[Solved] Are there others like me?

Hello Headspace,

Your wife quote, "I wouldn't get upset if you started seeing someone." Could this be said because she feels guilty in asking you to give her time?
As I said previously I think she is in a confused state for whatever reason and possibly with having the medical condition she has. I personally don't think that if you was seeing someone she would be as accepting of it as she states.

Quote, "a weight has been lifted now we are not together." This indicates she sees a problem in her relationship with you, it may be real or imaginary. Obviously you don't know what it is otherwise you could do something about it. At an appropriate time I think you should ask her what she was meaning in stating that.
Due to the fact she is so welcoming, treats you like her best friend and puts no obstacles in your way with regard to you seeing your daughter indicates to me that the problem may be of a personal nature and specific to her which she may have difficulty talking to you about.

If it is the case that she is in a confused state and / or not explaining herself as in her feelings / problems openly to you then I believe for the time being you need to accept the situation and see what transpires when she returns from her holiday. In the meantime you cannot torture yourself with thinking what the problem may be or allow her to give you hope then have it dashed. You need to be single minded in the next two weeks as you cannot solve the problem between the two of you because you don't know what it is so there is no point in trying, concentrate on yourself. You have made such headway, please keep up the cycling, visiting the café and the meditation. In doing these things you are creating a life for yourself which is in your control and will stand you in good stead in the future. These things may be more important for you to do and also healthier than the D.I.Y. at the house.

She has taken the wedding photographs down for a reason (it may be an innocent one), yet again you don't know as to why or do you? I can understand this must have hurt you. It is unfortunate this caused a nasty confrontation between the two of you. The fact your wife accepts you coming to the house, is hospitable and trusting when you are there, encouraging contact with your daughter and the two of you being able to communicate amicably is I believe more important than a photograph being removed.

I don't think you have been made a fool of, I think she is having great difficulty in saying what is on her mind and probably is not as forthcoming as she needs to be as to giving you reasons which would enable you to understand and in so doing lessen the yo-yoing effect it has on you..

Hi again my friends

Tonight, following the huge row mentioned in my previous post, we sat down and talked.
After the row, I felt that something had clicked and I realised that having desperately wanting to get my wife back since the split five weeks ago, I now know that I don't!
I told her this and I realised that I felt OK and somewhat relieved as I just felt enough is enough and having been held in limbo, I have made a choice tonight.
After a further chat, we had a hug for the first time in months and following a further honest talk, we ordered a takeaway and just relaxed in each other's company.
She did say her usual thing "you never know what the future holds for us" and "we're just having some space" but I feel I'm done now and told her so. I don't feel sad and I think the future looks a little rosier following my decision.
We managed to pull ourselves tonight from the brink of things turning nasty and decided that for our own sanity and for our daughter, that we will remain amicable and friendly.
I may have turned a corner, we'll see.

Hi Motherofafather

I have sent you a private message.

Morning all

I haven't slept all night following my decision last night (see previous two posts) and this morning I got up at 5am with the wife and daughter to see them off on their holiday which they were both excited for, especially my daughter.
I have not been able to get back to sleep and although I felt fine last night telling my wife that I don't want us back together, this morning I feel quite sad and lonely. I have not regretted making the decision, even though she will still say that a future reconcilliation is not ruled out, stating that we need to individually find ourselves; but I no longer want to be the one that's held in limbo and need to find a way to let go and move on.
I'm sure when I go back to my current residence (sisters house) tomorrow, I'll feel better as I'm staying at the house for the weekend alone with the dog.
She went on holiday with things amicable again between us (even got a hug) but I feel so low this morning.

I need to find an alternative idea with regard to getting my daughter from school, as I normally take her back to the house and make her tea, play with her, do reading from school all until her mum comes home from work. But, I'm increasingly not liking being at the house and seeing some of the wedding pictures had been taken down, upset me as an example of why I don't like it there. I don't want to start to search around the house for clues of how she's now living as that will mean that I have not let go, but with the school so close to the house, literally a five minute walk, it's so convenient and normal for my daughter.

