[Solved] Are there others like me?

You seem to be at a crossroads and don't know how your future will turn out. I can see that it's crushing you. I know where you're coming from I hide myself away and do as much as possible to distract myself because I can't deal with the sadness of it all.

Your ex also seems to be at a crossroads and can't decide what to do. Because she is the one making the decisions she seems to have a certain amount of control over you and the situation (the person who has been dumped is always vulnerable).

If there is any chance of a reconciliation, arguments aren't going to help. If I was in your situation I think I'd try and arrange some time together where you can do things you both like, whether it's watching a movie on the sofa or going for a walk together. Try to be the person she wants to be with - have fun or just be contented and confident. Unfortunately for me my separation demanded that I couldn't take that opportunity. If you get another chance, just explain that you understand she has doubts and that relationships are hard work, it takes two people to make them work.

You may have to reconcile yourself to the fact that you're not going to sort things out. If that's the case then take one day at a time and lick your wounds - you will heal with time and when you've moved on you'll be able to look back and see your time together as an experience. You think that you'll never meet anyone else, you have low self esteem. But I promise you there are women out there who are in the same situation who feel just as vulnerable and lonely, who've been through relationship breakups and want to be loved and have fun.

Concentrate on yourself - do whatever it is you need to do to heal and accept. Whether that's reading books or climbing everest. Concentrate on your daughter and try to convince your ex that it's best for her that she has as much contact with both of you as possible. Your daughter must be really confused as well and will need two parents to help her make sense of it all.

As for your sister, I'm sure she understands. Try to do something helpful for her and not be too much of a burden, even if it's just little things. Show her that you appreciate her help. It's really hard living with other people after you've been your own man for so long. You can't just get up and do the things you could when you were at home.

Heh, I'm giving you all this advice and I'm in exactly the same boat with very little light at the end of the tunnel. To answer your question, yes there are others like you.

Hi all

I was wondering if there are others out there like me -I'll explain.

I am a friendly guy and will speak to anyone. At work I am always joking and have a wicked sense of humour (I work in the emergency services), and I feel I'm quite popular with my colleagues.

But, outside of work, I am quite introverted and don't have any friends I socialise with; I have always had low self-esteem and my only friend and confidant was my wife.
We split up a month ago and I am now living with my sister and her fiancé, staying in their small third bedroom.
We have a five year old daughter which my wife and I are getting on fine to keep the disruption at a minimum for her.

The thing is, all advice I have read about and been told is that you have to socialise with people and get out. The problem is, I feel uncomfortable socialising for the sake of it and I'd prefer to carry on doing what i am doing -road cycling, reading novels, walking and sitting in coffee shops staring off into space, all solo activities!! I agree, it's better for recovery if you have friends and family around you, but I prefer to be alone.

With that though, my sister is away this week on holiday and I have the house to myself and I have struggled because I find them as a bit of security if I need to talk. Also, the thought of moving on is very scary being alone again and I cannot envision it at the moment.

This post seems quite confusing, so is there anyone out there who's able to relate and fathom out what I'm saying?

k

Very much like this.

This is a great forum happy to tell you you're being foolish when needed. I did netmums first, stay away!

Hello Headspace,

You had a bit of a set back yesterday. Please don't be too down hearted and feel your hopes and dreams are dashed, that is what happens with heightened emotions, people experience the extremes of an emotion e.g. they feel excited and full of hope at one end of the scale or devastation at the other end, two extremes consequently we are like a yo-yo feeling either up or down. It is the third option of being at the middle of the scale where we all strive to be at, where a level of realistic hope exists and neither over excitement nor the feeling of acute devastation is experienced. This being the place to be as it provides stability and allows us to function.

Based on what you have written I don't believe your hopes should be dashed. Let's look at the positives of yesterday:-

!) your wife needs and trusts you to help and support her when she is poorly.
2) trusts and welcomes you into the family home where you are welcome to stay overnight,
3) has complete faith and trust in you to care for your daughter, in so doing maintaining the bond you have with your child.
AND
4) she still wants to try dating.

