pick that word on purpose. I want my son to know he has a father who loves him every bit as much as his mother does and certainly every bit as much as any non-man could. I want him to feel safe with me, protected, nurtured and adored.
There is an attitude that I am incapable by ownership of a [censored] (and for the trouble it causes me it could do with being a little more impressive) this appears to be supported in some cases by matriarchal figures.

I think of recent media (Rebecca Minnock) and how a mother abducted her son and had been concluded by multiple professionals to be making false allegations against the child’s father, e.g taking the boy to hospital after each visit with dad to be ‘checked out’ for harm. More social media indicates some public opinion was that most mothers 'understand' her actions and even go as far as to say about unfounded allegations '...it doesn't mean he hasn't done it'. This reminds me of Peter Kay’s Keith Laird character who supposedly bums dogs, ‘there’s no smoke without fire’. Actually in the family court arena it tends to be a smoke screen. I think that's just it. The burden of proof lies heavily upon fathers. Fathers have to prove themselves as a worthy parent; yet a mother is assumed worthy by default. I’ve seen the phrase coined of ‘the golden uterus’. A mother will believe another mother almost instantaneously regardless of lies she herself has told or has discovered on others, men are just mean and nasty and if you leave us unattended we’ll rape your children because we just cannot control ourselves. If a man says 'she hit me, she does x' we are rarely believed, unfortunately due to this antiquated attitude (that is very empowering) women can potentially be the most powerful abusers in society, they do not tell lies. Because not that lovely, little, pretty Mother, right? But that guy we've known as long "hmmm maybe". He owns a [censored].

I heard a comedian recently talk about how folk on the news following a tragedy usually claim "he was a right nice bloke, you wouldn't have thought" what would it mean if they came on news and said "you know what I saw him a week a Thursday kicking the cat at the wheelie bin it was only a matter of time before he stepped it up and built a dungeon in his basement to rape his daughters" we prefer to be duped by men or all-knowing about women. You can hardly blame people, men lie cheat and steal, there's more men in prison than women (and men dont cry, so they dont care). Women don't hurt others and they certainly don't hurt kids. Well, not unless you're a paedophile nursery nurse; but then again she looked a bit like a chap. Probably 'made to do it by men'.

I tend to ask myself this "would it be different if..?. " and "why is it different?", they’re interchangeable and equally aggravating. Is the fairest answer found in reversing the details? I think so but the answer is "this isnt about the adults".

What would happen, in the Minnock example, if the father had ran away with the child fearing he'd never see it again? How would this be portrayed? My embittered guess is that the police would have looked a tad harder in the very least. At worst the media would have destroyed this man. Very few are reporting that although imprisonable, its Dad that said he thinks this is unduly distressing to his son, is this because he’s a man? And why is this?

A lot of people mention that the woman carries the child for 9 months increasing her ‘entitlement’ to the child. I watched my child's mother get bigger and bigger helping with as much as I could from TENS machines, massages, through to maternity tights despite her vitriolic mouth (excused again); right up until she went through the hideous yet spectacular miracle that is childbirth. I will always love her and grateful of her for that. The child is an entity all of his own, he exists and we don't own him. We share a responsibility for him and I mean that wholeheartedly and I cannot imagine ever not. Some men do though, as do some women, although mainly men. You'll read contradictory statements of how 'he hasn't paid a penny why should he see his kids?!’, I just assume they mean they haven't shown responsibility for their children financially, physically and emotionally. Rather than 'paid' the mother for looking after their own child, this isn’t 1955.

In which case I agree but this is not a forever thing, take it slow, earn trust. But every child deserves to know where he comes from. All parents have a responsibility to their child that MUST be exercised (male or female) and it belongs to no one but the court to dictate this. Parents should agree the best way to do this between them. Again if one abandons their responsibilities and they want this back they have to be responsible about it. There's 101 reasons relationships end. Fathers I’ve spoken with rarely want to be the mother of the child, they merely want shared care, to be involved in care, decisions and their child. Is that such a mean request? Why is that such a fight? Is it the lack of control for one and the forcing of responsible conversation that’s really the issue? After all, very few in power wish to disseminate it. So if for arguments sake dad disappears, then wants in, they have to be responsible, mother also has to be responsible, it's the child's right, not hers. It isn't her job to be punishing the father on behalf of themselves or the child, life and the realisation of missing the child will do that enough. This can take many forms.

