[Solved] Fathers, you can't win.

Absolute utter utter rubbish

I can't help but agree! The situation I am in is driving me to despair and although there is plenty in a far worse, or similar predicament, you can't help but feel you're on your own!

I married my Ex last May after she fell pregnant during a very brief relationship. She lied about needing IVF and being on the pill but I stand by my convictions. As soon as that ring went on her finger she stepped the crazy up a gear and I was out of her flat before I'd even had chance to unpack my bags. Not that I had anywhere to unpack as I was only allowed a few drawers in her spare room, her clothes are far more important. The marriage (not that i count it as one) lasted 6weeks as her controlling, coercive behaviour and emotional abuse took it's toll on my sanity. This woman is nothing short of a bully.

I recently left the Army after 10 years service and am now a police officer so I have fairly thick skin but this woman took it to another level. Constantly putting me down, "you're a [censored] partner", "If your grandparents were alive they would be ashamed of you", "My family sent you to me as a cruel joke", "you'll be a sh*t father" etc. This woman had an acid tongue and diagnosed mental health issues, depression and borderline bi-polar. I endured months of abuse but to proud to say anything to anyone as that's what men do. We don't talk about stuff like that especially not being intimidated by your wife but looking back it was emotional abuse at it's finest and she knew what she was doing every step of the way.

At 8 months pregnant, Aug 2015, whilst trying to reconcile (Why, I hear you ask? The answer is I do not know. Fear? Intimidation? Wanting a quiet life?) she alleged the classic domestic violence. I was cautioned, interviewed and after a lengthy investigation the police saw it for what it was, no further action. My Ex even had the nerve to text a friend saying "it wasn't and assault" but still protests to this day it was. She loves the attention and drama.

My little girl is born in Nov 2015 and after weeks/months of trying to reason with stupid she agrees that i can come to the hospital after she is born and she's announced it on Facebook. The only person I was able to tell was my mum, all my other friends and family found out by social media. That's the first thing i missed out on, being able to announce that I'm a proud new dad.
My Ex then has me thrown out of the hospital after working herself up in to a state about my parents coming to see our daughter. That was a low point, being escorted from the baby unit and being made to feel like a piece of trash.

I found out at this time that the double barrel surname we had previously agreed on is not being used and she is only using her surname. Her reasons being it's important 'her' daughter has her identity. A crushing blow as you can imagine.

I then didn't see my daughter till February of this year. By this time I've started legal proceeding as the mother wants to claim our daughter as her own and is demonstrating some disturbing possessive behaviour. I had to meet my daughter in a shopping centre at the mothers insistence as she alleges I am a danger to my daughter and i was only allowed to have two hours with her. Who does this woman think she is? The mother followed my mum, my daughter and I around videoing our every move. When we sat down for a coffee she sat down next to us exhibiting some very strange behaviour. At this point my heart sank. To not sit at the same table as the mother and talk about our daughter over a cup of tea broke my heart. this poor baby is going to be in the middle of what evidently is to become a battle due to an obsessive, obstructing, controlling mother.

I saw my daughter for another two hour period in the same shopping centre but without the intimidation tactics the following week. The mother doesn't turn up to any further arranged meetings citing that she is ill, not our daughter but the mother.

All the time there are emails going back and forth between the mother and I where she is doing everything she can to stop me seeing our daughter. She's teething (at 2 months?), she's not going in a car with you you have points on your licence, i'm busy, she's not well, travelling with her for an hour in the baby seat isn't safe etc.

The FHDRA comes around and the courts agree for the mother to spend 3 weeks in Ireland with her family which is stipulated in the Order they set. I highlight my concern she will breach this order but it falls on deaf ears. The court also agrees that i am not a risk to my daughter and that contact can go ahead by mutual agreement. CAFCASS are to prepare a section 7 and submit by the next hearing.
The mother now point blank refuses to let me see our daughter unless it's in a contact centre which she knows won't happen for a long time as the cogs in the Family Courts turn very slowly.
She goes to Ireland, which incidentally by her own admission is 18hrs in a car door to door. Weird given that last month an hour in a car seat was too much. Needles to say she doesn't come back until she see fit, even missing another court hearing and breaching the Court Order. No one seems to care.

At this point I should add this woman has been convicted for common assault, battery and criminal damage. She has a temper like you have not seen before, she loses it and can't control herself. The iPhone shaped holes in the plasterboard around her flat are testament to this. Obviously I didn't know this at the beginning as that doesn't mix very well with my job.
I have a mountain of debt from the wedding all in credit cards under my name as her credit history is to poor, she can't even get a mobile contract. She's stolen nearly £1000 from me but i offset that against child costs to date. When asked about the financial situation she's left me in she ignores everything turning it in to an argument about how could i drag her through the courts and how this is all my fault. She can't have a conscience, no normal person would see this as being a good thing but she thrives on the drama. No normal person would think that depriving their daughter of a loving father from a stable background with a huge support network is a good move. This lady has no on here. She manages to alienate most of her friends because of her bullish ways and her family are spread across Ireland, Scotland and Holland. Presumably to get as far away from her as possible.