Feeling sad isn't unusual, especially when it wasn't a bad marriage - you've lost a large part of your past (and the future you were expecting) and even though you know the decision you have made is the correct one, it's still a loss, so accept that the sadness is part of the proces.

Hi MotherofaFather

I have sent you a couple of private messages. You may need to put the kettle on!

Headspace

Hi, just been reading your story, and am sorry to hear your going through this.
I am nearly three months down the line after my marriage break up.
At my mums until tomorrow when I get my flat back.
See my story of you want more details!.
Anyway all the feelings, emotions, you are getting are perfectly normal.... Angry, hate, sad, lonely, feeling like this is the end.... All normal...
But trust me it will get easier, no time limit. Doing expect to feel great one day...you will have good and bad days.... But the bad days get less and less.
I joined this site and a few other forums.... Have made some new friends and we have a facebook messenger group...all going through a break up of one kind or another...we help each other. Chat. Laugh and keep each other motivated!.
I've been on a dating site, met a lovely lady...so just taking things as they come.
Feel free to private message me if you want any advice or fancy joining our little group.
Take care
Gary

Hi friends

Just felt like sharing my thoughts regarding this week.

Those who have kindly followed me, know all too well that I am now living at my sisters house only 9 miles away from my daughter. Wife wanted to separate and she realised that a break wasn't going to work, so has inadvertantly played mind games, giving me hope, then dashing those hopes -all because she is so confused.
I decided last week that I cannot go through this heartache of will she take me back or won't she, so I told her that I do not want us to get back together; this was hard because I never wanted to lose my family and literally begged her to take me back when we first separated, but a kind of self preservation/protection kicked in following a row on Friday night which was starting to get threatening (not violence, we're both very sensible). So I made the decision which I was comfortable with, but I have had moments this week of regret.

This week, she and my daughter have attended her brothers wedding abroad and I initially told her I will stay at the house over the weekend, (I am looking after our dog) which she was happy for me to do and even told me what food was in the freezer to cook for myself.
It is now Tuesday and I am still here, but I have resolved myself to returning to my sisters house tomorrow; my sister wanted me to come back on Monday as she states that if I stay all week, I will find it hard to leave, which she has a point.
I did feel low over the weekend, but the last two days I have felt OK. I have really enjoyed my alone time with the dog and all I have done is walks in the woods, read, meditated and watched Tv and films. I just needed my own company and have loved it!
I do now think though, that I am probably on some level liking it too much because this was my family home with all its comforts. The house is in a village and I know so many people (of which I have kept myself to myself this week because I feel people are looking at me like I have a green face with 4 eyes!) and the walks and views are just so peaceful.
Since I've been here, I've done a small DIY job, mowed the lawns, did the washing, kept the house clean and cleaned the conservatory roof and the gutters. I've also ran some errands for my wife that she has asked me to do and I've arranged for a boiler check ready for the winter. All stuff I would normally do when we were a family.
She has contacted me every day, with pictures of my daughter and a video from my daughter saying she misses and loves me; my wife has also just sent random messages saying how the holiday is and asking what I've been up to. There is no hope in her messages, just to the point but friendly which is what she wants.
She initially wanted to go on holiday and not contact me at all, instead using the time to get some "headspace". I'm not getting any hopes up because I am building up my strength emotionally to make a future for myself again, but it's hard because we don't hate each other, despite a couple of arguments recently!

Thanks for the update. I agree with your sister, I think you need to be back there again as at the moment, you are probably almost feeling like they've just gone away for a few days, and then they'll be back and it will all be normal - I know rationally you know that isn't going to happen, but it's all too comfortable to avoid the reality at the moment. However, if you can keep it amicable, it is going to make it a lot easier for everyone for now.

Morning friends

I needed to post this morning as I woke up at 5am in a complete panic about things.

I am staying at my sisters,which is small but cosy and I have been making some really good progress in dealing with my separation and just doing the small things that I enjoy and distract me, ie. reading books, cycling and meditation -including a meditation group I've joined, all whilst being supported by my sister and her fiancé.

