[Solved] Grieving

Mr Orange - we've been fostering a little boy that we had since 6 weeks old. He left to go to adoptive parents on Friday (he was 14 months) and whilst i know he's gone to a good home, and will be well loved (and we will probably see him again) i feel totally bereft.... I've got angry with a couple of people unnecessarily this weekend already, and keep coming across things that remind me of him and i start to well up and cry.... I can only imagine what the death of a child must be like as this is painful enough... Our friends keep phoning to see how we are - and really i wish everyone would leave us alone.. I've sat here this afternoon looking a photos and a video - we've laughed and shed a few tears but really i want the world to stop.. even my own kids keep asking me things and i just want them to go away (of course i don't send them away but i just want to be alone)...

I dug out one of my favourite poems, i find it just expresses exactly where i'm at

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

Hello Mr Orange

Thought I would just say Hi and ask how you're doing today. I don't have any words or any advice, just wanted to make sure you're doing ok.

We here at Dadtalk are thinking of you and your family.

I'm fine...
well that is what I always say when people ask me. If I know them a bit better then I talk for a while and it gives me time for 'stuff' to bubble up (usually with some tears held back).
Right now its tough. Been awake a couple of hours so eventually got up and made a cuppa. Thoughts just going round my head.
Am starting to feel rather numb. Not really interested in doing things but still making a point of doing them (eg put TV on last night and eventually found stand up comedy was the most distracting).
Lost my appetite last night but managed to eat properly - I know its important.
Had another body blow which left me feeling like being in limbo or treading water.
Will make a point of doing something together with 'the missus' today. Probably go out and visit one of these creaky-old stately homes (which should be amusing as our toddler attempts to push/chew/knock/eat anything within tippie-toe reach).
Thanks for listening... Its helped a bit.
/J

I wanted to post again to share my experience with others reading...
Have had a couple of days where I have felt and acted flat. Am getting on with normal tasks and day to day life.
I have not got back into doing any DIY because I simply don't feel up to getting that done - it seems insignificant.
Last night I played a board game for a couple of hours around a friend's house - I am glad I went - It feeled like I was making a positive effort to 'get on with things'.
It feels like people/friends are holding back at a distance, as if not wanting to interrupt my grief. I am pleased that there are some people who are able to chat and be normal.
Have planned to visit the west country just to get away from things. I am very aware that I am being grouchy towards my wife. Normal misunderstandings just seem bigger than they used to be.
Have been feeling emotianally drained the past days.
Generally a strange experience I have not had before. I have sobbed deeply over our little one - and I recall that I didn't cry as much when my Dad died more than 10 years ago.
We are trying to plan a memorial service - but it feels amazingly difficult to get the momentum going.

MrO - thinking of you during this difficult time. Thanks for sharing what must be an incredibly difficult time.

Ron

Hi MrO

Have never experienced what you're going through so cant begin to imagine how it must feel, but just wanted to say that all my sympathies are with you. I hope te old adage about time being a healer is true.

My visit to the westcountry was really good. I am much refreshed. It gave me distance from the day to day things at home, and I spent time with my Mother and met up with my brothers.
Over the week I showed my Mum the usual family photos on the laptop for the last few months. That was helpful because it took me through the bitter-sweet thing of good memories and our little girl's absence, right here and now, when a photo stimulated discussion.
I think I will have a go at doing some DIY this week. 🙂

Thigs are going well at the moment.
A few days ago I had periods when I was very tearful whenever I thought of our little girl (and then okay a few hours later).
I had been rushing ahead and trying to arrange a Memorial service, but a couple of days ago I realised that I am not ready for that and need to allow more time to pass.
Today's been very busy and rather uplifting (getting fresh air with our little one, freecycling some garden shrubs, doing diy, and shooting aliens on the Xbox 360 an hour ago).
Until today I felt like I was in limbo. Numb to little details around me - they seem so insignificant. Anyway, that's why today has been such a contrast. I actually enjoyed diy today (with a couple of welcomed interruptions in the garden).
Last week I listened to a Norah Jones CD our little girl liked. It gave me a great sense of warmth by beign able to enjoy something that I strongly associate with her.
I am finding it difficult that I can't specifically recall instances when I held her before she was ill and in hospital. I know I was regularly holding her in my arms but simply can't visualise how it was. I find that the difficult images, of her being in hospital, are the ones that are very distinct and fresh. Whilst I can rationalise why this is, I have times when I really try hard to pull the pre-hospital images up - unsuccessfully. Photos and videos help to make up for this.

Mr Orange,i've just seen this post and my thoughts go out to you. I've only lost my parents-both before I was 30,so quite unexpected. To lose any loved one when it's not there time is hard,but to lose your little girl chokes me up mate.

Anyway I just wanted to let you know I think that your a brave man to be able to come on here and say how you feel,it must be hard for you to do.

Dazzy.

Thanks. Yes it can be hard at times (and thats when I stay away from the keyboard). Time definitely helps in some sense.
I hope that it will be helpful to others reading (either now or in the future).
I've just had another very good day comprising of DIY, gardening and toddler chasing. A very nice mix.

I am rather conscious that this is NOT the place for a blog, so apologise if it is starting to become that... but that's not my intention.

I have found it difficult to share my thoughts/feelings around the loss of our little girl lately. I have been able to chat from time to time with my wife (strangely enough I usually wait until the next day when the strong emotions have ebbed somewhat and can therefore safely speak them out.

