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I am lost with what to do and feeling down about the situation I am in and need to start fighting for me son. Here is some background, I have 9 month old son from dating a girl for a few months. I made myself clear I didn’t want a relationship or a child and was assured she was on the pill and that its not a problem. In a nutshell I have been very naive and now I have 9 month old son to her
During her pregnancy I offered to go to the scans but wasn’t around to help her cope with being pregnant as I felt blackmailed into spending time with her and said I don’t spend time with her whilst in pregnancy she would make access difficult by all ways possible. I started to resent her and felt betrayed so I started to stay clear. I was terrified about becoming a dad but once he was born things changed for me.
For the first 6 months I have provided everything I need for him to stay at mine (as expected) and I now have a spare room he can stay in. I let her and my son stay at mine or I would go to hers to help her out through the nights as the council housed her nearby. I helped learn the basics of caring for my son and started to love him. After a few months she would let me have him over night, during this period I have had 2 different housemates living with me to help me with the rent. After a bumpy ride I felt we were both working towards separate lives and days. However there was so much falling out, she often messed me around with when I could see him, shouted at me, bombarded with txts some abusive, contacted an ex gf andontacted my now current gf, told me who I can and cant be friends with and read through my personal facebook messages. I found her using my son to be obstructive towards my private life. I honestly feel I haven’t allowed myself to get fully attached to being a dad simply because I know how she uses him to control me. Or that’s my interpretation. I have found this girl extremely difficult and although I know its wrong I keep walking away as the conflict is immense. Sometimes she has carried on in front of the baby although as a mum I cant fault her. I have never been abusive, violent and tried to keep my head through all this but have felt like I am loosing it and walked away. I have kept all the texts between us both.
During all this I met my current girlfriend who I am very serious with and is now living with me and since meeting her my sons mum stopped me from having him unless I go and sit at her house with him. She would either go out or sit upstairs out the way. This is stupid to me, I don’t feel comfortable being there at all and it leads to arguments so after a few months of going to hers all the time with nothing changing I told her she needs to start letting me actually spend time with him in my own place on my days off. She refused and keeps saying she is ‘not letting me and my gf play happy familys’ and that he cant come to mine until he is old enough to know who everybody is. I suggested courts and she said she will draw it out as long as possible and fight me every step of the way and that she has been advised not to contact me. During this period she has taken 2 holidays abroad without him leaving him and although she knew I wanted to have him I didn't get a say in it.
I did go to a solicitor for advice but I am slightly beyond the threshold of receiving legal aid. Now 2-3 months have passed by and I haven’t seen him as I started to feel depressed about it all. I know this is wrong and now I am starting to worry by not going down to hers and playing her rules that its going to look bad that I haven’t made an effort. Its never been the being a dad part which is the problem, its the falling out and everything else which seems to come with it. I really dont like conflict
What do I do????? I honestly think mediators wont help as she’s so jaded towards me, I feel like taking her to court but the costs scare me, could I still represent myself? I have the forms downloaded and if I get past the fear of court I could probably try reprent myself however have i left it too late? I hate all this but something needs to be done otherwise I will miss out in being his dad even more. Posting here is the first step in getting the ball rolling, your help would be very much appreciated!e
Hi Dad1234,
And welcome to the forum.
Your right posting here is the first step to getting where you need to be.
What your feeling is normal, I felt the same when I left my ex, I would do everything I could to see my son, but when it was made difficult I'd walk away and loose myself in work or other things to stop me thinking about him, It's really hard to admit that what you are doing isn't the right thing and you've managed to get to that stage which is really good.
The first thing to remember is that it is your son's right to see you and the court won't look kindly to his mum trying to stop you.
Going to court cost around £200 and you can represent yourself, yoji has posted a really good guide to doing this and it isn't as daunting as you would think, the judges are used to people representing them self.
If you haven't already have a read through these guides
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/forum/legal-eagle/10062-contact-order-c100-guide
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/forum/legal-eagle/10255-guide-to-representing-yourself-in-court
Don't get hung up on it being too late, It's never too late no matter what has happened/been said.
Your son's mother also has no say in who you see or where you go while your son is with you, I's not unusual for this sort of thing to happen and again the court don't look at this to be an issue unless there is a valid reason for your son not to spend time with your partner, for example if she were a drug user or was violent. From reading your post you seem to care far to much for your son to even entertain that you would bring him near someone like that so I really wouldn't worry about that either.
You need to start the process for court if that's what you have decided to do, you also need to continue to keep all correspondence that you send or receive as this may get called upon in court.
It may be a good idea to send an email or text message to your ex asking her to attend mediation so your able to show you have thought about this as an option and also tried to set up a meeting.
The first thing the judge will generally do is try to reinstate contact in some way as an interim order. The court process can drag on especially if your ex tries to make it that way, but it does work, I have been going through court since June/July this year and each visit there has been small baby steps, but they have all been forward. There have been visits that left me feeling very deflated, but posting here always helps with that as there is a lot of support from other dads at hand.
You can get through this and the regulars on this site will give you a vast amount of advice and guidance so get the ball rolling and keep coming back here for advice or venting or what ever really.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!!!
Darren
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