[Solved] Are there others like me?

Hi friends

Is anyone able to give some advice on the following?

Having left the marital home in September due to separating, my wife and daughter stayed in the house.

I am renting a house in January so I won't be paying towards the mortgage in order to afford the rent and maintenance; my "wife" will take on the mortgage and informed me that when I advise her to sell it, she would.
Today, she stated that she wants to take on the mortgage and remove my name from the mortgage but I will stay on the title deeds.
She said she wants to protect me in case of any arrears in the future!?!
Also, in order for me to have my share of the equity, which is a lot, she is going to get her sister to put her name on the mortgage, so that my wife can then borrow more to pay me my share as she cannot do this as a sole person on the mortgage.
But, her sister cannot go on the mortgage until 2 years time when her loan is paid off.

My wife is a very clever woman and she had handled all the mortgage, re-mortgaging etc. in the past as I just don't understand it all, so she is well versed in this.
I handled all the bills and getting the deals every year to keep costs down.

What makes me suspicious is that she was all lovely and nice until I asked a few concerning questions and she became nasty and told me to get a solicitor.
Unfortunately, this is what she is like. She's a controlling person and I basically lost all my self-esteem and confidence during our marriage. She hates to be questioned and she's never wrong.
Don't get me wrong, she is a caring person and will do anything for everyone, but I felt that when it came to me, I felt inferior to her.

I want the house sold, so that she can start afresh in her own place with our daughter.
I really don't want to line the pockets of greedy solicitors, but I may have to go down that road which will mean that are amicable relationship will probably suffer.

Help!

Having left the marital home in September due to separating, my wife and daughter stayed in the house.

I am renting a house in January so I won't be paying towards the mortgage in order to afford the rent and maintenance; my "wife" will take on the mortgage and informed me that when I advise her to sell it, she would.

Ok, this needs unpacking a bit. As you currently have a joint mortgage, you are *still* liable from the bank's perspective. So you are relying on your ex not "messing up" in terms of repayments (or otherwise). Also, you are assuming that the property will be sold "when you advise her". This is another possible point of contention.

Today, she stated that she wants to take on the mortgage and remove my name from the mortgage but I will stay on the title deeds.
She said she wants to protect me in case of any arrears in the future!?!
Also, in order for me to have my share of the equity, which is a lot, she is going to get her sister to put her name on the mortgage, so that my wife can then borrow more to pay me my share as she cannot do this as a sole person on the mortgage.
But, her sister cannot go on the mortgage until 2 years time when her loan is paid off.

It is possible to add/remove people from mortgage and property deeds. For changes to mortgages, the process varies between lenders, and could cost anywhere from £0 to £X000, or the lender may flat out refuse - or allow the changes - but only if the current mortgage is redeemed and a new one taken out (together with any early repayment penalties, if they apply, and new valuation and product fees). Most lenders state their conditions / costs for a transfer of equity on their website. This would be the place to start looking to see what your lenders rules are.

As a general rule - most lenders would prefer the simple case of people on the property deeds are those on the mortgage (the borrowers). With regards to your ex adding her sister (to the mortgage), it is even more likely the mortgage provider would insist on the sister being on the property deeds. So *if* the lender agrees only with sister on the deeds, you would be faced with a transfer of equity situation - which you undoubtedly would want to use a legal professional for. So you need to decide who will pay these fees and how they will be split.

Assuming the sister needs to go on the property deeds - how does this affect you? I assume you and ex are currently "joint tenants" which gives equal rights and "interest" to each of you. Do you really want your ex's sister to be a JT given the situation? To me, this is a very large "chunk of trust" you are placing in this third person, as a JT is legally entitled to an equal share of any proceeds of sale (as well as an equal share of the liability). So the appropriate thing to do here would be to change how the property is held to "tenants in common" which makes the legalities surrounding proceeds from sale, and actually selling the property, much more fair (to you). With TiC each person usually has a legal right to a defined percentage of any sale proceeds - so again, this is another thing to sort out and more £££ for the use of a solicitor and sorting who foots the bill.

