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Had cafcass officer do first home visit this Friday afternoon and I'm extremely upset. I didn't let it show and remembered all the 'rules' when talking to her, even had jokes about things unrelated to the meeting!
I'm guessing it was an initial visit to get to know us and hear the background? The concerns weren't discussed at all. She doesn't seem to be taking anything seriously, her mind set seemed to be completely that we're just two parents who have fallen out and now are fighting about where LO lives - which couldn't be further from the truth! I have been concerned about the welfare for YEARS and this is my last option to try and keep him safe! She kept saying that she wants ex and I to sit down and try and come to some sort of residency agreement and that children will say things to turn parents against each other. She also jumped down my throat when I accidentally said how important 'my weekends' are when he's here - when it was a discussion about ex and myself so yes, I used 'my' to differentiate between when he's here and there! The thing I'm LIVID about is when she asked me why ex and I split up, I went into the brief history and she said "ooh isn't it funny how if you were a woman saying your partner had beaten you then myself and everyone would be jumping up and down about it but because you're a man we're not!" AND LAUGHED WHILE SHE SAID IT! Does she have any idea how embarassing it is to admit that I - a 6ft 2in, 17st man - was physically assaulted on numerous occasions by my ex - a 5ft 3in 7st woman?
That's disgraceful. Surely you can report her for this ...I would think that is discriminatory, judgemental and definitely not a fair assessment.
Thanks Molly, which bit? I have no idea what's normal and what isn't, I'm disappointed that I didn't get the chance to go through some of my concerns face to face. She took it all so seriously on the phone and I was really positive about it until this happened today.
eta - I almost feel like she was slating my LO when she said that children will play parents off against each other, I've told her on the phone the state he gets in talking about his life at 'home', shaking, crying, wetting himself, and that I've taken him to the doctors who've said they believe he's got anxiety. Not to mention ALL the incidents he's told me about and the fact he's clearly being manipulated (if you don't tell daddy I did that then I'll buy you this, etc).
There out to be someone higher in the Cafcass chain to take this up with.
Her conduct was most unprofessional and you could consider making an official complaint.
Physical assaults regardless who does it are unacceptable but I do understand why many
men feel embarrassed to admit they were victims of dv.
All the more reason in my opinion to complain.
Take care
Kirsten
I want to but I'm worried about the repercussions of complaining and turning her against me, as silly as that sounds. It's bad enough for a big guy like me to admit that a short, slim woman assaulted me constantly without a reaction like that. I was too shocked to react when she said it (probably just as well!) so I just sort of smiled and carried on talking, it was only after she'd left when it hit me what she'd said.
Is it normal for first visit to not talk about the concerns/reasons for court action at all? It really was random things about our past relationship, why we split up, etc. She was here for an hour and I'm struggling to think of what the heck we spoke about for that long! She didn't go into my 'allegations' to ex either. She was also amazed that I don't have a photo of ex in the house because she's his mum and he loves her and why wouldn't he want that? Let me think, because she's been subjecting him to abuse nearly all his life! He never speaks about her apart from to tell me what she's said/done/acted!
Heya Mark,
keep a diary and log everything that was you felt inappropriate.
My personal view is assume they write the worst and put in a complaint early. If you are nice you get walked over, if you are pushy you may get screwed over less.
Good look
Should I document it and see if her attitude continues in future conversations or dive straight in to complaining? Also according to ex, cafcass officer told her that lo should be living with her and have overnights once a month with me! I'm 50% it's ex stirring the pot and 50% that the cafcass officer would've actually said that.
One of the things I learned (and sadly, my daughter has also had to learn) is never take at face value anything that a bitter ex says if doing so means you are at a disadvantage.
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