CAFCASS produced a section 7 which contained zero in the way of facts but plenty of hearsay from the mother. It was one of the most biased reports my solicitor has had the privilege of reading. It was as if i didn't have an interview with them at all and they've just scribed down the mothers drivel. Either way their recommendation was supervised contact for 1hr every two weeks rising to two hours after the first three sessions. what a joke, you can't form an adult friendship on such little time let alone with a 6 month old baby. I have to attend a behavioural program, a separated parents information program as well as the supervised contact and i've spent nearly £10k on legal bills.

I have done nothing wrong! I'm not the one with a history of suicide, or depression, or criminal proceedings against me. Just because she's mentioned DV i'm like the devil reincarnate and all these special measures are being put in place. If i was a risk to children surely i shouldn't be doing the job i do? The mother is loving the attention she gets and is gloating all over social media where her other family members openly threaten me.

Now the mother has put in a specific issues order to remove our daughter to Ireland permanently. Seriously, what the actual [censored] is going on here. how is this all in favour of the mother? In her reasons she states she is slipping back in to depression, has no support network in the UK and can get herself a free education in Ireland at the age of 37. She doesn't understand that if she stopped using our daughter as a pawn and stopped playing god things would be so much easier. I was born and raised around the South East so my family and support network that i can offer her is huge and above all she will have stability.

To top it off instead of being an adult and coming to me to talk finances she's gone straight to the CSA who want an astronomical figure from me meaning i won't be able to live in London anymore thus ending my career. It's a sad fact that if i'm unemployed i can't give our daughter anything. this has been pointed out to the mother but in her own words she don't care.

Essentially what this woman is doing is systematically destroying me emotionally and financially and no one seems to care or even want to listen to the truth. i am exasperated that she is allowed to get away with what she does and the courts don't care. They don't care that this woman has a history of violence, mental health issues or that she has no regard for the law or Court Orders.

I filed for divorce citing unreasonable behaviour, making false allegations, continued obstructiveness from bonding with our daughter amongst other things. Last week she stated in court she will contest the divorce as it was't a false allegation. Seriously, just sign the papers and disconnect from me! I have an army pension, a flat and moderate savings which we now believe she's is going to make a play for. We've never shared anything in the short time we were together and i'm hoping a judge can see sense and not award her any finances.

The above account is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this woman behaviour. All i want is a peaceful relationship with my daughter and to be able to bond as any new dad would. My life is now consumed with worry and intimidation that everything i've worked hard for is going to be taken away from me because of one greedy woman who just wanted a child.

I appreciate this may have been a boring and pointless read for some of you but if one person can read this and realise that, although the feeling of loneliness probably consumes your mind on a daily if not hourly basis, you're not alone and yes we are all screwed by the antiquated system the social sector has implemented.
We will no doubt lose everything, including our minds, just to have that hug with our child which we are denied due to unnecessary obstruction. I would love nothing more than to spend time with my own daughter and her paternal family but this seems like it may never happen if the court agree to the mother moving back to Ireland.

My case was very similar to yours apart from her threatening to move away my ex was the most vile human being for 2 years solid and 99% of the dads on here have experienced exactly the same from%their ex's.

I'd say 80% of dads on here do get to be part of their childs life after they've been through court it really is how you play the game you have to be smart and play it by the book, Most sections 7's are dire for the dad mine included I was painted out to be a crazed, drug taking mad mad who was violent and controlling apparently this was based on my body language and because I raised my voice in the interview.

They then recommended exactly the same contact as you and you will be wise to take it you have a very young baby there and ofcourse the contact is going to start off short and sweet but it will progress to full contact they are just been careful as they don't know you from adam I never seen my new born baby for 10 long months then it was 1 hour every 2 weeks in a stinking contact centre for 8 weeks then 2 hours every 2 weeks for another 8 weeks then it progressed to 4 hours every week at her sisters with her supervising to 1 day every sat with her on my own. That then progressed to over nights and I've ended up with fri-mon morning every week tea on a wednesday and in reality I couldnt have her anymore than I do.

You seem to be looking into the future and guessing what the outcome will be when there's no clue what the judge will order, at the end of the day it's the law that every child has the right to both parents in their lives and the judges and cafcass do stick to that like glue, you're in a great position as cafcass have recommended contact I would accept that with open arms there's absolutely no need for a solicitor either so bin them off and self represent.

