[Solved] Where to start I'm lost.

Hi There,
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Things must be very raw for you at the moment as everything has just happened, personally I would give it a week or so to settle and then start looking at the next steps.
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If you partner/ex partner is ok and on speaking terms then just discuss things with her, if she isn't then mediation should help to be able to keep things calm whilst talking things through and hopefully you could reach an agreement without court.
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If you can't then you can apply to the courts for a residency order for your daughter, so that she officially lives with you, you can include a schedule of when she will see her mum, If you daughters age is in double fugures then what she wants will come into it, so if she is asking to live with you then that will carry some wieght if you end up in court.
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Good luck and ask anything you need to know and we will try and help you.
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GTTS

Hi there

This must be very hard for you, I'm sure you and your daughter are in a state of shock about it all.

Were arrangements for you daughter discussed before she left? As GTTS says, depending on her age, her wishes and feelings will carry more weight.

If you're worried that your ex will try to remove her then the only option you have is an emergency application to court for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent that from happening and an order that she lives with you.

If this isn't a worry for you and you feel sure that she wouldn't do that then as GTTS says, you might like to consider mediation to try and get some defined arrangements in place.

Right now I think it's important to give your daughter lots of reassurance, it might be a good idea to contact her school and let them know what has happened, she may be hiding her distress from you so as not to upset you further. The school can offer her some pastoral care, which provides her with someone to talk to about how she's feeling and to give her extra support.

If child benefit is in your exs name you will need to contact them to get it transferred, likewise working tax credits.

It's understandable that your daughter is angry at the moment, it's still so fresh, give her time and she will come round...she just needs lots of reassurance and understanding right now.

You must also look after yourself, look after the basics such as eating and sleeping and be kind to yourself. We are here to talk and to support you as much as we can.

All the best

Thanks for the advice, we are on speaking terms ATM but things have only just happened she is in the honeymoon period of the relationship with the other man and has probably been blinded by him and is currently excited and not thinking straight as it's all new. As time goes on and she becomes more invested in this man things could well change, but I don't want to start using courts or anything like that unless I really have to as that could strain things and create tension, I'm sure she still has feelings for me but over time that will change the more I am absent and then it could well change her mind about everything.

If you don't want to use the courts, then make sure your daughter has a very active social life - that way a court will be reluctant to change where she's living if your ex suddenly decides she wants your daughter living with her. It's worth knowing about prohibited steps order, and how to apply for one at short notice in case your ex announces she is taking your daughter to live with her.

Make sure your bank accounts etc are separated and that she can't do anything in your name - at the moment, she sounds like she won't but that has been known to change.

Hey, I know exactly what you are going through. My ex left me and our two kids to have an affiar with my brother. I will tell you what I did and how I coped, not saying that it is the right thing to do for you, but it got me through it.
Firstly she has left you and your daughter, as I was informed at the time this happened to me, this means that you immediately have custody by default. You are the parent in charge.
The most important thing to do (imo) is to put any notion of vengeance and game playing aside and look at what is most important, your daughter, and focus on what is important to her. Be polite about her mother to her, don't add to her hurt by putting yours on her aswell. Don't pretend what her mother did was right, but keep it simple and explain what happened in a child-friendly manner (if you have to).
As soon as I decided to focus purely on my children's needs it got easier, I only responded to messages/calls that related to the children, I ignored the abusive ones.
If you are having contact with your ex KEEP A RECORD OF EVERYTHING, dates, texts, calls etc This was invaluable for me when (after about a year) I recieved a solicitors letter stating that she was applying for custody.

As I was told by my solicitor at the time, the moment she walked out the door leaving you and the kids she left you as the parent with custody. If she wants more control or full custody she is going to have to prove why you shouldn't have it.

Get advice from a solicitor (they ussually do an initial consultation free of charge).

Not sure if any of my rambling helped... :/

Just an update things have indeed changed my daughter still wants to remain with me which I'm very happy about as she is my world.

Other issues are now coming to light originally it was agreed I would take the mortgage debt on myself and she would sign her name off the deed willingly now since she resigned her job to move in with this man she has been phoning moaning about having no money and wanting a payout otherwise she now refuses to come off the deed as she originally promised. She is contributing nothing to the house bills or maintenance and not a penny to our daughter either since she's left. If this goes to any sort of mediation etc would she simply get 50% of the house or would other factors effect her possible payout? As a 50% take would put myself and daughter out of the house as mortgage would be to big for me alone.

Also a dispute over clothes has emerged on several occasions she told me to take them to charity which eventually I did as looking at them was a reminder and hurting me but she is now saying she never told me to do that.

Hi There,
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Was the telling of taking clothes to charity verbal of in txt/email, if txt/email, there is no issue as you have proof if it was verbal, then, it is simply your word against hers and I can't see it becoming a huge issue, the judge should look at it as she should have removed them any way.
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In respect of the house, she shouldn't be entitled to 50/50 as she has moved out and you are caring for your daughter, she would be looking at a lower percentage, a fair way would be 60/40 in your favour but you can negotiate that and meybe get her down to just 30% leaving you 70%.
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GTTS

Unfortunately not it was all verbal over clothes she took quite a lot but said on several occasions to donate the rest so I did as it was to painful to look at them as a constant reminder of what she's done to both so us.

I hope your right in regards to property as if it's to big it will put us out the house, money comes and goes but my concern is my daughter she comes first and luckily for her atleast one of her parents feels very strongly about that and it's so upsetting for her and it shows as her behaviour and attitude has changed somewhat but I don't want her to move schools lose friends etc as that would upset her education and she is in the top ten of her entire year of over 200 children.

This whole thing is just so upsetting for me to witness and the fact her mother could just abandon her like that is going to mark her for years to come.

HI There,
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With you there to support your daughter she will I'm sure grow and continue to do well at school.
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It's a common understanding that the parent with the child living with them would take the lions share of the equity and if this were to go to court a judge would most likely rule that way, so you should expect to keep at least 60% of the equity, and that would be the minimum that I would be looking to accept from the final settlement if it were me in your situation.
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Good luck and keep us posted.
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GTTS

It's worth getting legal advice on this as with a large amount of equity, a few percent can make a big difference. It would be worth checking if you can keep the house until your daughter reaches 18, at which point her equity is released either by buying her out, or selling the house. It would depend on whether she could reasonably afford to live if that was the case.

Also from research been doing this seems to have major impact on things house is in joint names and mortgage and we were never married worried she could own 50% and royally mess us up financially. Seeking legal advice but other opinions are very welcome and appreciated.

Also the day she left I recorded her admitting she had contributed nothing towards the house financially while she was unemployed and also her stating her name and forfeiting any claim on the house but I suppose a recording like that would be useless?