Lastly, what does the sister gain by putting her name down to be liable for a mortgage? Does she have a property, is it mortgage free? Is it co-owned? I ask this because these questions are what your lender would ask of her. Is she prepared to put whatever home/assets she has down as collateral?

My wife is a very clever woman and she had handled all the mortgage, re-mortgaging etc. in the past as I just don't understand it all, so she is well versed in this.
I handled all the bills and getting the deals every year to keep costs down.

Your wife may well be clever - but its never too late to learn how these things work for yourself! Afterall, it is your asset that is at stake. Your wife being "clever" would actually make me more nervous of this situation (if you cannot already tell, I would be nervous about this from the start).

What makes me suspicious is that she was all lovely and nice until I asked a few concerning questions and she became nasty and told me to get a solicitor.

Hmmm. If it were me, I would (by now) smell a "land grab" - but I'm cynical.

Unfortunately, this is what she is like. She's a controlling person and I basically lost all my self-esteem and confidence during our marriage. She hates to be questioned and she's never wrong.

By this point, (if it were me) I would have moved back into the house and begun to decorate the hall for when the house it put on the market....No, seriously, the avenue your ex is suggesting *could* involve a lengthy process with multiple points at which she could "do you over". I would not want to beholden to a person described as above if I did not have to.

Don't get me wrong, she is a caring person and will do anything for everyone, but I felt that when it came to me, I felt inferior to her.

I have not had a chance to read the other 8 pages of your thread - but I think you have hit the nail on the head. I get the impression you are perhaps too caring and too quick to make excuses for her "negative traits". If you suspect the situation smells (and I think you do, otherwise you would not have posted) trust your instincts, get some professional legal advice (always advisable for matters involving substantial finances) and try to feel confident in your abilities and judgement. If money is an issue, try CAB they are usually quite excellent.

I want the house sold, so that she can start afresh in her own place with our daughter.

I would agree. It sounds like there are too many factors stacked against you which could leave you exposed and out of pocket. While the whole process could be easy and cost nothing - as mortgage laws and guidelines become ever more stringent, it is more likely you will need to mess around with a transfer of equity, solicitors and mortgage fees. That is assuming your "wife's" stance does not change mid-flow...i.e. who is to say your wife will not "turn on you" mid way through the process when negotiating the sticking points? It sounds like (from what you say above) this is a likely response from her.

I really don't want to line the pockets of greedy solicitors, but I may have to go down that road which will mean that are amicable relationship will probably suffer.

Not all solicitors are greedy. But when it comes to finances - it is important to look at the issues in terms of cold, hard numbers. Using a solicitor and paying £1,000 to know your £XX,000 in sales proceeds is "safe" I dont think is a bad move.

If you do go ahead with your wife's suggestion - I would certainly advocate getting involved with the discussions with the mortgage provider and getting "your" solicitor to look over any changes to deeds, etc.

Hope helps

Morning friends

Four more days and Christmas Day will be here; for twelve years my soon to be ex wife and I would get so excited about Christmas, that it would usually start in early November. Then when our daughter came along, it really added to the excitement.
Although I am not feeling particularly down because of all the festivities going on and all the other things like the Christmas songs, decorations and Christmas TV, I have planned to spend the day on my own after I have visited my daughter on Christmas Day morning.
My family will be having dinner at my sisters house where I am currently residing until January, but I really do want to spend the day on my own and act as if it's a normal day.
To save any worry, I've told my family that I am working, which I don't think they believe me, but being in the emrgency services they do accept that you may have to work.
My plan is once I have seen my daughter for a few hours, I will then park my car up near a park so I can go for a walk and sit on a bench, read a novel and eat some food. I may also go to the local Samaritans branch for a cup of tea and a chat.
This doesn't make me feel sad; it's what I want to do and I am comfortable with it.
I did toy with the idea that I should come clean and tell my sister I lied about work and I will enjoy Christmas dinner with my family, but I don't feel festive this year.
I am well aware this may sound selfish and other Dads will not have the luxury of seeing heir kids or having family to go to and I feel those guys, I truly do, but this is my way of coping and getting through the festive season.

Thoughts guys, how will your Christmas be this year?