So, anyway, back the reason I'm rambling on. My own situation. To me it feels as though I am being punished and there's not a great deal that can be done about it. There's a system yes, but it's governed by people, the same people with the same biases. So I'm lost as to knowing what I'm guilty of, but I do feel guilty. I tried the best I could to support mum and again please let's not assume because she's a mum she's an 'easy' character. I stayed with her before and after the birth for around 3 months total and then we continued our separate ways. I was called amazing with my son by his mother, a natural, a great daddy. Agreed upon leaving. So I left, I left my relationship I didn't leave my son, but I couldn't take him with me for one it’s not allowed. So now, mum, protected by those biases dictates when and if I can see him. In fairness she has never outright stopped me, she is an intelligent woman and knows that's not right. But she has made it three weeks apart. But she is justified elsewhere due to the need to ‘protect’ her son. From his father who was trusted implicitly with the boy until I left, this makes her a ‘good mummy’. And this only gets worse if I answer back. Such as asking about the child's weight loss and illness learned through a third party, I demanded to be informed and included in his life. She responded by removing a contact. You don't get to go on the school trip if you're naughty.

I’m no saint and once considered keeping him back and exercising this ambiguous PR thing. I was informed the police can't do anything but the court will likely return him ASAP and it would "go against" me in court. That’s right, yes. Now drawing comparisons to the much more serious case aside. You are told you have the same legal rights and responsibilities as the mother (advice I paid for) but if I acted in the way she does and dictated her time without her agreement with our son I'd be punished. But for her it's seen as 'par for the course'.

This led to further legal advice that prompted a letter indicating that we need to co-parent. This was responded to with losing a contact I've never had back to this very day. Furthermore an application to the child maintenance services was made, accepted and I had to start 'paying' the mother. I protested, I had given money, nappies and food already. According to the CMS this did not matter. They rated this on the amount of time I see my son, yup, as dictated by the mother. I stated that I had a court application in place and again this did not matter.

I prompted an apology from my caseworker. I asked if my payments are to be matched by her. I.e. If I pay £300 is she to pay that totalling £600 a month. The answer was the income of mum bares no influence even in affluence. It's upon my income alone which begs further questions about why my child is so expensive and yours may only be worth £28 a month. Anyway the apology came when she said ‘well she’ll be paying for him daily’ and I added ‘as am I’ and then she added ‘well the calculation only goes off the absent parent’ and I saw red, luckily articulately. I am not an absent parent! I have never left my son and he can live with me tomorrow but this is not seen as viable with his young age so I’m “absent”, I corrected and said that I wasn’t the reason I didn’t see him enough to “reduce my liability”. Another business transaction regarding my son.

I believe the system is for the government purses not parents. Don't get me wrong I have a financial responsibility to my son (that isn't my debate) but that element of my responsibility is enforced very easily in comparison to others. I urge anyone to apply themselves. Despite the advice being to mediate, find family based arrangements this is not supportive of fathers. First and foremost, it's not legally binding and evidence of past/present payments and provisions ignored. Dictating can start up again at any time. Ask yourself if it's worth agreeing in such a system or having a legal agreement? You’ll have the CAFCASS parenting plan sent to you repeatedly, but if she won’t do, or does can still change her mind unless you have it made legally binding. You're forced to protect yourself.

That said court rarely exercise the concept of this joint responsibility and it most cases favour the mother, bias isn't given as a reason but practical ones such as;
• The child won't be attached to you. Doesn't know you.
Why's that? Isn't that why we're here?
• You work?
I'll stop and be a stay at home dad.
* Don't be stupid and besides your child's home depends on your payments to mum don't be so (guessed it?) “irresponsible”

This always opens further queries in my mind. How come, if I stayed with mother we can have another child and both work, utilising after school clubs, nurseries and what not to support our children yet when you separate; to suggest living with father who works is met with "that's not in the child's best interests", millions of terrible parents or a bias?

