[Solved] Bittersweet ness.

...whist your family can have an opinion about what you should do, I think this has to be a decision for you and your fiancée. You quite rightly point out that what you are about to do will have an impact on all of you. The financial burden, but more importantly the emotional one will at time weigh heavily.

Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster.....you will need to be focused. It might be better to get the wedding and the business up and running before you embark on this journey, unless of course you can't wait...it's a matter of being as strong as you can going forward with as few distractions as possible.

Whatever you decide you will find plenty of support and advice here.

You might like to consider attending a Families Need Fathers meeting in your area. You will find others in similar situations that you can relate to, and you can get legal advice and moral support. Here is a link to their webpage where you will find details of meetings in your area.

www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support/local-branch-meetings

There are many here that have chosen to self represent. Solicitors fees can easily reach into the thousands!

You seem to be something of a superstar around here! 🙂

:} ...that's very kind of you to say, however there are a number of superstars here and I'm sure you will get to meet them soon! 🙂

Wayne,

Am I reading this right, you have two kids with your fiancee and you are planning to get access/residency of your other two kids?

Pete

No no, I have a stepson and a son with my fiancée and 2 with the ex.

I just want access, supervised for the kids benefit for the time being. The two have to stay separate until I'm satisfied the time is right to introduce them.

Am I going about this in the wrong way?

I've just sent a request to mediation to contact me to discuss this and I've also sought out the local fnf group and will be attending next week.

I'm hoping I'm making the right steps and that my having another family won't go against me.

Hi there,

I think you are taking the right steps... Supervised access initially, that's having realistic expectations and putting the older two children's needs first. Measured steps, keeping all four children at the centre of all decisions. Mediation to be tried first and meeting up with others in the same kind of boat to learn more about the process in a friendly and informative environment...and not to mention coming here to get the ball rolling and getting the support you need! Sounds just right to me!

Best of luck

...I meant to say that there's no reason why having other children will go against you...in fact I think that they are half siblings and have an absolute right to get to know each other....courts don't differentiate between full and half siblings.

Right way or wrong way, thats a tough one as no two situations are the same.

There is a rule of thumb that the courts prefer which is try mediation with the ex first, and then if that doesnt work or in my case my ex refused point blank any mediation, then we had to go thro the courts to get a contact order.

Thats the general jist of things, as you can see from my blog, the contact order can be turned on its head if need be, we were supposed to be bringing contact with myself and my parents slowly steadily with a time table of looking at April/May for first sleep over, and just one night, yet got a call from ex, and we just had her for two nights.

So Wayne go for a mediation first and then if that fails then take it to the courts if you can not agree via solicitors about contact.

Pete

Hi Wayne

Before I go into great detail here I will make it clear that I am not a solicitor or legally trained regarding civil law. Any information or advice I give is purely from my own experiences

I think you should take a great deal of encouragement from the fact that you appear to be doing and taking all the correct steps so far.

It is great to hear that you have looked into mediation and with any luck you and your ex will be able to use this service to reach suitable agreements regarding your children.

The courts like to see seperated parants try and work things out between themselves outside of the courts and mediation is a great facilitator of this.

Mediation is also a far more cost effective way of reaching an agreement.

I fully agree with Nannyjane, it is very important that the decisions and actions you take should be with all the children's best interests at heart.

Regarding the fact that you have another family I would suggest that you not only take encouragement and comfort from this fact but also use this as a position of strength. By this I mean that you will be able to evidence to mediators and the courts that you are in a position to offer your children stability in a safe and welcoming environment.

You mentioned that you don't talk about your children because it hurts too much... I am sure that many of us can relate to these feelings but if I may I would like to offer you some advice.

Communication is the key... Don't bottle up how you feel... let it out... It may not be to your family, it may be that you find it easier to talk to your fiance... or a good friend... or to other dad's at youir local FNF... and of course we are all here for you to talk things through and help out where we can.

It sounds like you have a very fully on life at the moment re the wedding, setting up your business and now embarking on this journey to gain access to your children and as Mojo said be prepared for an emotionally rollercoaster.

With this in mind it is absolutely vital that you talk about how you are feeling. Its okay to feel hurt, its okay to cry, its okay to feel frustrated , angry, upset, tired. Its also okay to enjoy the new chapters of your life, your wedding for instance.

Yes you are a father to your children, yes you are a commited partner to your fiance, yes you are a bnusiness trying to get his business started.... But don't forget you are also you... remember to take some time for you in whatever form that takes with a hobby, sport, reading a book, listening to music whatever it is just nmake sure you do it.

As oldbutnewdad has said no two situations are the same.

You are doing the right things... have faith

Good luck

Graham

Thank you everyone, your input and advice is very much appreciated.

I have taken further steps with the mediation and have made a self referral so I will have to wait and see how that goes.

I'm pretty sure my ex won't turn up or be interested, I almost hope she doesn't!

I've threatened legal action to her several times and this time I'm serious, she isn't expecting that so the fact that I have made steps will hopefully put a bullet in her back side and she will realise that she has run out of lifelines.

Other than the mediation and attending the fnf meeting next week, I don't think there is much more I can do.

Regarding the reply from Graham, I will try, no doubt there will be highs and lows but I think I have found the right place to be to get the support in dealing with those. The biggest killer is that I won't have all of my children at my wedding, that's a bit of a stinger, however, this time next year, who knows what the situation will be.

Thanks again

Wayne