[Solved] Brand new Dad in need of advice

HI Nickhappychef,

What you are describing is very common. I am very laid back and relaxed and so for me it was the opposite. It was my wife who experienced the frustration and I was the one who could settle our daughter down. There were times she would wake me up in tears and the frustration and anxiety could be heard in her voice.

Some babies do cry a lot and as parents we are expected to know what to do. As long as there is not a physical or medical reason for the child crying it is not causing any harm to the child. So don't be afraid to take some time out, grab a hot drink and try to relax. One thing I used to do was to settle our daughter on my chest and read to her, yes even at this age.

This may last a few months but will feel like a lifetime. No it won't have a long term effect on your relationship with your son. Trust me a lot more can go wrong and the relationship can still be recovered. My daughter has some real horrible memories of me from when she was about 10. I have started a blog about my experiences of being a dad in the blog section of the forum - Where did it all go wrong. I had planned to leave this section our lives together, but will do this at the weekend,

Part of the problem I suspect is the behaviour is becoming cyclical, meaning you are building a series of experiences which for you is not pleasant and so even before your 'shift' begins you are beginning to tense up and expecting the worst. So even before it begins you are in the wrong state of mind and need to find a way to break the cycle. If reading is not your thing try playing music and gently singing to your son. Make sure the lights are out and the tv is off so there are not too many distractions and things which would keep your son awake.

One thing which always concerns me when I see/hear people in your position is that a mere moment of lapse of judgement is the difference between a frustrated and uptight parent with a crying child and an incident where a parent may hurt their child unintentionally. So if the thought of shaking your child or putting them down roughly then put them down gently where they would be safe and walk away for a while. Have a drink - not alcohol! and give yourself a chance to calm down. I am not saying you would harm your son, but don't underestimate the effects of the frustration and anxiety over a long period.

Sorry I need to get ready and go to work but will try to add some more tonight.

Hi OddFather

Thank you for your advice!

I have tried several methods of calming him including reading, talking, cooing, singing etc but I feel as though the tension in my arms and voice is the problem and that he senses that and can't relax. I absolutely agree that this is becoming a negative cycle and as you say as hard as I try to go in to each night with a positive outlook as soon as things start to turn bad I have a 'oh no here we go again' feeling that is extremely counter-productive.

The thing that worries me the most is that every morning when I get in to work I look back on the events of the previous night and feel extremely guilty and ashamed. To me this is an indication that whilst I'm fully aware of my situation and how the problem is entirely my behaviour when it comes to the night again I react in the same way. It's as though no matter how I rationalise and objectify the situation I can't control my reaction when in the moment itself.

I have never shaken my son and feel certain I never would but I think it would be fair to say I am definitely less gentle with him in these situations. Again, not only does this bring me great shame and guilt but on a practical level it can only possibly make the situation worse. I'm normally a very rational and measured guy so this self-destructive behaviour is quite out of character. I feel like I'm going mad!

Again, thank you for taking time to comment. I don't want to discuss this with my wife as I need her to trust that I am coping when she's not around so I truly appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Nick

I think most parents, mothers and fathers alike have felt like this from time to time, it's certainly nothing out of the ordinary. A new baby is a huge adjustment and these nights of unsettled sleep become less and less.

Keep posting and we will do what we can to support you.

Hi Yoda

Thanks it's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone in worrying about this. My wife seems to have taken to it like a duck to water which I have selfishly found quite difficult to come to terms with.

Having read through some of the other forum posts I feel like my concerns might come across as being relatively trivial (new born baby's cry - get over it!), I just never thought I'd find it this difficult to adjust.

I've found my mood fluctuating over the past few weeks and after a particularly low ebb last night posting the original post tonight I'm feeling much more positive and have a seemingly happy and sleeping baby in my arms 🙂

Thanks again for your advice, I have found dad.info a very valuable resource and will definitely be an active user from now on.

Nick

Hi Nick,

One thing I had to learn quickly was to let go of the guilt. Parents are human beings like anyone else. We are not superhuman beings and so subject to all the frailties. A common misconception is that parenting is a natural instinct, its not! It is something we learn either from our own parents or from other parents we have met or around us. Or through parenting classes in some cases.

