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15 years is a long time. The last time I saw them they were babies. I'll explain briefly what happened. I got into trouble with the law and went to jail. My crime had nothing to do with my wife or my kids. Just want to make that clear. I was not an abusive husband or father. I loved my kids and my wife for that matter. While I was in jail, my wife left me for another man. She then moved away and took the kids with her.
My crime. My wife cheated on me all the time. It was a source of frustration. One of the guys she cheated on me with got her pregnant. I beat him up. I went overboard. Nearly killed him. She denied everything to the cops and once he woke up in the hospital, so did he. I was convicted of aggravated assault. I am a very big guy. 6'5" 270lbs. Court showed me no mercy. I was painted up as a vicious thug. Since then I realize that i took it too far. I have done things to become a better person. I went back to college and got a degree. I don't drink or do drugs. I spend my free time with family and friends. I have a good job. But that is now. When I got out of jail, my prospects were not so great. I had to work very hard to get to where I am now.
When I got out I had a hard time finding a good job and was forced to remain within the state for a period of time. My ex moved around a lot and finally I lost contact with her. She disappeared. I went to Texas to find her and found some of her old addresses but could not find her.
Years went by and finally I found my son online. She had changed his name and moved to another state. She had gotten married to some guy, but to my knowledge she had not divorced me. It turns out that she was a bigamist. I knew where they were but it had been so long I was unsure how to proceed. I read a lot of articles online about how I should act when I see them. All of the articles said the same thing. Don't say anything negative about the other parent. This woman basically kidnapped my kids and god knows what she told them about me. Now to see my kids I can say to them nothing of this?
I followed the advice of the experts and assumed my role as the bad parent who went to prison and didn't bother to call his kids for over a decade. I left out all the details about their mother running away with them. I suppose the most important thing is that I get to see them. Maybe one day the mother will confess her sins. My kids have been living in a delusion since I left there lives. It was a big enough shock for them when I appeared after so long.
My son opened up to me first, and I have been speaking with him for almost a year now. My daughter was slower to open up, but we are finally talking. I am taking it slow and not trying to pressure them. In two days I will travel to see them. 800 miles away. It will be a brief visit. It means so much to me though.
All of this has been so hard. Not telling them my side of the story. I have not lied to them. I have just told them that i went to prison. They never asked many details so I just left it at that. The man my wife is with is giving me a hard time. He feels like he is their father since he has been there and the kids have grown attached to him. I don't fight with him about it. I try to remain passive and just sit back and take it. I want to cause as little disturbance as possible. I don't want the kids to feel like they have to choose me over them
. I have taken this slow and have been very patient. My hope is that over the years my kids will come to know me for who I am and form their own opinions about me. Despite the tension I feel inside about keeping my ex's secrets, I am very happy. I am finally going to see my kids again. I am nervous. I don't know what to expect. I am on top of the world. I had been depressed about this for so long. Maybe the next half of my life will be filled with joy. WIsh me luck.
That is a amazing story Outsider and its so refreshing to see a father not using the ammunition that you have. I completely agree that it would make the situation worse if those "secrets" were to come out.
The most important thing it to build the relationship with your kids. There maybe bumps along the way but at lease you wont look back and say "what if".
Please update us and let us know how you get on.
Good luck
Hi there and welcome
I just want to say that you are doing exactly the right thing by not overloading your kids, let them lead and at some point they will ask you for more detail. When they do try not to be bitter though, bear in mind that regardless of how badly their mother behaved, they love her and they won't want to hear how bad she has been... Just give them the facts and let them make their own minds up.
It's better to concentrate on the future and leave the past behind.
Please come back and let us know how you all got on.
