[Solved] Are there others like me?

Hello Headspace,

I can fully understand where you are coming from !

It could well be a combination of conscious and subconsciously protecting yourself. Feeling sad when you leave your old home and on other occasions are all natural and normal emotions to feel. When you are going to see your daughter it naturally evokes a mixture of both excitement and nervousness, quite normal under the circumstances.

When under severe stress our emotions are heightened therefore we can feel able to cope at certain times and then something triggers an emotion which produces a heightened response (because of stress) therefore leaving us questioning why one minute we feel reasonable and then the next minute feel terribly sad. This is the healing process. You are having windows of acceptance which is good.

You sound to me as though you are making progress. Although I acknowledge for the person suffering, progress is never as quick as they want it to be.

Please keep posting.

Hi Motherofafather

I agree with what you are saying, quite enlightening really.
Some days I do feel like I can move on and the heartache eases, but then a thought dominates me and I'm back to worrying about the future that I do not know.
I guess only time is going to heal me

Hello Headspace,

I wrote my previous message to you whilst I was in a bit of a hurry so I hope it made sense.

Two things:-

First when a thought dominates and takes you back to worrying the fact the thought has returned is distressing in itself, you are then dealing with two lots of distress one being the thought and the other being the return of it.. It is possible to accept that thought and to try not to fight it to go away, the more you fight it the longer it will stay with you. Accepting the thought and developing the skill to "float" past that thought does bring relief but it is a skill that needs to be practised.

Secondly, quote, "worrying about the future," our imagination can run wild when we think of the future and it can be a very fearful imagining BUT it is our imagination and not reality that overwhelms us. In saying that I am not undermining concerns you have for the future, there is a difference between concerns and fear borne out of imagination.

None of us know what the future holds but we can use the skills and knowledge we have to create a future for ourselves. Looking at it that way the future may not be as unknown to you as you think it is at present.

Accept the low periods, take advantage of the times when you are having a better day, be patient with yourself and remember what I said to you in a previous message quote, "one day you will notice the sun is shining."

Please keep posting.

Hi Motherofafather

Thank you for your reply.

I agree with your advice on thoughts; I am practicing mindfulness which is good for teaching me about accepting and letting thoughts go, so I'm working on that daily. Some days I can fully relax and let things go, other days I struggle.
Last night, I spent the night at my home to look after my daughter due to my wife going on a hen weekend.
I did not sleep and as the morning drew closer I became more and more anxious and felt quit low.
By the time I got up I was in a real anxious state!
I think it was because I was in my large marital bed in a lovely large bedroom that I decorated, and I know that tonight I'll be back in a single bed in a box room at my sisters house. I'm certainly not diminishing my sisters help and support, but it does give me a reality check of what I had and what I'm reduced to now.

I just feel so scared and fragile all the time.

Hi Motherofafather

Forgot to ask. What are your thoughts on Buddhist meditation?

Hello Headspace,

I think entering your old home to look after your daughter for the weekend was a very admirable thing to do particularly as you are rather fragile at the moment and naturally it caused all kinds of emotions to surface hence you was quote, " in a real anxious state" when you got up. It must have been tortuous for you, you entered your old world and then returned to your world at present which is with your sister Almost everyone in your position would have felt the same had they done what you did.

It was a wonderful thing to do both for your daughter and also your wife, you looked to their welfare, rather than your own. Long term if your relationship between you and your wife stays as harmonious as it appears to be, it will be of enormous benefit to you and your daughter in the future as keeping contact with her is so vital.

This is a public forum and anyone can read what is written so do not feel under any obligation to answer my questions.

1) Is there any hope at all of you and your wife getting back together? Would some kind of counselling such as Relate help to further that aim?

2) You left the family home, would it not have been possible to stay or was it too difficult living together?

If in the future separation / divorce is the decision you both come to, I would ask you to pay serious consideration to your finances as you need to remember that you need to be able to finance a home of your own and to be able to live a life as well. However, you are not at that stage yet and who knows you may never be but I mention it as I have read so many times where the fathers appear to forget about their own situation and after the legalities are finalized they then find themselves struggling financially.

Buddhist meditation, I know very little about it. Buddhism I believe is more of a way of life than a religion, I can identify with much of their philosophy. If you think meditation would help it may be an idea to try it. I'm sure you are aware it can be done without having a connection to Buddhism if you so wished. Yoga is something often recommended.

Please keep posting as we want to do as much as we can to help.

Hi Motherofafather

Thank you for your reply.

When I left the house yesterday after looking after my daughter for the weekend, my wife contacted me two hours later to ask if I could return home and put our daughter to bed due to my wife having a flair up of a medical condition yesterday afternoon, which was genuine (she's ok today).
The wife was starting to feel slightly better later in the evening, but I decided that I would stay (in the spare room) so that I could attend to our daughter in the night if needs be.

We sat talking, watched a drama on TV that we both wanted to see and talked some more.
She stated that she regrets saying that she had no feelings towards me, in that she felt pressured last week to say that; she said that she does love and have feelings for me, she cannot just switch off 12 years together, but just needs the space.
She hasn't ruled in a reconciliation, still using the 'if we get back together" words, but said that when she gets back from a wedding that she is attending with our daughter abroad in two weeks, she wants to go on a date so that we could try and re-connect.
There was no intimacy, or even holding of hands, but a mutual respect of each other and a very honest discussion.