I had an issue with my own dad as a father, as a grandfather I could not wish for more out of him. The only time I have ever felt sorry for him was when we were chatting one day and he confessed that he was jealous of my relationship with my daughter. I mention this to point out that the idea of fathers having a greater involvement with their children is a relatively new one. For many of his generation fatherhood was more a hands off thing except for discipline. Even today with two parents working I am amazed how often it is left for the woman to deal with most things.

Have you considered asking the health visitor? You don't necessarily have to say how bad it is if you are concerned about your wife knowing, just mention you have problems settling him down and get a little anxious about it as you don't know if you are doing something wrong.

I remember taking our daughter to meet her great grandmother. We came back and our daughter was on the floor gurgling and having the time of her life. It seemed she had used a method she had used on my dad and uncles when they were little. I was not amused to find out that the secret ingredient was a bit of brandy mixed in her feed. Something we didn't copy, but shows how far parenting has come along.. A quick tip for later when he begins to teeth, an old and tested remedy is Parsons Teething Powder, again another piece of advice from my grandmother which saved our sanity during this difficult period.

Sorry, diverting a little there.

In the case of my daughter a few things added to the problem, and I even went to my doctor because I was genuinely afraid that I could potentially hurt her seriously. Sadly all the doctor said was because I was aware of it I was unlikely to hurt her - absolutely no help at all. A couple of things happened which created a situation where I honestly believed she would have been better off if I just left and got out of her life altogether.. I was at the lowest point of my life, and this is from someone who had tried to commit suicide the first time when I was 12. I was ridden with guilt and felt a complete and utter failure as a person, as a man and especially as a father. The night I decided I would quietly slip away and leave them in peace I went into my daughters bedroom and watched her sleeping. I remembered when she was so little and perfect I could hold her in one arm with her head resting on my hand. I remembered when she was three 'reading ' in a library and how proud I felt of her, and the many other occasions I felt so proud. Like the day I got her full indignation when I asked if the other children would stop bullying her if she stopped playing with her friend and was told under no uncertain terms no one tells her who she could or could not play with. I remembered what we had just learned about her experiences at school, truly a living nightmare and the fact that I was adding to it.

In that last moment I realised that each day she got up and walked happily back into [censored], the time, songs and stories we shared as she hid what was truly going on. It was then I realised she deserved far more from her father than taking the cowards way out and leaving. It was then I realised she deserved more than a parent, but a father and it was time to man up. I left the room and unpacked my bags. It wasn't easy as I needed to change my mind set and find different ways of dealing with things. I became her father and biggest advocate. It took a long time to mend the damage I did, a lot longer than it took to do it. But in the end it was worth the effort and I could not wish for a better relationship with her then I enjoy now. She has a very good memory and remembers those times very clearly She also remembers that I changed and was one the one person she could depend on.

So trust me when I say you won't spoil your relationship with your son by what is happening now, and if the worst comes to the worst if you just grit your teeth and see your way through this things will improve, it doesn't last long. Drop the guilt, it will be a ton weight on your shoulders you don't need and will drag you down as much the experience itself. If you have to hold onto the guilt use it to take each night one step at a time. After all does your son deserve any less of his father than my daughter?

One thing I do want you to take to heart is you are not a bad father, far from it. Hopefully you will find a way to deal with it much better.

Hello NickHappyChef,

I think you are piling so much pressure on yourself by feeling guilty, ashamed etc. when you shouldn't and I think your expectations of yourself are too high to the extent you are making yourself so miserable and worrying about unnecessary things e.g. quote, " ... worry that my son will start associating me with feeling scared /nervous / tense ...".

Babies cry and when they do it is necessary to check four things, first check if his nappy needs changing, second is he hungry, third is he in pain, has he got wind / colic, fourth is he too hot or cold ? If none of these apply I would put him in his cot and let him cry, they usually get tired of crying and go to sleep. Try this for one week. Take the pressure off yourself.