Headspace

Sounds perfectly reasonable - being "forced" to be cheerful can be the worst thing. My father's birthday is on 23rd December, and my parents anniversary is on 21st, so after he died, my sister and I always tried to make sure that we were with her for Christmas until she finally told us that she'd actually rather be on her own, and es it was miserable, but it was better than forced cheer, so we accepted that and it seems much better for her to spend those few days on her own (knowing we are only a phone call away).

This time last year, I went through Christmas with the thought that my marriage was probably over (not my choice) until my (now) ex confirmed it on new years eve - a year later, my life is vastly improved and I will enjoy Christmas with my adult children, so a lot can change in the space of a year. I would say that you should do what feels right for you this year - there's nothing to stop you popping back to see your sister early if and when you are ready, and I'm sure she'll understand then if you tell her that you really just wanted time on your own.

Hope your Christmas gives to the time to reflect on how far you've come in a short space of time - I am sure that 2017 is going to see you moving on well with your life 🙂

Hi actd

Many thanks for your reply.

Christmas must have been hard for you last year, but it's good that you are in a better place a year later.
I guess it takes time and as your children are older, maybe that helped?
My daughter is 5 years old and whilst I see her regularly and I'll see her Christmas morning, it's not the same.
That is why I have chosen to be by myself and slowly plod along on Christmas Day.

It doesn't feel like it, but I have slowly moved forward; I am constantly sad and empty and the only time I feel OK is when I am in my sisters spare room with the lamp on and reading a novel. It's like my sanctuary and I feel safe.
Yes, I am moving into a 2 bed house in January and whilst my own space would be good, I am feeling a little apprehensive due to not being on my own for a long time, despite liking my own company.

Headspace

Headspace,

To add another response to your original question, the answer is yes.

A couple of days after Xmas this year my wife of 11 years (who I have been with for 18 years and was my only real relationship) told me the marriage was over. With 3 kids and heart still 100% in the relationship I am in shock but as you will have found this forum is a great help.

Looking at your earlier posts I can see you seem quite like me. Like you, I would say I have a small circle of friends and happy to speak to people (I have to a lot with work) but I am quite content with solo pursuits like reading, watching tv, a bit of time on the xbox etc.. The future and being alone is very scary and you should not feel bad about yourself for expressing what I think are perfectly natural emotions and reactions to a very challenging situation.

You mention you like road cycling. My advice (limited though it may be) is that outdoor pursuits like that help you process things and give your mind time to switch off. Luckily I was training for a running event and despite the issue I am still doing that with a renewed focus. Have you looked into local cycling clubs for a bit of company or the cycling scene to see about group events? I know from my experience cyclists tend to be a friendly bunch and you can usually find something to work with your other commitments. I am certainly going to look at cycling clubs once I know where I am going to live.

As far as the financial stuff in some of your later posts this looks quite involved and important. While this forum will be a good place to get ideas and opinions I think it is clear in all the disclaimers that you should not rely on the advice given (which will include mine!). Some advice, not matter how well meaning, may be based on other people's experience and could be quite subjective. The only thing I feel comfortable saying is that there is a lot of useful information on good impartial and recognised websites that can be very helpful. I found the stuff on the Citizens Advice Bureau website very useful, especially some of the stuff about the different ways people can separate and things like finances and what happens to houses which may be helpful. Give me a shout if you want any helps with links to the stuff I have found helpful.

I am still finding my way through this whole minefield and I know I am going to have plenty more dark days, but I have found talking to people I know has helped. If you have the right friends they will let you pour your heart out and they won't judge. I cannot remember the last time I cried, and I have never cried in front of an adult friend before now. But you know what, the fact they saw me at my most vulnerable/ashamed/depressed and still wanted to support me helped. People will surprise you, even if it is only 1 or 2 people you can speak to.

And feel free to add me to that list if you want to message me.

Hope things are going as well as they can be fore you right now.

Hi Duckseason8192

Many thanks for you message and advice.

