[Solved] Getting accustomed to 'contact' miles from home.

Hi brokendad,

Its 16 months since I was first given "contact" and it is still such a dirty word for me and Im fortunate enough to live close to the children and have what is considered reasonable "contact".

Some say what difference does it make as its only a word but it does make a difference as it discriminates against and psychologicaly affects the parent who has the "contact".

If only the law would see both parents as equals as the starting point and then take particulars into consideration.

Take comfort in the fact that you are close to a court decision although realise that these are the first steps in a long journey rather than an end result as you know life never stands still so the wants and needs of the children will change over time.

The best you can do is be strong and build a life where you can nurture and protect the children and yourself so that they grow up to be happy, healthy, well adjusted, well educated and ready to enter the adult world as best prepared as can be.

Regards,

Dave

Thanks Dave.

Got home last night, the usual scenario, utterly exhausted after the emotional impact of the day, particularly the leaving part which was horrendous as usual.

Well meaning friends, looking out for me I know, asking me to go for a drink when I got back last night, declined. Once, since this happened, one non 'contact' weekend, I had a few drinks. The anxiety of the situation even worse when I awoke the next morning. Ill not be drinking to any extent again until I'm beyond the grief stage.

Nights bring me a bit of comfort, I don't know why. Its like my worlds closing down and sleep if it comes brings an albeit temporary relief from the pain. Unfortunately, waking up to it in the morning is my worst part. Sometimes the sleep is punctuated by happy dreams from a now previous family life, the things we did together, the happy times relived sadly its exactly that, a distant dream.

Its up to me now to get to the acceptance stage, get my access sorted and make new memories. I hope I get to a point where I don't feel this pain anymore and can simply be a dad again and get to a stage that when my weekend comes to an end, I can say goodbye without crying. Who knows if that's even possible, I guess it must be at a point once the pain diminishes although the sadness of goodbyes im sure remain, maybe just a bit more controlled with the stability and reassurance of routine.

Plenty men before have been through this and plenty more to come I guess. Until I found this board I felt like the only one. Im fortunate I have great family and friends who have looked out for me. I pity anyone who has to do this journey solely on the their own, I admit I doubt Id have been strong enough to still be here if that were the case truth be told.

Good night....

I think the idea of blogging your feelings is an excellent idea, both for you and for others in the same situation.

One point I would consider for your own sanity, if it is going to be a regular event that you are staying in the unfamiliar town (and I assume it is), it might be worth considering a bed and breakfast rather than a hotel - it will be more personal and you'll get to know the owners enough that you will have someone to talk to when you're there - if you don't get on, find another B&B until you do. It might make the staying a lot more bearable and with them being local, they'll know of local activities etc.

good idea actd and certainly one ill take on board. i'm hoping that at my next court appearance, things should evolve a bit and possibly, just possibly residential contact might be negotiated or ordered. I'm 'fortunate' compared to some I think in that i'm Scottish and things seem to move much swifter court wise, well for me anyway than they seem to do for some men down south.

I don't have the level of personal conflict with my ex that others have, she just has a completely unrealistic view of how 'contact' (vomit) is going to evolve and it seems only the courts will persuade 'reason' which is a shame as it heightens the chance of ongoing volatility purely by its presence and could easily be avoided and we can concentrate on my childs welfare, the whole point.

Like any dad in this position though, there's plenty tears to come from me, i'm sure regardless of how it pans out...

Alas, my blog tonight is slightly more upbeat, no tears tonight, the situation having evolved to a visit this weekend to my house. The heartache of departure still lurks menacingly in the background, ready to plunge its cleaver of despair into my life when the dreaded time approaches.

However, for the 1st time since my nightmare began, I do hope that overnight contact is within reach soon. I've fought for my son, at considerable expense to my emotions and bank balance and ill do it forever so my child gets the relationship with dad he so deserves.

Thats great news that your son is going to your house this weekend....chin up BD.

I still have good days and bad days. When the girls leave I am down pretty much the whole day although its getting better for me.

I just need to walk past one of theyre bedroom doors and see a toy or theyre little night clothes folded on the bed and that can set me off sometimes.

Stay strong BD.

Regards,

Dave

this might give hope to others. my 1st post was utter despair. I am by no means fixed but in the short time since blogging I have made good progress. I am off to see my son again tomorrow, for the 1st time feeling strong enough to drive there and back in the same day. Thus far I have stayed overnight or got the train, mentally exhausted and mostly had to stay overnight so Im not mentally exhausted on the day of meeting.

A fortnight later, or 13 days sounds better! I have my 1st weekend overnight visit. I simply cannot wait. Two weeks tonight my beautiful boy will be asleep at mine. I think i'll just watch him sleep for a while with a tear in my eye, probably the 1st happy tear in many months.

Love you son, see you tomorrow, cant wait.

Daddy

x

Hey mate

You will love watching him sleep, that's exactly what I did and the feeling inside is amazing, I stayed awake most of the night making sure he was sleeping ok lol.

Enjoy every second as I know you will, you will be in the clouds mate

Luckily I took over night feeds and bedded down next to my Daughter for 4 weeks over last christmas before contact was stopped, I absolutely loved it, I loved feeding her changing her nappies getting her ready for bed then up every couple of hours to feed her, I actually looked forward to the morning when I got to dress her and give her breakfast it was without a doubt the best time of my life, like Lewy said you end up just watching then whilst they're asleep also you get paranoid as [censored] that they are ok ALL night lol.

I positioned my bed and her cot so I could see her as soon as I opened my eyes, looking back I did really build my bond with her then and luckily that bond is still there as that was apparent at the last contact session can't wait to see her again next weekend 🙂

Slim 🙂

Get plenty of sleep the night before, and pack stuff on the assumption that you will stop on the way back for a sleep in the car (blankets etc to keep you warm mainly, but water and something to eat). Used to do a 400 mile round trip to see my kids every second Sunday, and came away shattered, so a sleep on the way back was a life saver.

Actd mine used to be a 300 mile round trip and that was on at most 3 hrs sleep and that was broken sleep, I tried to explain to my ex that it wasn't safe but its what I had to do, I fell asleep a few times with my little boy in the car but when your ex is adamant you pick him up what choice do you have, forced into a corner without any understanding