I guess things have built up over the weeks. And in the last days I have most definitely NOT been able to contain tears when the emotion inside me became more than I could hold in (crying just by the mention of her name). Have been conscious of certain dates being important: the date she went into hospital; the date she died; the date of her birthday (she would have been 2 and xxx months today, etc)
Yesterday there was a very striking point which I think brought much release/relief some hours after the event. I can't remember what I was doing but in the morning I became very aware that 'our little girl was dead'. There was a lot of finality in the thought and I was very upset at the time.

I have a sense of 'being in limbo' but over the last weeks have completely decorated 2 rooms (partially using it as a way of 'running away' by keeping myself busy).
I am finding that I am able to keep doing things outside of our home (walking into town, going to toddler groups, meeting friends every one or two weeks) and that helps.

Things are by no means depressing. I almost wetted myself the other day when playing cards with some friends - the banter and imagery was hilarous.

/orange

Hi Mr O

I cannot imagine the grief you are encountering and I like everyone else would like to offer my condolences.

In terms of turning this into a blog i think you are being very open and honest with us and it is sometimes easier to write things down in order to deal with the grief. There are many dads out there who are touched by your honesty and indeed bravery, I for one could not imagine what I would do in the same situation.

We all take too many things for granted and this thread certainly has helped me put my "Problems" into perspective.

Thank you and keep posting

Mario

I agree. I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling (the closest I can imagine is when my father died, but even that, I think, doesn't come close). Your postings are extremely moving, and I certainly hope that in posting here, you are gaining some comfort.

Thanks for your posts!! Yes, it is helpful posting here. I believe, in part, it assists my grieving to proceed.

Today seems to have been rather emotional. Firstly thinking about my LO, but this moved me to enjoy listening to her favourite music as I walked into town to get milk. I have what I can only express as an inner desire to go off and see her (which is not very practical in reality), but the need is still there.
Two hours later, when leaving the local mini supermarket, I chatted with the charity person promoting their charity. It struck me that I am also grappling with the reality that my Mother's health has dipped this year (she had help from a nurse from this very charity).
I think the above 'moving on' today has been assisted by sharing here, and therefore acknowledging, thoughts going on inside me.
Having said that, it hurts today and I expect to find it useful when I meet with my cousellor next week... [ooh, is that the correct spelling, or have I just planned a meeting with my MP]

I will now go shoot some Xbox360 and get on with other stuff as the day goes on.

Hi MrO

I think it's great that you are able to express yourself through your postings - and I agree with actd that they are very moving. I'm sorry that your mother's health has deteriorated, it's something else for you to contend with on top of everything else. You mention that you are seeing a counsellor next week - is this from a bereavement charity? It's a positive step and I hope it goes well for you.

Take care

Regards

Yes, its through the children's hospice which she had been receiving regular respite from us (because she had life limiting conditions).
The hospice gives families, siblings, parents, carers access to counselling. In the case of berevement they can provide counselling support for a couple of years after the child's death.
My Mum had a lump removed in '95 and there was some secondary cancer in 2004. Recently getting diabetes, and associated drugs, has given her a few hospital trips to get rid of giddiness, pain etc. Most of all its her reduced confidence to go out which has had the biggest impact on her. But in this last fortnight she has had a good appetite and been for visits with my brother to a brass band, a supermarked and shops down the road. I find it difficult that I am some 2 hour drive away from her so have to settle for phoning her and relying on my brothers (and they are both very good).
Its been 4 weeks since I've met up with my counsellor and am aware of things building up inside. Some get expressed, some don't.
{gunna stop sharing now - need to lighten the mood}
(I have now reconnected my hifi since moving all my 'junk' into what is now my room - Currently playing Keene: Hopes and Fears - I guess the title is rather appropriate).
PS. I use the term HiFi rather loosely. More like vintage bits and pieces. I like the amp (it has the words "solid state" on it so it must be good), and some nice Castle speakers.

Long time since i've posted an update....Generally things are a bit easier than a couple of months ago.
Recently it was our little girl's birthday - she would have been 3. It was harder a few days before her birthday. I eased this over the days by: using a 2nd birthday photo as my desktop background; listening to some of her favourite music; by putting her sparkley hat on the Christmas tree. On her birthday I just kept busy in the morning as a way to 'hide' and then in the afernoon I made scones for the first time with our toddler which had a very positive spin on it - flour everywhere and lots of fun. When I saw her 2nd birthday photo it struck me with the finality that she wouldn't have a 3rd birthday. This might seem a bit obvious from the outside but I guess it was just another degree of acceptance I was able to face. Very sad thought all the same and still when i get to think about it.

Christmas is another thing to work through. I chose to put the Christmas tree up without lights to keep things safe with our toddler. But even this was difficult because it was specifically the bright lights that she enjoyed throughout Christmas. I think my wife is finding preparation for Christmas more difficult than I am.

I've been reflecting a little about the past year and looking forward to next year and trying to shape things to aim for in 2010. There are a few things that I have on my list which I will be doing with our little girl in mind - things that we just kept putting off or not bothering to do.

I somewhat know how does it feel to lose someone so important to you..

It really hurts so much and it took so much time to recover from that loss.

God bless you in your tough times,i haven't been so unlucky to lose a child,but i lost my brother 2 years ago and it is still raw.Everyone deals with the loss in different ways and take different lengths of ime to recover .wish u luck,Ray