It really does seem like everything is in the favour of the mother but you will see the tables start turning once you start seeing your child in a CC just make sure it goes well and you don't put a foot wrong trust me her lies will be found out.

This site needs a success story section as like I said most dads get what their child deserves theres 2 gents who have had the same [censored] got cracking results and they have posted here today it really isn't all doom and gloom you got to carry on fighting forget what the mothers like and concentrate on your child,

All the best

Slim 🙂

Exactly which bit is utter utter rubbish slim? The 92% figure, that solicitors will charm you out of your money and fail to win anything, that the Family Court system operates a "disgusting" gender bias? Perhaps you should think before you speak, otherwise your comments will sound like you are either not going through what every other dad is, or that you are in fact not a dad. The fact that all the replies are agreeing with me shows I am right.

Paulus & NJ123 I feel for you both that your experiences have been to this effect but this is categorically not the case in most situations. I work supporting parents going the court process on a full time basis both in a voluntary and professional capacity. In over 90-95% cases that I have knowledge of, both at work and here on the forum, the father achieves a good outcome, unfortunately there are some useless judges, CAFCASS officers and solicitors but they really are the minority.

There are very difficult mothers out there who throw around false allegations and block contact but there are also genuine victims of abuse, and therefore the court has a duty to investigate such claims. Whilst that is horrific for the parent being falsely accused, in most cases the truth outs and contact or shared residence are established. Many of our members such as Slim, have been through this, yet their outcomes are a success for their children.

As moderators and members, we all work very hard to support each other on this forum, if you have a specific question or topic to discuss then please post about it and we will do all we can to help and advise. Please do refrain from posting replies to other members that are of a personal nature. Thanks.

Mr slim is right about 80% of the dads do get access and you do need to play the game, as much as it hurts like [censored] you need to act like a puppy and do what your told, i didnt and now im paying for that... 🙁

Good luck dude,

Thanks for the response slim, it's good to know that the situation i'm in now has the possibility of turning around.

I've had all sorts of allegations thrown at me in her statements. I'm a drug addict, I've caused criminal damage to her rented property, i'm a [censored] monster, i have erectile dysfunction (go figure that one out, a [censored] monster that can't get it up), i'm willing to kill based on the rationale that i've seen active service, then theres all the PTSD claims. It never ends As soon as one allegation gets changed and proved rubbish she makes up another.

I do understand that i need to play the game. I'm just so frustrated that it's at such a cost financially and emotionally. There's no need for any of this but as i've mentioned, you can't reason with stupid! The mother simply doesn't want me to be part of our daughters life, she's even sent me texts to say as much. She'll regret that at the final hearing i would imagine.

I've just had confirmation that i'm booked on to an SPIP programme next week so that's one tick out the way. Still waiting on the referral from CAFCASS so I can get contact up and running.

Given the job I do, i can effectively put a child in to care, section them or remove them from the family home to a place of safety yet i can only see my own daughter for 1hr every two weeks. I guess the fact they they've stipulated a time increase on the fourth visit is a good thing. Again it's me having to jump through all there hoops with a smile on my face and biting my tongue.

I'm sure the system does work for some people and keeps them protected but, for me right here right now it's disappointing. It's been proven I have done nothing wrong yet i still have to go through all this heartache knowing that this woman is never going to change and she'll make my life [censored] for the next 18+ years. Part of me can't help but think i let her leave the country and i rebuild my life which she is systematically destroying. I know this is looking to the future as you've rightly pointed out slim but i am nearly a broken man.

Do I go through all this, become attached to my daughter only for her to be poisoned against me, which she will as it's already started on social media, or do i cut my losses and run.

She's openly admitted in her statement that she has no support network in the UK, she has a penal notice saying she can't leave her area, she admits slipping back in to depression and being in financial ruin. If the courts fall for her dramatics on the day when she starts shaking and crying i can't help but think they'll take pity on her and let her remove my daughter full time.

I know this is whiney but right now that's how it is. I have done nothing wrong and it has been proved, yet i am still the one not seeing my daughter.

Wise words there from Tiesto nice one mate 🙂

NJ - I feel for you I really do I've been there my ex is/was an alcoholic who attended AA all she had to do was fill out a series of questions and that proved to the court she didn't drink to excess apparently absolute joke she used to beat her other daughter, lived in a [censored] hole barred me from the scans, birth when I went to see my daughter after finding out she had given birth over facebook she called the police who were actually really sound they just gave me a friendly warning. she then stopped contact for 10 months whilst we went through court. I had every accusation thrown at me said that I raped her, abused her other daughter, said I was a drug addict (I gave up a 20 year weed habit) as I knew she'd bring it up she said I had no clue how to look after a child.