Obviously. I am taking this as a positive, but I am not allowing myself to get too optimistic and when leaving the house this morning after I took our daughter to school, I was very on edge and anxious -still unable to face breakfast.
So in answer to your first question, a week ago there was a chance of a reconciliation, after a couple of long talks yesterday, there's a possibility.
She's not the sort of person mess someone around as she has a very caring nature. She's very honest and tells it how it is, so I don't think she is playing games, just confused. She's admitted that she is starting to feel like herself again and is dong things that she enjoys, running and now charity events.

The second answer is that there is every possibility of moving back into my old home; we discussed this yesterday if I needed to leave my sisters house. We decided I could move back even if we didn't reconcile; we'd just have to work something out.

I'd like your take on this, as I'm trying not to feel optimistic about things, in case I get my heart broken again.

It might be worthwhile considering some form of couples counselling. Here's a link to Relates website

www.relate.org.uk

They can offer direct counselling, or via telephone and email. Sometimes we all need help to clear our thoughts, it sounds to me that your wife is confused, but from what you say the space you have given her has helped her to regain a little clarity....let's hope this continues. My advice would be to carry on being supportive, but without any pressure. I think a date is a good idea, sometimes we forget what it was that made us fall in love in the first place!

Sometimes, without meaning to, or even realising it, we can forget to keep the romance alive in a relationship, especially when children become part of the package! Maybe try and think about what you could do to inject that spontaneity and romance back into your relationship if your wife wants to try again.

I really do hope this can work out for you all, try not to have any expectations, but the signs are encouraging

All the best

Hi Mojo

Thank you for your reply.

We had discussed couples counselling previously before things come to a head. I had mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, but she felt it was a case of "shut the door after horse has bolted" which I know is not the case at all. Anyway, after a little perspective, I think she might try it.
She seems to know what she wants to do, ie date again, reconnect and she also mentioned that "if" we do reconcile, then she doesn't want me to move back in straight away and into family life immediately, instead, she wants to just date so we can learn about each other again without family pressure. I can see the logic in that, but it's all speculative at the moment. She wants to enjoy her holiday with our daughter and her family (her brothers wedding) and decide after.
I am so far keeping myself from being too optimistic as there are no guarantees in life.

Hi Headspace,
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I think you are right not too get your hopes up, not becuase it may not happen but just becuase it's the unkown, and it's back to the what if's.
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If it were me I would continue the way you have with the ways you have found to get through things, and then if she says she wants to try again, continue those things while working on re building your relationship, I think it will be important for both of you to have your own interests and things to do if you do get back together, especially during the dating period so that you both have space to decide what you want from the relationship.
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If you don't get back together, I think moving back into the house with her would be very difficult for you, you still have feelings for her, and you would always be on edge, my wife has a friend who still lives with his ex as he couldn't afford to move out, he sees his ex wife going on dates, and carrying on with her life while he is still very much in love with her, and while he lives in the same house he isn't able to get over those feelings and move on with his life.
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It may not be the same for you, but you would have to be very strong to be able to live under the same roof as her if you weren't together.
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I really hope things work out for you and you are able to give things another try and work out what went wrong, please keep us posted.
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GTTS

Hello Headspace,

Your previous message looks full of potential and encouraging.

I think it a good idea to continue to pursue the coping strategies you have, namely going for coffee and people watching, road cycling and reading novels plus any other activity which you may find interests you. These provide relaxation and stability as you are in total charge of this area of your life and no one can take these away from you. These will help the exaggerated emotions you are feeling due to being stressed, return to a normal level. In turn and most important these activities (as discussed before) will serve as diversions to help you to think more clearly and reduce the level of fear and fragility you feel. I appreciate some days are better than others, the skill is to not be "thrown" by a bad day, dismiss the bad day as to tomorrow is another day and it could easily be a lot better.

Both you and your wife appear to possess the most important of qualities to rebuild your relationship, trust, a mutual respect for one another, honesty, caring natures, selflessness and the ability to communicate, quote "very honest discussion." With these qualities you both have, I believe the foundations are already established between you both and dating is an excellent idea. I think dating and injecting some excitement and making time for each other may be what is required.

You mention your wife has a medical condition It appears this may have influenced the situation between you both and I am of the opinion she may want to have a little time to recoup and collate her thoughts.

I think it was wise to refrain from intimacy when you were having your discussion and it may or it may not be a good idea to refrain at the beginning of your dating as it can serve to camouflage the real problem between you both which needs to be dealt with.

With regard to moving back to the house, I would be open minded about that at present. Your wife is away for two weeks, you have the same amount of time to carry on doing what you are doing in trying to reduce your fear and stress levels and to do some positive thinking about courting whilst keeping "your feet on the ground."

When you have started your dating and there is some indication which way things are going that is the time, I believe when you should begin to consider your options regarding your family home.

Please keep posting.

Hi
Thanks for the replies

Yesterday I collected my daughter from school and my wife needed to go to the hospital (she's fine now) so I said that I will stay overnight again.
My wife came home at 23:30 and we had a late snack and began talking.
My previous couple of posts were very positive based on our discussion the previous night, but last night she was stating that although she still wanted to try dating, she now doesn't know what she feels or wants to do; basically, she was gong back to having doubts about a reconciliation. This blew over to an argument at 1am in the morning.
Now I feel so heartbroken again! I had built up hopes and dreams because of the conversation two nights ago of a reconciliation and now those have been dashed.
So, I am back to square one and to make things worse, I am now starting to feel that I am imposing at my sisters house, although nothing's been said. I don't feel ready to move on independently as the fear of living on my own is still petrifying me.

I don't have any friends to talk to so the only saviour I have is this forum. I just feel so broken again and so low. I am signed off work and on anti-depressants.