The negatives of yesterday:-

1) an unfortunate argument instead of a constructive discussion which took place in the early hours of the morning which is not the best of times to be talking as in trying to understand or resolve an issue particularly when both people are unwell and tired.
2) your exaggerated feelings are causing you to worry about a new issue which has come to the fore front of your mind which does not appear to be based on fact. You feel you are imposing on your sister even though there isn't anything which has been said. I know it is not what you want, to be living at your sister's but you need to accept it may be the best place for you for a while and not worry about this at present as all signs are that she is accepting you and wants to help. Wait until she says something to you before adding a new worry to your mind or if you feel strong enough ask her if it is alright for you to still be there. Then you will be dealing with reality instead of your imagination and the horrible worry and stress it evokes in you.

Let's look at the dating which has all the hallmarks of taking place. You are both unwell consequently you both need to uplift the other and make it mutually enjoyable.
The question is, how do you do this? You need to think of some ideas, where to meet, what to do, what shall I wear, etc.
When on the date with her it needs to be remembered IT IS A DATE the first of a number of dates, an event to be made as enjoyable and uplifting as possible for you both. It is NOT the time to enter into discussion about any issues either of you may have, this must be avoided at all cost.

I would suggest for the next two weeks while your wife is on holiday to keep working on the diversions you use to moderate your thoughts and fears.
Practise your coping strategies.
Accept without question the hospitality of your sister.
Be kind to yourself. Do not allow your imagination to become too vivid and to dwell on the IF'S (try to master the technique of "floating" which is rather like a duck swimming by on the river, it comes, swims past us then goes out of sight just as a thought will if you allow it to) as they are destructive and invariable the IF'S are never as bad in reality as they are in our imagination.

Remember that one day you will notice the sun is shining.

Please keep posting.

Hi Headspace
My personal view is thatit's certainly worth trying dating and definitely try relate, but I think for the moment, it's worth continuing to stay at your sister's for the while to give things a chance to settle down and to sort out both of your feelings with less pressure on you both.

Hi friends

I certainly agree and appreciate all the replies -thank you.

Today I have been quite mopey and low, which is to be expected considering I've been given hope then that hope had been taken away.
We are, especially my wife, very mixed up and confused; we've been separated for about a month now and because I want to get my family back, I have been impatient, expecting her to arrive at a decision.
I don't hold out much hope now, but what I am going to try and do is start to slowly plan my future, take care of myself and see my daughter regularly.
If my wife wants to talk when she's ready, Ill listen, but I have to start to find some strength and take the upper hand because at the moment I feel like I am being controlled.
She said a comment last night when she stated that she wants to "see me as a man, not someone who is broken"! I felt that was a little unfair to say, which has prompted me to try and find some strength somewhere.

Morning friends

I have had a restless night where my head was just full of random thoughts and just wouldn't settle down. I needed a distraction so apologies if I start to ramble, I thought blogging would be an ideal way to forget things.

I really have taken a backward step and am experiencing all the heartbreak symptoms again; I feel like I cannot function and I am just so low. I didn't have any motivation yesterday or today. The only plus side today is, I have counselling and I am seeing my daughter after school. Apart from that, all the fears of moving on alone have resurfaced again!

Hello Headspace,

When we feel acute stress, anxiety and fear (these three are interconnected) it is such a dreadful experience we want to get rid of the feelings immediately and in so doing rush and become impatient to solve the problem which is causing the distress. It is understandable to rush but it does not work, it is mostly a slow process where patience with yourself, understanding your feelings coupled with taking up new / old interests is the healthy and successful way to recovery and regaining your strength.

You say quote, "we are, especially my wife, very mixed up and confused," that comment speaks volumes, you both need rest and a sensible amount of time for you both to be on their own to regain your equilibriums. It is not possible for you both to successfully discuss serious issues and resolve them when you are both struggling so much. It is counter productive to try as it is most likely that one or the other will make an unfortunate comment as did your wife to you, most likely borne out of the confusion and the tiredness she feels. This is the sort of thing that happens and I think she may regret having spoken that way.

Please accept that you both need time to rest and consolidate your thoughts without any pressure being applied to yourselves or each other.

Look at the positives in your life as listed in a previous message, they are still there and have not altered.

As for hope, I haven't read anything in what you have written that should have dashed any of your hopes, you are still going to date.

In short, you are in an unbearable fog and are rushing to get away from it. Choose a direction, walk through it slowly and with patience, if you stumble pick yourself up and continue walking armed with the skills you have or know about which you can apply to make your journey more comfortable. I am under no illusion it is easy but the fog doesn't last forever.

