[Solved] Visitation

The same thing is happening with us ours is a 1.45 hr journey each way and we have the same as you , collect at 6pm on Friday and return by 430 pm on Sunday , not allowing for travel . Not good. No leeway and it's all the RP way or nothing .

Vulcanbomber, its just not fair with all the travel I only gert 1 and half daysd a month. I have done this for 6 1/2 yrs. She has to have control, I am going to start saying no, bring them back by 6 and not take any notice of the screaming and texts after. We need time with them too not just her.

I have learnt with the texts she does not have my mobile number, she has the home number and that's it !

Hi both,

Possibly contraversially, my view comes from the other side, in that I am the resident parent, and my ex travels for (she claims) about 5 hours for a maximum 4 hours contact and then another 5 hours back, and has this once a month.

In fact, I suspect her travel time is much closer to 3 hours each way, but because it's inconvenient for her to get up early, she actually only has 3.5 hours contact (sorry if I seem cynical, but if I was in her position, I'd make sure I was there early to get the full 4 hours) and she missed 2 or 3 out of the possible 12 contact visits last year. She did used to have contact twice per month initially, but was missing more than half of the contact visits, so I went back to court to get the order varied so that it was once a month, with reasonable notice to cancel on the basis that it provided more certainty for my daughter. Between contact, my ex barely ever rings or texts my daughter, and if she does, it's not unusual for it to be her complaining about something. I have therefore stuck rigidly to the contact order, and my daughter is quite happy to do so also.

If on the other hand, my ex was reliable, considered my daughter's needs before her own and tried to actually build a proper relationship with her, I'd consider allowing increased contact. So, from my point of view, you are obviously trying to have a better relationship with your sons so I would say that it's perfectly reasonable that your contact should be increased - possibly by extending the Sunday times to beyond 4pm (bearing in mind that it can't be too late during term time) plus additional days for holidays initially, and perhaps extending to 2 weekends per month on some months. I think the first thing you need to try is mediation to see if you can get this extended, but making it clear that if she's not prepared to attend, then you will be looking to go back to court for a variation in the contact order (assuming there is one in place at the moment).

As a matter of information, I used to get offensive texts (and the occasional call) from my ex also, I now have a nice little utility on my phone that hides the texts from me, at the same time replying automatically to her that my phone no longer accepts texts or calls from her. This worked brilliantly, and she stopped sending them at all. As she doesn't have my home number, the only real way she can communicate is through my daughter, which more or less tempers the tone of her messages 🙂

Thanks for taking the time to reply with so much info Actd.

I understand where your coming from but I will give more info for you to see its not like your situation be it the other way around 🙂 )

I left her 6 1/2 yrs ago, we agreed to go for a straight divorce after 2 yrs of separation but that never happened!!!! I met my new wife 4 1/2 yrs ago and ever since the ex has blamed her for our brake up even though we didnt even know each other for 2 yrs after the split. Up until I had been with my new wife a year, I wasnt allowed to have my boys over night as she said she didnt trust me!!! so for 3 yrs I travelled nearly 3 hours (and back) every other weekend and on the weekends I didnt see them she allows me to ring them.

After I had been with my new wife a year (hadnt got married then) we were allowed to have them for one weekend a month. I work so go straight there after work on a Friday.

In 6 1/2 yrs I have had to re-arrange approx 5 times due to car breaking down or being ill. I always let her know in advance if possible but she always makes it very difficult for me to see the boys unless she is happy with it, even when she knows I have plans for those weekends she says they have things on or makes arrangments for those weekends so I dont have them.

She sends the boys down in clothes I call unfit and so we have our own clothes here for them - I have just tackle this and she admitted sending them down in [censored] clothes!!!

My wife is a professional hair stylist, yet she has cut the boys hair herself and I was embarassed when I seen the state of them. She admits she just doesnt want my wife doing it just because she is my wife!!!

The boys love coming down and they tell me all the time, even asking for more time. I was allowed a week last year during the holidays, I have mentioned again i would like this and would want to take them away for a proper holiday for a week but she doesnt want me taking them out of the country, even though they want too!!!

She texts me and says they dont want to come down or they are upset, yet when I get there they run and throw themselves at me and cant wait to get in the car!!! When she knows we are going any where she questions me as to who is going to be there, who the bys are going to be with etc.

I have mentioned mediation before but she wont ...... she see's her opinion as being the only right one. My boys are 8 & (nearly 10) and they have started to stand up to her which has helped but she still has control over the younger one and he wont upset her by not doing what she wants.

She has my mobile as if there is anything wrong with the boys I want her to be able to gert hold of me straight away ...... not that she does!!!

She is Catholic and so in her eyes we should be together and cant move on, even stating to me 2 weeks ago that she has decided that she doesnt like me anymore and doesnt want to be married to me ...............we divorced 3 years ago!!!!

She just likes control and knows I wont argue with her in front of the boys, even though she screams at me if I question anything!!

I am not asking for the world, just a few more hours on the Sunday and to be able to take them away every year. I wonder if I went to court what they would say is reasonable access???? Coz thats all I want.

I am not asking for the world, just a few more hours on the Sunday and to be able to take them away every year. I wonder if I went to court what they would say is reasonable access???? Coz thats all I want.

It doesn't sound like you are asking for the earth.

Personally I agree with actd about discussing mediation with the prospect of going to court if she won't attend. The National Mediation Helpline would be a good place to call and discuss the situation, the number is 0845 603 0809, at the very least you would be able to discuss your hopes and fears with them.

If you do call them please pop back and tell us what they say.

Gooner

Thanks for the number Gooner, I have already asked her to attend and she wont. I think court is the only answer to get proper access, then she cant make arrangements on my weekends and they know when they are seeing me and I know when I am having them.

Does anyone know what is average visitation rights are?

I don't think there is such a thing as average (or if there is, it's not meaningful). If you are going for a contact order, go for as much as you can while remaining reasonable in your expectations - that way you can reduce what you are asking for in court, making you sound reasonable and hopefully getting what you wanted in the first place.

Thanks for the number Gooner, I have already asked her to attend and she wont.

You may find that if she gets an official request from the mediation service to attend she will. Courts tend to send parents to mediation anyway so rather than go through that loop and find yourself back at mediation, it may be worth considering trying mediation first.

If you are able to show the judge that you tried to set up mediation but she refused to attend as well, you'll be showing that you have tried everything conceiveable before going to court.

Did that make sense ? (its been a looooong day) :pinch:

Gooner

This is a great thread and one i am also interested in.

My son is 14 months now and after a very hard 1st year i am finally sepnding some quality time with him. My ex has been a nightmare since day one with access and only allowed me to see him 1 hour a week to begin with, so as soon as i threatened court things changed for the better. I now see my son every wednesday from 12.30-16.30 and every other weekend from 9am Saturday - 4pm Sunday with the one over night stay one my weekend. We have an agreement written and to be reviewed when he is 18months which is not far away now.
I would like more visitation with an overnoght stay each week and to return him on the monday mornings instead of sunday at 4pm.
So Every wed evening till thursday morning and
Every other weekend Sat morning till Monday Morning

He is at nusery so i can pick up and drop off to and from Nursey which is about 20 mins from my house, i have my won business so being late for work is no problem though taking a whole afternoon of every wednesday is losing me alot of money when i already have mortgage/child support etc.
What do you guys think, am a being unreasonable?

Thanks in Adavance