Thank you for confirming that I am doing the right thing by not putting blame on the mother. It is hard because i want to appear "Good" in their eyes. It is hard to explain why I was not there without going into details that would make their mother look bad. I actually read some books on rhetoric to try to learn how to explain myself without revealing those details. I am worried about the questions that will come. I am also worried about what might happen if they speak with any of my other family. My father understands my position and is supportive. The rest of my family thinks I am going about this all wrong. I was near suicide over this entire business. They are very resentful of her. I have had to exclude all of them from this for fear they might say things to the kids that would destroy any chances I have of building a relationship with them. I know i am doing this the right way. It will take a long time, but I can wait forever. I have made good progress already and so far the response from the kids has exceeded all of my expectations. I feel like there is a metaphysical force guiding me through this. Someone is helping me. I am just so nervous. I don't know how I will react when I finally get to see them.
WOW! What an amazing story! Fair play to you man I think you're going about it the right way you can do no more I'd just concentrate on building up your relationship as you are doing and when the questions crop up like NJ said just be open honest and don't slag the ex off.
Wow, and amazing story.
My twopenniesworth - your ex is in the past. She is irrelevant, and so is what she has done. The present and future is your relationship with your children. They don't need to know the past - they don't need to chose, they have room for all of you in their life, and that will be better for them.
This was an emotionally draining weekend. I was rehearsed what I was going to say to my kids when I finally saw them, but when the time came I was in awe. My mind went blank. I didn't cry at first. I thought I might, but I didn't. For most of the weekend we talked about everything other than our relationship. It was awkward and there was a lot of uncomfortable silences. We did have fun together and learned a lot about one another. It was not until the end of the weekend when the emotions took over. It happened all of a sudden, I was talking and then I was crying. They hugged me and I sobbed. I am heading home in the morning. I am exhausted emotionally but I feel like that part of me I lost so many years ago is back. I am a father again. They assured me that this was just the beginning. My heart is filled with joy.
Hi Outsider,
A truly amazing story, and one which conveys just how much a father can achieve when he needs to see his children.
Re-establishing contact, especially after so long, is never easy. Combining that with the geographical issues you're facing - I can't begin to imagine how you've managed to get through all of these years... I fear that I wouldn't have been as strong.
Your ex has done a terrible thing, and no one would blame you for never forgiving her. But, what she has done is in the past, I'm sure she did what she thought was in the best interests of both her and your children at the time. Her new partner sounds as though he's just being protective of your children (and I'm sure he's had years of "her side of the story" to paint a darker picture of you).
I would simply say: keep doing what you are doing, prove yourself to your children through the strength of your conviction to seeing them and being a part of your life. Everything else will follow. It will continue to get better, and your relationship will get stronger.
Other than that, I'd just like to say - Well Done! and thank you for sharing your story here... too often we only see the negative outcomes, the painful decisions and the hurtful losses. It's nice to hear a positive outcome, especially after such an arduous journey!
I hope your relationship with your children continues to grow and blossom, and they get the opportunity to see how much their father clearly loves them.
All my best,
BD.
...Aw Outsider, I had tears in my eyes reading this! Your joy shines through your words and I don't think it could have gone any better. Of course there will be silences, you all have questions you're not ready to ask yet, but you'll get there!
For now you all have so much to catch up on and as much as you feel you have regained that which was lost for so long, they too will be feeling the same...it will be an emotional but healing journey for you all....
Outsider, make sure you bookmark this thread so in a few years time when you have built a great relationship with your children, you can read this and see what you have achieved.
Thank you for sharing your story and best of luck to you and your kids for the future.
Thanks,
Sean
Outsider - fancy doing a regular blog? I think it would be inspirational to dads who haven't seen their kids for a long time to read what you are achieving 🙂
A regular Blog? I don't know about that. I simply came here to confirm from the community that I was approaching this the right way. My relationship with my kids is going to be a work in progress for the rest of my life. Everyone has a different situation. I suppose my biggest advice to dads going through this is to place your kids feelings before your own and make all of your decisions with that in mind. That may mean that you have to chose to allow your ex to win the argument, but winning the argument is not the goal, being a part of your kids life is the goal. It is better that you take the pain. You sacrifice your pride. Don't place the kids in the middle. Think of them first always. That is the way I am approaching this. It isn't easy, but I think in the end, it will be for the best.
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