[Solved] In it for the conflict

Hi Crocs,

As we've said this should be the best route and hopefully you will manage to reach an agreement. Worst case if he doesn't turn up or agree at least you can show you have tried.

GTTS

He didn't turn up to his appointment. He doesn't want to do it through mediation and incur costs, he wants to reach an agreement by meeting ALONE!

"The" email from his solicitor came today, he doesn't want the kids at weekend and he won't be attending court...... She apologised and said she was only following instructions from her client.

He's not normal is he? I think there's serious mental health issues going on here. He doesn't know what he's doing from one day to the next! I've told the kids he's swapped weekends, maybe next week he'll have changed his mind.

I've also asked his solicitor for a proposal from him, I'm just working on mine now and I'll send it across.

Hi,

There does seem to be something underlying here, as he changes from one thing to the next.

I think get your proposal in and get one from him see what he has to say.

GTTS

Hi Crocs,

I have to say, it does sound like something untoward is going on there.
At least you can say you've tried to do things amicably (many don't) and are truly looking at what is best for your children.

I don't know the guy obviously, but I have met some fathers who are like this and I have to say, they are the most selfish and ignorant "parents" a child is unfortunate enough to have...

I suspect alot of it is about how "he is hard done by" and how "you don't want him to have contact" rather than focusing on the kids in all of this, instead preferring to run the "big bad ex" story and going in for the self pity of it.

It annoys me that so many "dads" who can't really be arsed, play up to the "woe is me" attitude... and the ones who really are going through the mangle trying to get even supervised contact once a month get tarred with the same "deadbeat dad" brush.

Anyway, keep doing what you're doing - you're clearly a good parent focusing on her children and what is best for them!

Good Luck,

BD.

BadgerDom....

I'm afraid that I think you perhaps need to be a bit careful about making assumptions on whether this Dad's attitude is as you suppose.

I think that it is now unfortunately becoming standard accepted practice for separated dads to simply accept 'contact centre' appointments, and 1-2 nights per week as standard practice.

Couples separate for all sorts of reasons, and it is often too simplistic to say the dad should just brush everything that would have happened previous to the break up and then accept what is offered.

Until you hear from his perspective, you don't know what is driving him.
You don't know what sacrifices and effort he would have made to ensure that the family does not arrive at a situation where he is now forced to be the primary bread winner, but be the secondary decision maker in their children's lives.

Hi Jastix

I think I should just say that Crocs came up against some suspicion when she first joined and her motives were questioned...many would have high tailed it off the forum, but she stayed and she fought her corner and I think she gained a lot of respect for that.

She has tried hard and has had some difficult situations to deal with. Unfortunately we are not party to her ex's perspective but we take what she says at face value, as we do with all members.

I'm sure Crocs will be along at some point to respond....but from her previous posts I don't think she knows what drives him either!

I wish I did know what drove him, my life would be so much more simple.
I can see where you're coming from jaxstix but believe you me, that proposal is not one I've taken lightly or just thrown on the table.
You name it, I've offered it, sat-wed, wed-sat, every weekend, every Friday, every Saturday, Sunday-Thursday, I've offered EVERYTHING! My childrens relationship with their dad is the upmost importance to me.
Like my posts title states, he most definitely is in it for the conflict. He took me to court originally, I breathed a sigh of relief because finally he WANTED to see them, then he cancelled.
I'm on this forum because I get some brilliant advise from dads, dads who want to see their children, I'm here so I can sort of see things from his point, so I can see if I'm doing things wrong, I'm not though, I've done all I can, I've exhausted ALL avenues.
He previously suffered from psychosis and I now believe he does have underlying issues.
Most dads would for their right arm to spend just a single day with their kids, I've cut contact with him this week and because if that, he's not cancelled his weekend with his kids.
It's not his kids he's trying to get at, it's me and they get hurt in the process.

Hi Jastix,

I appreciate your view and it wasn't my intention to cause offense.

I am all too aware of how some fathers are treated, and what they have to go through to get to see their kids... I myself am at the latter end of a two year court case.

Having followed Crocs attempts to try to put together proposals for contact for her ex partner and the children, and reach some degree of amicable agreement, he has not attended meetings, cancelled contacts and raised issue over very minor things, in most cases for the sake of argument it would seem.
(all visible in previous threads)

Given all of the above, i think voicing a personal opinion that he may be more interested in how he is feeling about the situation, rather than focusing on what is best for the children (i.e. seeing their father regularly for their benefit) is perfectly justified.

Whilst you are indeed correct that some dads are expected to just "take it or leave it", that is something I do not condone, nor is it what Crocs is offering.
In fact, if i were in Crocs ex' partners situation, I'd snap her [censored] hand off for the level of contact she is offering!!

In any event, if I caused offense, I apologise - perhaps the way i worded my response was a little off.
My point was that, from all given evidence so far, he doesn't seem too interested in resolving the issues and seeing his children, with Crocs doing the majority of the leg work.

Regards,
BD.

Crocs, I'd hazard a guess that he's cut from the same cloth as a lot of the Mums out there that do this in reverse. I think you have done everything you can at this point & he's clearly chucked his toys out the pram because you have cut communication with him this week. I just can't understand why he would do this, other than if there's some mental health issues going on underneath it all.

My ex refuses contact from time to time and is now in the process of moving away from our children, for no other reason than his wife wants him to move to her hometown. He has refused his Xmas Day this year to spend it with his wife and her family & his contact is reducing from shared care to 1 night out of 2 weeks!! As I live with someone who has fought tooth and nail for 2 years to get time with his child, I find it appalling and very sad for my kids so sympathise with you and with all the Dads who would give their right arm for what you're offering......People are strange!

The proposals gone to his solicitor and I've asked for one from him, I dare say mine won't be good enough and he certainly won't come back with one.
I've resigned to the fact that the court will decide on this one.

GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Solicitor emailed, he's changed his mind and can I now drop them at his mothers tonight!
Words fail me.

Fair enough to ALL of the above.

Crocs... I shan't take up your thread with details of my own case history.

All the best Crocs. I hope your stressful situation is resolved sometime soon.