With the advice of everyone on here I self represented and I'm so pleased I did you'll get the same conclusion if your represented or not solicitors know for a fact you will get contact with your child they just drag it out to line their own pockets which 4 separate solicitors have told me thats the case who are my old school friends so they actively encourage the mother to make up allegations to drag it out for longer.

One it got to court I had to to the spips court and 4 drugtests every 3 months that all came back negative I even had to do a 3 month parenting course every wednesday honestly my boss nearly had a heart attack lol

In reality the judges couldnt care less about you or the mother or what happens between the both of you it really is solely about the child, they have heard all the false allegations a million times over but they are very wary because of cases like baby p ect try not to get hung up on what a cow bag the ex has/is being It may seem that they believe everything that comes out of her mouth but as the case goes on and especially after the section 7 has been done the tables start to turn in your favour.

If you go through my older posts on here you will see what a total tw*t my ex was you will see I thought she would never change It took her 2 years but she did we are back to being friends again now and we have a brilliant coparenting relationship we've just come back from our 3rd family music festival where we camped over. she was adamant I was only allowed contact in a CC right up until the final hearing she looked such a [censored] in court still harping on Iand I was shocked how well the judges talked her around it was amazing. Absolutely every so called proffesional were against me cafcass, social services, the health visitor, contact centre manager and all the mediation F****rs. The only people who were sound throughout were the judges which I think was because I respected them approached my case professionally throughout and didn't kick off.

Even though my ex was a complete cowbag I still ignored her and tried to reason with her I realised that I simply had to work with her sooner of later for the sake of our child so I know it might sound mad but try and start to build bridges at every opportunity the courts will want to see this as that's all they want you to do is get on for the sake of little one they sort of made us both feel ashamed that we could agree to parent our child in the final hearing even though it was her who stopped contact, always try and be the bigger person don't react to her and always thing of little one they need BOTH their parents at the end of the day.

Honestly man you've got to stop being so negative it will get better and I will tell you I told you so when you get it all sorted haha 🙂

In the meantime try and not let it take over your life, socialise, lean on friends and family if you have any hobbies ect crack on with them exercise eat well try and sleep well I found buggering off to Ibiza to dj done me the world of good haha.

Keep your chin up man and try not to look too far into the future take everything one step at a time and feel free to PM me if you need anymore advice I am an amazing dad to my girl and I have been through it I was on the verge of suicide before finding this group the judges actually praised my attitude throught my case and said they had never seen anything like it even from poor peeps who have been represented I honestly know my s*it unlike what a certain someone has suggested earlier in this post you'd be wise to listen to all the mods on here I couldn't of got such a good result if I hadn't followed their advice to a T I owe them so much thats why I like helping dads out on here like I do.

Take it easy man

Slim 🙂

Well, Paulus is mostly right, so by inference Mr Slim is mostly wrong. The OP's point was that it is a very uneven playing field. If a father has quite a lot of money, favourable circumstances, lots of time and huge emotional reserves he may end up with something like a 50:50 share of his child's/children's time (and even then will probably end up paying some CM for the privilege). All mother has to do to counter this is be female and not be a drug dealer or a prostitute (well, maybe not even those things may matter).

I'm sorry but Paulus is wrong! He is a bitter man that has come here with an agenda that is negative and only serves to upset and disturb members that need support and encouragement, not to be told to give up before they've started.

After all Othen you came here and were given encouragement and support and you now have a 50/50 share of your sons life. No one is saying it's perfect, no one denies that there are still problems and there can be gender bias in the court, but it seems to me this situation is improving, as more and more we can testify to regular successes.... We've had two transferral of residence successes this week alone!

Paulus is throwing statistics around that cannot be verified and which we know are seriously off kilter. If you take into account the vast majority of separations that run smoothly, with both parents agreeing a way forward that is best for all of them, the number of litigious cases is very small indeed. The same with the CMS, not all separated parents rush to use this service either, the majority preferring to settle it between themselves.

To tar all solicitors with the same brush is also a gross misrepresentation and I would have thought an educated man such as yourself would realise that Othen. There are bad apples in every basket and for those, who for whatever reason, don't wish to have legal representation, there are MFs, there is support and advice for LIPs from the CAB, the Pro Bono Unit and from Law students that work for free. PSUs are available in the courts regionally, there are groups such as FNF that run local meetings and last but not least forums such as ours.

Our forum stands out from the rest simply because we keep it friendly and positive, we offer help, support and encouragement to members that come here at a low ebb...we don't make promises we can't keep and we don't tell them that they are doomed to fail. What we do and do well is to show them that with the right attitude, progress can be made and success is possible. I think our record speaks for itself.

Bitterness is very disabling and can wreck havoc, far better to be the better person, accept that life isn't fair sometimes and move on from it. Bitterness and anger are the two biggest obstacles to successful litigation ....fact!

I'll consider myself told off!
🙂