Please keep posting whether it be rambles, questions, information etc.

Hi Headspace,
.
If blogging here helps then keep doing it, we are all here for support and help, many of us have been where you are now, either becuase of leaving someone and all the stress and issues that come with that or becuase someone left us, it's a natural feeling and although it does get better it takes time.
.
I think as you have said it's time to concentrate on you and your daughter, yes you may have a chance for things to work still with your partner/ex partner, but that is still up in the air and you have no real control over how she feels and what she wants, so concentrate on what you can control, looking after yourself with your counselling and looking after your daughter, things with your partner/ex partner may fall into place and they may not, but if you can keep the constant of looking after yourself and your daughter, hopefully you will start to get through things.
.
GTTS

Thanks guys

I went for a long walk, had a latte and sat outside the coffee shop in the sun to read my book and walked back home. That made me feel slightly better.

Hi

Glad going for a walk and coffee provided some relief for you. Be kind to yourself during what is an incredibly difficult time.

Keep posting here and we will all try to support you.

Hoping today is better for you.

Anything you can do to get you back into normal life is going to help, even the simple things like this. It takes time, but you are getting there 🙂

Thank you actd

I am certainly of the mindset that I have to take small steps to protect myself and I do not do any self-destruct things.
I don't drink so there is no chance I would "hit the bottle" although I do understand why some people do and I am not interested in clubbing to all hours or even thinking about dating. I am not on Facebook as I feel it is not useful to me and I have not been tempted to go near my house which I left (and loved in a village) unless it's to pick up my daughter.
Reading which settles my mind and cycling to clear the mind is all helpful and is all I am doing at the moment.
I have been into meditation for about a month now as recommended by my counsellor and I have been so fascinated by the Buddhist tradition, that I joined a Buddhist temple/group yesterday and went for my first meditation day with an ordained nun; it was very uplifting and peaceful and met some nice people.
I'm not really a social bunny and do 90% of things on my own which I am comfortable with, so going to the temple was out of my comfort zone but was necessary for me.

So, as I said, I am doing all the right things. I am slowly starting to see a future but I am still not quite ready to move on and my sister has told me not to rush in moving out which has been a worry of mine. I still don't feel ready to go back to work (I work as a paramedic) as the stress of that job is just too much at the moment and I still do get daily anxieties and restless nights, but the anti-depressants haven't kicked in yet.

With regard to the current situation with my wife.
She ended the relationship nearly 5 weeks ago based on approx 5 years of problems in the marriage since our daughter was born. I cannot even go into detail as to what the problems were, because I am slowly going through it myself, but I can take a lot of the blame for the problems that we have and for a long time I took all the blame. I had previously been to counselling (2 years ago) to help me to change and things in the marriage started to look up.
I realise now that my wife had issues too but wouldn't admit to them, so with me making the effort to change, she would be stuck in the past and wouldn't move on with me, so things broke down again and this is where we are now.
She has a controlling nature and whilst it's not controlling of an individual, she controls everything else around her and won't admit weakness; she is struggling a bit now as this situation has no choice but to show how weak and vulnerable we all are.
She is starting to re-discover herself, which is good as I am doing the same thing. She has gotten herself a bucket list and the latest thing (wing walking a month ago) is getting herself a motorbike licence, something I was concerned about in the past but I told her to go for it. I even told her I would do it with her, but I doubt I would!

For about a week now she has gone from talking about dating and having a nice chilled out evening talking, to days later saying she wants no relationship, to changing her mind again saying that she just needs space and finally to telling me to move on as in about 7 or 8 months time she might decide that she doesn't want to give it a go!!
Is there any wonder I am meditating now??
Apart from a minor row last week where I accused her of inadvertently playing head games with me, we are still very much amicable.
Only this morning she text me stating that my daughter is not going to one of her activities this morning, so I can come over when I like -with kisses after her texts which is something that she stopped doing months ago.

I am in the mindset that I will move on and not wait for my wife to make a decision in several months time; I don't want to be held in limbo, it's not good for my mental health which has suffered for a long time. I would like to be in a position where I can dictate what I want to do in the future.
All I care about at the moment is finding inner peace, enjoy the things that make me happy and seeing my daughter and ensuring her welfare.

Thank you to whoever reads this and as always I enjoy reading the very uselful and wonderful advice.