[Solved] Where do I turn?

Hi there,

It seems your ex is trying to use money as a way for you too see your child, you have a right too see both your children in the same way they have a right to see you.

I have given similar advice to another member today so have cust and pasted it below.

I would recomend sending a letter to her recorded delivery telling her that you intend to pursue seeing your children and that you would like to discuss arrangements for this through mediation, by the sounds of it she probably won't attend but by asking her to you are showing that you want to be reasonable in sorting your issues to enable you to see your children, within the letter let her know that you are aware of how the proccess works and will if needed apply to the family court for a contact order to be placed, ensure this doesn't come accross as a threat but just that you are letting her know you will follow this through.

I would have a read of yoji's guide at the top of the legal section for apply for and representing your self in court.

Hope this helps

Thank you for this.....it is a way to go thatI have not thought of. Although - I fear things will have to get worse before they get better. do you know whether the CSA would take into account the £150 loan repayment for the kitchen as part of my payments or am I still expected to give more? Because I just do not have it 🙁

as far as I know the csa will take 15% of your take home pay and deduct money for number of nights your children stay over night with you if this is more than 52 nights in 12 months

They won't look at other expenses.

Hi

I'll add a bit to Darren's reply - I'm not 100% sure, but I think the CSA may make an allowance for debts that were accrued during the marriage, I can't recall how this works out - I'd have a word with the CSA. However, when you say that you are paying £150 per month to her for the loan, whose name is the loan in?

Make sure you keep all correspondence, transcribe all texts letter for letter (it's too easy to wipe them by accident) including date and time as this will all be useful if it goes to court, and above all, when you write/text/speak to your ex, think about how it would sound if it came before a court - if you don't think it would look goodm, then don't say it. A lot of dads have been to court (including me) and the ex has dug herself a nice hole and the ex has had nothing at all she can (truthfully) use.

Also, if you are going to reply to texts, thinking about the response not only means that you are les likely to say something you'll regret, it also means you are replying when it's convenient to you, and not to your ex - that gives you a lot of control back.

The loan was in my name as I was the one who worked. She was not able to get one but wanted a new kitchen. So I pay money to her each month by cheque & I pay an additional £150 per month to the bank where I took out the loan, I have been paying it for approx 8 yrs now & have about another 18mths of payments to make. YET I do not see any benefit of me having it as she remained in the house with the new kitchen. I have been keeping all the text where I have asked about her encouraging me to see them more rather than poisoning their minds against me. As for seeing them over night- it is highly irregular that I do- UNLESS she has something planned for herself & then its only my youngest child i get to see. She is very clever & is doing it so that she can get as much out of me as possible. & still she asks for more. She has already had the CSA send a letter out to me- but then called them off- I am sure she is going to do it again soon. I have worked out that I currently pay her £200 a month for the 3 children (chq). £150 for the loan. My eldest is over 18 (adopted as a baby) now & I haven't seen him for over 18mths- apparently he is attending college on a part time course......Does he have to be in full time education or any education to still have maintainence paid for him? ANYONE HELP ME WITH THIS??? Had no responses 🙁

Hi

I'll ask the CMO is they can give any advice on this, so keep checking back.

hi, I'm Sarah, a consultant at Child Maintenance Options.

Under certain circumstances, some types of debt can be taken into account by the CSA. However, as not all types of debt can be considered you would need to ask the CSA to check if your debt meets the criteria.

Regarding your son's education - child maintenance is payable until he reaches 19 if he is full-time education (not higher than A-level equivalent) and/or Child Benefit is still being paid for him.

Having said all this, I would urge you to try and sort things out amicably with your ex-partner and continue with your family-based arrangement (without the involvement of the CSA or the courts). This type of arrangement is usually the best option for everyone involved.

I understand it can sometimes be really hard to talk about money, but there is help available from the Child Maintenance Options Service. You can find tips and support at www.cmoptions.org, or you can speak to someone in confidence by calling 0800 988 0988.

I hope this information helps.

Sarah

Thanks for all the advice/information. but i now have another dilemma.

I have been seeing my partner for a long time now and the time has come to think about taking the step of moving in together. However my partner lives miles away and it isn't possible either practically or financially to continue seeing my son on the twice weekly basis that i do now. I have spoken to my ex about it and she is fine with my suggestion for new visiting arrrangements which enable to me to see my son on a fortnightly basis but for a longer period. My main concern is that i want my son to be part of my new life but my ex is still determined that he is not allowed to meet my new partner, saying that "he doesn't need a new family"!. Therefor not allowing him to come visit me at my partners home or come to stay the weekends etc... my son is quite happy with the idea of meeting my partner and its just his mother that is putting the block on it for her own reasons. I am wondering if i end up going down the road of seeking a legal court visiting order would that allow me to take him to meet my partner etc without my ex's permission? Or is there any other way that i can try and force the issue without her turning round and trying to cause problems by not letting me see him at all etc? .. any advice please ?

Hi Clements

I'm Sarah the Child Maintenance Options Consultant.

The best people to speak to about contact issues are the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS). You can call them on 0844 353 3350 or visit their website http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/default.aspx.

You may also wish to contact Centre for Separated Families ( http://www.familylives.org.uk), Community Legal Advice (0845 345 4345) and Citizens Advice Bureau ( http://www.adviceguide.org.uk).

For more information about child maintenance and to access our useful tools and forms online you can visit http://www.cmoptions.org, or if you'd prefer a confidential chat you could call the Child Maintenance Options team on 0800 988 0988 (free from a landline).

I seem to be going round in circles & getting no further forward. I have contacted Cafcass on 0844 3532940 & spoke to a lady there. She confirmed they cannot do anything without being asked to by the courts...therefore they can provide no assistance to me.
My sons college will not provide me the details of what type of course he is doing & for how many hours & whether he is recieving a bursary as he is over 18 & due to the data pro act I would need his permission to be able to obtain this info. Therefore still paying Child support when I may not be required to.
It seems I am hitting a brick wall at every turn.
Their mother has already poisoned the minds of my eldest two (whom I have not seen now for at least 6mths) I am afraid that when I move to my partners (Lancashire from Yorkshire) she will also poison the mind of my 11yr old & will stop me seeing him even though he wants to keep in contact & to even meet my new partner (of 2 & 1/2 yrs).
I wanted to get things in place before I move incase this happens, but it does not appear that any organisations help.
As for being amicable - I have been amicable throughout. It is only when my ex wife uses the children as weapons or me giving her more money that I tend to stand my ground. We have had no formal agreement regarding care/maintainence as she started divorce proceedings - I was not aware at the time that we/I should have been offered mediation to sort all this- yet I was not- so it seems she is in total control, both then & now 🙁
It all feels hopeless 🙁
Anyone ????