[Solved] What is deemed as a reasonable request for contac?

It's tricky answering this as every situation is different, and it's down to the court on the day. I would certainly say that a modest increase in contact is quite reasonable - can't rememer if we've asked this before, is there any chance that mediation could work?

HI DAG

I read your thread thoroughly a couple of days before you were due in court. I was routing for you and really believed it was in the bag so to speak. I was absolutely gutted for you that it went so pear-shaped. I think from the minute you got to court on Wednesday everything was heavily and very unfairly stacked against you. I don't think that any of those 15 minutes your hearing got cut down to should have been spent telling new magistrates the background, surely they should have been up to speed before you went in? Hopefully you'll get a more apt panel at the your final hearing.

Regards reasonable request for contact, why are you now doubting that what you're asking for is reasonable? I'm speaking from a reasonable mother's viewpoint and I can see absolutely no problem with what you asked for. Your ex wife is clearly power crazed and enjoys using your contact with your daughter as a stick to beat you with. Which is unfair on you but more importantly, on your daughter. Are the court not taking into consideration your daughter's feelings? Because I thought that at her age what she wants counts for a lot, if not everything.

If I were you I would stick to what you've asked for. If the court thought what you asked for was too much then cut back by a few days overall but my main advice is if you can, stick by what you've requested.

Best of luck to you.

Teri 🙂

Hi Teri and goonergaj

Thankyou for your support its really uplifting (lump in my throat eyes welling up) to realize that even tho you havent met someone they are thinking of you and hoping for the best for you and your family.
We really thought it was going to get somewhere with having waited and no reply being lodged with the court ( even tho i predicted her solicitor trying something at the last minute).
Really dissappointed with the time being reduced and how it was all handled its left me feeling really wobbley!! :boohoo:
Thats not including how her solicitor makes me feel.
Your comments about reasonable contact are truely welcomed from a mums prespective, my partner is of the same opinion, we have been together 5 years nearly and she has experienced it all with us and it is really wearing us down its really taken it toll emoyionally sometimes.
My partners children have a natural relationship with both their parents with no conditions,court orders etc just mum and dad being both their arranging it between themselves, she is not vindictive or destructive just a great mum and thats just another reason i love her. She also sees the ex in the same light as you but wishes something would click in her head and she just got on with her life and stop using our daughters contact as you put it " a beating stick"!
With regards to my daughters feelings her mum doesnt want to hear it, only in the past few months her mum and grandmother both said they felt like "she was a spy in their house" just because when they asked her if she wanted to see more of me she said YES.
I cant believe no one has spoke to her and got her feelings on this given shes 12. Cafcass never even spoke to her before deciding they didnt need to be involved in my application.
Her mum really wont listen to her with regards anything to do with contact with me, she just gets dissmissed or doesnt say anything at all for fear of upsetting her mum and the subsequent emotoinal punishment. Dont get me wrong she loves her mum and her mum loves her but she knows how her mum operates as i did when we were still together.

Im going to look over all the contact proposals and work through them to see what can be adjusted if need be. But i know i need to stick to my guns generally.

I to have read your posts and many others on here and do think alot about other peoples situations and conscientiously suppoet them im my mind even if i dont voice that.

Thankyou so much again

DAG 🙂

Hi,

There really is no need to thank us for the support, just take it as a given as, unfortunately, we are all on the same rocky road here. And we all hope for the best outcome for each other's plight. I sometimes get a lump in my throat when reading the horrors that a lot of dads are facing and it gets me sooo mad to see how evil (and there is no other word for it sometimes) some mums are. I completely sympathise with and understand your 'wobbly' feeling after all it is totally understandable, you were expecting a whole different turn of events. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and just remember - you're still standing!

I can imagine the emotional toll it's taking on you and your partner, we are near the beginning (well it's been over a year since hubs last saw his son, we're just about to embark on the court action) and it's already taking a toll on me. I'm sure even your partner's children aren't untouched by it all. At least they have two decent parents that can understand what it is to do right by them.

I've said the same thing to my husband re wishing something would just click in his ex's head and she would see the error of her ways but there's just something in women like that, and you just know it's not gonna happen. 🙁 I don't understand why some women can't just get over themselves and even if they don't like their ex, put up with them for the time it takes to do the 'exchange'. Nobody's asking them to be nice (if they don't want to be) just civil. Just to bore you with a little unrelated story but it has the same kind of principle. I've lived in my current home for a little under a year now and when I first moved in I would smile at my next neighbour, she would avert her eyes and pretend she didn't see me (why? it's not like I wanted to be best friends or anything, just being neighbourly). Everytime she sees me now she tries to hide unless she's caught in a situation where she feels she has no choice but to smile or say hello. The short of it is, it would take much less effort for her to say 'hi' than for her to go to the trouble of avoiding me! Likewise in these situations where parents don't get on it's so much simpler to be civil than to create drama and waste time and energy hating.

I too cannot believe that nobody has spoken to your daughter regarding her feelings 😮 how do they justify this? Is there not anyone you can talk to to see where your daughter stands legally on this point? Maybe try CCLC and see what they suggest? I don't know, maybe you have exhausted all avenues already I'm just so frustrated for the pair of you! 'In the child's best interests' are very fast becoming the five most hated words in the English language for me, the bane of my life, why? Because they are bandied around like it's nobody's business and to be honest I think they're used a lot of the time to whomever's agenda they suit best (sometimes not the child), they usually work very well in favour of the resident parent though.

Your ex is bang out of order to lay a guilt trip on your daughter calling her a spy 😡 how dare she and her mother do that!! I think what they're probably doing is projecting as in, because they probably grill your daughter on return from your house they assume you do the same....like you're going to waste the precious time you have with her inquiring about things that probably don't concern you. When are these women (sometimes men too but mostly women) going to learn to grow up and stop putting their bitterness before everything including their childs happiness? :unsure: I'm sure your daughter loves her mum and vice versa that usually is the case but your ex needs to stop emotionally abusing your daughter when it comes to you, put her own feelings aside and start listening. I know this is all easier said than done when emotions are involved but we as adults need to learn to deal with our emotions appropriately and vent them appropriately, and earbashing our children with bad news stories about their other parent is obviously not appropriate - please don't think that was aimed at you I was speaking generically. I believe that mums like your partner and myself are secure enough in the knowledge of the fact that our children love us, maybe this doesn't resonate so well with mums like your ex and they somehow feel they might lose some of their child/children's love - as if it's somehow a competition or game. Not saying they all feel it is a game just that this could be in their psyche and that suggestion is by no means a justification for their actions, merely another way to try to understand why they might display such unreasonable behaviour. In my view, any mother that has been there since the beginning with their child should feel confident enough with the bond they share to let that child grow and create and/or explore relationships with others.

I think you're wise and am glad you want to stick fast to (or not deviate too far from) what you've already asked for. I truly hope you get it.

Keep fighting the good fight. 🙂

Take care and Happy Father's Day.

Teri 🙂