I am so sorry for your situation, you must feel quite numb as i did; men do suffer when a relationship breaks down because although it may not be working and we are probably unhappy too, we still want to remain in the marriage/relationship and try to make it work.
I think the biggest issue for me was not seeing my daughter every day and the uncertainty of the future and where it will take me.
You experience all sorts of emotions and anxieties which can be quite scary, but I have done all the right things and taken care of myself as if I was unwell. I have had great support from my sister and family even though I am quite introverted and never really bothered with them.

Now, four months down the line, I am back at work, moving into a bungalow today and i am now dealing with the dreaded issue of my wife in a new relationship. Those were the three hurdles I needed to cross before I felt like moving forward and now I've crossed them, things feel a little easier.
I am still sad and empty every day, but I am in a slightly better place than I was four months ago, when I could not leave the bed as it was the only place I felt that I couldn't get hurt.
It's a long long road to recovery and it will leave scars, especially the length of time that we have spent with our wives. Everyone has said that you will get over it, which is comforting to hear, but I really don't know that I will. I think that I will carry on with my life as normal, but it will be tinged with constant sadness.

Keep in touch as these can be very emotional times and I have found this forum a godsend and I still need it.

Headspace

Hi headspace

Glad you are feeling at least a little more positive, and the fact that you are doing so 4 months on, from when you were at a real low point is helpful to people in duckseason's position as it will always help to know that someone else really does know how it feels. You are more than welcome to keep coming here for help and sometimes simply to let off steam if you want.

Hi

It's been nearly nine months since my last post and I feel the need to come back to the forum as I found it both comforting and kind when I first came on to post about my marriage breakdown.

Ironically, this latest post is not about my failed marriage. In fact, although I still have feelings for my ex and I care for her, she's moved on in a new relationship (I've met him a couple of times and he seems decent). She's moving in to a new house with a mortgage with him and my daughter an extra 15 miles away, which is not a real problem for me. My divorce will come through in December, so whilst all these things are sad, my ex and I are really good friends now, and I am happy with that.

My reason for being in here for some advice is, I have been in a relationship with a girl from work 20 years younger than me (I'm 45) and after only 6 months we've broken up. We both fell for one another really quickly and maybe because of the age gap, I developed worse relationship insecurities than I had before (one of the reasons my marriage failed). She likes to go away with the girls and go out, where I've done all that and just want someone who enjoys simple pleasures.
My girlfriend was also a very jealous person and could not cope with me working with females at our station. She has a very vindictive side I'm seeing and she now wants to date again and start afresh but not be boyfriend and girlfriend until our heads are sorted out.
Yesterday she came to see me and used sexual intimacy as an emotional tool, which was enjoyable but today I am angry about.
I know there is no future thereand whilst she's thoughtful and mature in some areas, she's very childish and immature in others. I just can't seem to let her go and it's really causing me anxiety but I know once I've done it I'll be fine!!
Surely if I am getting over my 12 year relationship with my wife, then this should be easy.

Advice please guys
Headspace

Hi again. I'm still here too.

I know what you went through and how this has affected you. It's a common thing to seek reassurance when you're feeling vulnerable and want to feel special and loved. But the rose-tinted specs are wearing off a little and I think you've found someone not quite what you wanted. But that's ok, it's a learning experience and maybe you'll move on again and find someone more suitable. It will come in time, or maybe you'll learn to accept your differences.

Perhaps you're hanging on because the thought of being on your own after two breakups is making you anxious. You'll cope, whatever you decide. If you move on, it will give you a chance to rebuild yourself and become a better person. Maybe your ex has seen you with a younger model and will decide you're too good to let go 🙂

Either way, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you're picking up the pieces.

Hi Paul

Thanks for your reply and it's also good to hear from you.

I agree with all you say, except the ex seeing me with a younger model has not made her want me back; she's happy with her new chap and in fact,move been turning to my ex for advice as she knows me better than anyone. Her advice has been invaluable and she knows that she can be blunt with me. Her advice is to walk away!!

I have spent all day today coming to terms with my split up and I've not heard from my current ex girlfriend all day as she normally messages, but she rang me tonight. She sounds her usual miserable self but said that she wants a dominos pizza night tomorrow because she would like to see me for a date!

I'll post how it went because there is a good chance I'll tell her that we have to walk away and just stay friends

Hello Headspace,

I've sent you a p.m.