So, OK unlike some fathers I DO get to see my son (if I'm good). What's that like? Like any other parent I worry but unlike other parents it's not only that he's ok. But not like others do not in a 'normal' way, I'm left with a fear deep inside my core, wondering will I see him again.

What's mum going to say?.
Have I loved him enough?
Will he enjoy me, like I do him?
Will he ever look up to me if I’m not there?
Will she ever respect me as his daddy?
Am I being stupid and selfish not letting go?
Am I being less of a man wanting to nurture my son?
Am I supposed to just get on with paying for him and trusting that his mum will do a good job?

It's a feeling that I wouldn't wish on the enemy. When I return him I smile at him until the door shuts and I then I feel completely sad. He’s gone again. Some could be seen as normal fears I am sure, but it's hard to see how they aren't compounded by the fear of loss of your baby, it’s the sword of Damocles. Could you ever imagine that you wouldn't see your child again and that’s under the control of somebody else? Could you imagine being the scary person that takes them away to a strange house once a fortnight? All because you didn't want to be with your boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband anymore? Some people say this is about adults wanting what is best for them and not the child (despite the working example above) and usually such an opinion is formed where said person will never face the reality of being "absent" so it’s awfully one sided. A man that works in a chippy can tell you there more life than chips, stop thinking about chips all the time, you only want chips to suit you; his opinion will differ from that of a hungry homeless person.

I adore and dote upon my son and love taking him places,He is the best things Iv'e ever done. I love watching his increasingly sharp vision stare at trees and flowers and begin to wonder, well, about wonder. Yet in 2015 I’ve been met with several statements, first was asking me if I was babysitting, he’s my son! I found this emotionally distressing, but blokes cant have outburst or we become “aggressive”. Do mum’s babysit you [censored] numbskull? And “isn’t it nice seeing a chappie take care of the baby?” Like somehow this wasn’t my job (I think my job was just coming in his mum and earning money), like somehow I’m allowed not to? I’ve studied and I’ve wrote and I’ve done stuff in my life but nothing gives meaning to it like walking around a park with him. I see my career as something I ‘do’ now, it no longer interests me like it did, I’d give up work to be a stay at home in the blink of an eye.

So, how do I feel about all this?

Shameful, I feel ashamed, somehow society has me feeling guilty about loving my son, angry, let down, disappointed but mainly [censored] heartbroken. Distraught. I don't sleep properly, I worry constantly and I haven't [censored] right since all this started like Billy Bob Thornton’s been at me in a mall dressed as Santa. I have responsibilities the government will enforce from me with a fortnight? I'm told I have equal rights and responsibilities but they don't mean I have the right to know my child is ill or his current weight. That I have to pay the court hundreds of pounds to listen to my pleas and begs for a relationship with my son not dictated by his mother.
I have been forcefully removed from my son, someone I love implicitly and unconditionally and it hurts. As above in the Rebecca Minnock case people empathised instantly (without fact) and talk about how desperate she must have been and how horrible it must be to be separated from your child.

This is happening on your street right now, some fathers don’t care and I've worked in children's services long enough to know that neither do some mothers. Rebecca Minnock received 3 nights out of 7 nights per week as the bias went in favour of the father and she continued to fabricate stories. I could give you a list of 100 men who would tear both your arms off at the socket before you could say 'will you accept..." for 3 contacts a week let alone 3 nights a week and they haven't accused the mother of abuse. Women are said to be emotionally distressed by the thought of loss of a child, but this is also in the best interests of the child to not distress mother?

As men we are constantly berated for our lack of emotion and I genuinely fear I’m beginning to dissociate, as a defence mechanism, before everything implodes upon itself, it needs to end. Some men can feel, they have to find a way of managing this distress. Where is the responsibility toward me as a father? Im left confused about what is wanted from me?