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Needed to start a new thread as was highjacking another.
So here's my story.
I split up with my wife about 6 months ago. Just lost all feeling towards her and no matter what we tried they never returned so it was time to call it a day.
However the love I have for my two kids (12 and 2) is unbelievably strong.
I have them every Sunday and alternating between them. As its not easy to do things with them both being different ages. And due to working on a farm in 6 days a week with early starts and never an exact finish time.
Things have been a rollercoaster with the ex and it can make it very hard. The 12 yr old now says he wasn't nothing to do with me and has sent some very upsetting messages to me. I still don't believe its actually him saying them but rather other people putting words into his head.
The problem always starts when I have to return them to there mother. After I've dropped then off a huge feeling that something is missing hits me. And God does it hit me hard.
And always ends up with drinking to numb it and passing out so the whole evening just goes and I can get back to the distraction that is work. But even then the ex can send me messages and some can get horrible and maker me feel like absolute [censored].
It all started to get too much and I was seriously contemplating ending my life. Even to the point of planning it out. All I saw was how everything I done I would hurt someone.
It still hurts Everytime I drop them off and leave. Aand my battle has only just begun as haven't start divorce proceedings yet and she is going to push for contact orders. This I know will be hard to sort out as I work on the farm and my accommodation comes with my job.
So it's not easy asking for certain days and time off as it always changes and allwayys depends on how busy work is. It's not a normal 9-5 I could start at 6am and not finish until late into the evening.
And as with any job I start missing days or going early I'm petrified of losing my job as would also then lose my home. And be on the street. As with any employer especially farm work you are very easily replaced.
I don't think it would come to that as my employer knows about the separation but how far can it go before he would get fed up with it and start looking into ways to get rid of me.
My new gf however is amazing and is always there to listen to me if I'm having problems but I'm not always with her and to be honest I feel it's my issues to deal with as they are my kids and my ex.
I just find that after spending time with them knowing they will be going back to her at the end of it and I will be leaving them rips me to pieces.
Especially after my son sent me messages. There is a lot of history with my kids.
I had to perform cpr on my boy when he was a month old and keep him alive until ambulance crews arrived and my daughter was very premature andd I spent every second with her in hospital that I could.
I just feel useless, helpless and that I'm hurting everyone I come in contact with all the time.
Someone always gets hurt.
Hi Rich, you are right, someone always ends up hurt, but make sure it is not the kids.
Do you have any sort of contact order in place at the moment? If you dont, and your ex raises any concerns, cafcass will get involved and no doubt speak with your children and they will tell them themselves if they do not want to see you again. i would hope you and your ex could come up with an amicable decision? If not. it will have to go via mediation or the courts.
You have a new partner and family who no doubt still love you and will help you. This forum is great for letting off steam too. So come on anytime to rant. I have been where you are, thinking of ending it all or giving up. But just think about your children and your family and friends, it will destroy them if you were to do anything to yourself. There is n shame is asking for help or crying to anyone, just dont do it alone.
I've tried my hardest to not let the kids bbe hurt by it all. But when I left the first thing my ex done was bring my son into the room and simply just sat there and said to him "dad's leaving us to go find a new family" no word of a lie thhaats exactly what came out of her mouth.
Not the sort of thing you say to an 11 year old at the time. Jesus didn't even give me time to talk to him. And when I tried I couldnt. He refused to talk to me or even acknowledge I was there. And ever since every argument I have with the ex shortly after I get messages from him and it's about the arguments I've just had.
I'm not saying she is sending these instead of him. Or going to him slagging me off as I'm not there so don't know. But she is doing something.
hi rich,
is it possible at all to look for another job nearby, something which does not use up so many hours and not so demanding? some fathers made big sacrifices to be with their children, from giving up full-time work, to moving up the road from the ex.
There is no other jobs. Nonee that pay what I earn. Money is the route of all evil. And in my case it is.
House is attached to job. So another job means finding a house somewhere. Good luck.
And a drop in pay and hours means I wouldn't be able to afford to live. I've looked into this already. And no jobs going. Once a farmer always a farmer.
Been to see them tonight after work. My son didn't say anything to me and didn't even acknowledge I was there.
Ever just think to yourself what's the point. They are getting along just fine without you and are you actually doing anything worth while dropping in and out to see them or taking them out..
The point is that he knows you are going, and eventually, that will begin to sink in that you are doing so for a reason. If you stop going, you ex is going to hammer it home that you have abandoned him. SO it might seem that there is no point in going, it's a long term plan and once the first glimmer of recognition is there, it will get better.
Thanks. But that has already happened. It has been hammered into home by people that I haavee abandoned him to go live with a new family....
I mean some of the messages I have received from him are just not right. I couldn't post them on here for the foul language and things he has called me.
I just hope to God he sees the reasons soon, I fear I will lose him forever. If I haven't already.
The only hope I have is at least my daughter is too young to realise what's actually going on yet. But then even she has stopped running up to me shouting dad. And it's breaking me down so much.
Do you have your son on his own one sunday and then your daughter the following sunday on her own?
I used to. But he doesn't want to any more. His choice not mine. And I can't force him to come out with me. I try and just keep trying. But it's getting to the point where I'm just tired of trying.
am I right in thinking you only see your son once every 2 weeks at moment
Sort of. I see him whenevere I'm there seeing them both or taking my daughter out/picking her up. But he blanks me. He is 12 so can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. And I don't want to put pressure on him to. As that will not help at all.
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