Babies learn from a few weeks old how to get the attention they want and it isn't always a good thing to give in to it. A healthy cry aids development of the respiratory system and vocal chords.

Please try to stop worrying so much.

OddFather

I'm really glad you found your way out of a obviously dark situation - You should be very proud.

It sounds like your relationship with your daughter has blossomed since you learned to forgive yourself as it allowed you to focus on her rather than yourself which is something I guess a lot of people would benefit from in many situations.

Thanks again for your help and advice

Hi MotherofaFather

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

I agree that sometimes if all else fails allowing baby to cry it out often feels like a far better solution than unsuccessfully trying to comfort him resulting in both of us getting wound up. The problem with this in my particular situation is that my wife is trying to sleep upstairs at this time (which also adds to my stress when he won't stop screaming) but maybe we need to adjust our current schedule to find a solution to this.

I also agree that I might be putting too much pressure on myself as I've been determined from the outset to be as involved in baby's life as my wife. I'm learning though that circumstances out of my control - basically me being out at work 8 hours a day - mean that she is developing a better routine with him, learning his cues etc quicker than I am. For example when she gleefully tells me all the things he's smiled at that day I feel gutted as all I seem to get is tears and tantrums but I have to come to terms with the fact that this is probably inevitable to a degree.

My wife keeps telling me I should take it easy on myself as unfortunately the only time I get to spend with him is the dud shift (8pm - 2am) when newborns tend to be at their most irritable.

I'm definitely going to have a conversation about the whole letting him cry it out thing because unfortunately I can't seem to keep a lid on my frustration (if I was completely honest with myself I'd call it anger) with him when he's crying at night and this is what worries me the most.

Thanks again for the advice

Hello NHC,

It is to your credit you admit to being frustrated and quote, "if I was honest with myself I'd call it anger." Acknowledging this you can do something about it. When you feel your anger appear put him in his cot and go into another room and make a cup of tea, the baby will come to no harm being left for a short while.

You do not, because of work, spend as much time with your son as your wife. This is not to the detriment of your baby or the bond you will create with him. In reality we cannot spend 24 hours a day with a baby / child and we all miss some new thing they do.

A further thing to bear in mind is that the creation of a bond between parent and child varies considerably, for some it is instant, for others it can take weeks or even a few months. Let what is natural be your guide and refrain from adding pressure on yourself and feeling guilty. Do not have too many expectations of the baby or yourself. You will be pleasantly surprised how quickly things can improve.

Looking at the practicalities of your wife working and the need to sleep, is it possible she can extend her maternity leave which would then take the pressure off you in the evenings?

You are not alone most of us have been where you are now.

I'm definitely going to try putting him down when it all gets too much. I hope that removing myself from the situation for 2 minutes will allow me to calm down which should in turn make me better equipped to calm him. Will try tonight and let you know the outcome!

To clarify, my wife is on maternity and will be for a year. When I say shifts I mean shifts looking after the baby. She goes to bed early and I stay downstairs with him then I take him up to her at 2am and go to bed in the spare room. We do this so at a bare minimum we both get a solid chunk of sleep. Unfortunately for me the time I have with him he tends to be awake and ratty for almost all of it whereas by the time her shift starts he's asleep for the night (feeding every few hours).

Thanks once again for taking the time out to comment, I'm finding it really useful as it's not really something I want to openly discuss with anyone who knows me.

N

HI There,
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I can understand where you are, I did have a similar time when my son was quite young, he wouldn't settle in his cot and would just cry until he was picked up, and then once asleep I'd put him back in the cot and he would instantly wake and cry. It's natural for it to get too you and your son will be picking up on your tension which will make it harder for him to settle.
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In the end for me leaving my son to cry while I stayed in the next room he started to settle a lot quicker where as it would be hours for me to settle him, by leaving him to cry on his own he soon realised that I wasn't going in and he would settle and sleep, this was at around 3 months old, but even at that age I feel he realised that I wasn't going back in.
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This isn't as easy in your situation as you want your partner to be able to sleep, but as I think has already been said, if you leave your son in the room and allow him to settle without fussing you may find he calms down quicker.
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GTTS