My wife and I are amicable and access to my 5 year old daughter has been easy, two or three times per week and I often stay and put her to bed before I go.
I have found that with the current situation, although still emotionally upsetting, it seems to work. We haven't found new relationships and when I am with my daughter and my wife is there, we act as a family and sometimes we get a bit emotional if we discuss things.

I have been signed off work for 2 months now and I am in an anxious state this morning because it hit me that I feel I do not want to return to work and I am dreading the thought of getting myself a place to live!
It might sound pathetic, but with the progress I've made, going back to work firstly feels too much because at the end of my shift, I won't be going home to my family.
Secondly, I just still cannot imagine being in a house on my own at the moment, even though I enjoy my own company and am quite introverted.
It's probably just anxiety today because we have only been separated since the end of August and I am staying over at the marital house to take care of my daughter today. But the thought of living on my own and returning to work has been there since we separated.

Anyone else had these issues or feelings?

Headspace

Hi, yes I know exactly what you are feeling...in fact I have just done what you are dreading!...
Moved into my flat at the weekend, and last night was the first time I was alone... Had been at my mums since break up in July.
So today was my first day in flat. Lots to do but its ok.
Have this week off then back to work... So that will be another hurdle.
But its been ok so far, weird but ok. Just trying to do the things I enjoy...i had sport on the tv all day... Made lots of cups of tea and coffee... Ate what I wanted.. When I wanted...
I guess it will become the normal routine...
I am on to the dating game again and dipping my toes in slowly.
Good luck
Goatjazz

Morning my friends

Since my last post and the kind replies and advice, I have had some up and down emotions in the last week which I feel has set me back emotionally.
This has saddened me as I was starting to make some progress in my recovery -little by little. I still have some hurdles to cross, namely returning to work after being signed off for a couple of months with anxiety and depression and I'm not looking forward to this as I had enjoyed the "timeout" and did things that I liked to aid in distractions and recovery.
Whilst the breakdown of my marriage is both sad and heartbreaking and not seeing my daughter every day hurts me, my situation if you can say it, is not as bad as some others that I've read.
Namely, my wife and I are amicable and on good terms and I see my daughter regularly, even staying over at the family home on occasion.
This week I have stayed over a couple of times as it was convenient for the next day (separate rooms) and my wife and I have been respectful, chatty and generally getting on, almost feeling like a family again.
However, we all had a family trip to the cinema and prior to going my wife was very low and emotional. She admitted the next day that she found the trip to the cinema very hard being with me because it evoked some feelings. Now, she doesn't want me to stay and she can hardly look at me, which has caused a couple of small rows.
As the breakup is still so raw (end of August) we are both having some bad days and the cinema trip whilst it was sad for me to spend time as a family, hit my wife quite hard. She's protecting herself from the emotions but inadvertently she's hurting me again because we were getting on so amicably and now she wants to shut me out.
It could be a blessing in disguise, as I have been harbouring feelings that we could still work things out, when I know that she doesn't want to, but as she's said, she "cannot just switch off her feelings". I have been labouring under a false sense of security, playing the happy families and being around her a lot hoping that something good would come of it, which has resulted in some low days for me when I return to my temporary life at my sisters house.
As a last resort yesterday, I asked her if she would consider relate marriage counselling, which we had discussed prior to our breakup, but never did go.
She did not answer me and when I prompted her again 15mins later, she said, "there's no point now".
I knew that would be her answer, I just needed to confirm that she was adamant that there would be no reconciliation.
She did apologise later via messenger, saying that she's just emotional at the moment, but I have deleted my messenger account due to her constantly changing profile pictures. They are always either of our daughter or herself, but recently it was "Magic Mike" actor Channing Tatum dressed as a stripper profile picture which I felt was bad timing due to the high emotions this week.
I was really keen yesterday to find my own place to rent as I wasn't going to start until after Christmas, so I started ringing around estate agents and looking online. However today, now that the feelings have subsided, I am not so keen and want to stay in the protective bubble of my sisters house, which I know is not an ideal situation.

Advice and comments appreciated