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Hi All, I think i might I have made a HUGE error massive error in fact and now I have not got a clue to to rectify the problem I've pretty much created. Its my own self doing and in NO WAY shows how i actually feel for my son.
When my son came in to the world in September I was told by her mum via the telephone that he came in to the world. I asked if I could visit him I was told that I should stay do what I did for the last nine months. (i was kept away).
Now here is the shocker, the run up to the birth, I was being bated so much by my ex that I was so angry i couldn't think straight. When eventually later that night IE at least 4 hours later my ex texted me to tell me he was here. My reply was that of sheer anger and angler alone. I said that she should (i'm saying this nicely on here) go away and that i did not want anything to do with her or my son.
This was said in absolute anger and nothing else. I am NOT proud of my comments nor was it meant. I was so angry and not thinking straight.
since then, things were getting better with access and alike. Tonight I gets a call from her family asking me to confirm weather or not I actually care for my son. I said well of course, no question. I would walk the earth of fire for him with bare feet. They then tell me that they saw that text.
I cannot excuse what i said. I wont excuse what i said. I said it and I'm most ashamed of myself. I cant turn back the clock.
Ok, understandably they are mega annoyed, rightly so. However, I do not think they are aware of how pushed out I felt during the whole pregnancy. They won't be told.
They also tell me that i've been stringing her (my ex along). What this meant was that when she asked if I still "love" her I would answer yes as in my heart I did. Could we be together? No, we do not work. This was repeated several times up until about two or three weeks ago. But they think im stringing her along. I'm not, i really am not. Part of me has this self protection thing inside of me to tell her what she wants to hear so that she does not take my son away from me.
I have questions
1) I was told that my ex wants to take me to court...... What for? Can she? What grounds?
2) They have made it that I feel that I simply cannot go collect my son (tomorrow) what can I do? They are not reasonable to talk to AND my ex's mother has decided to be the one who will hand over my son.
People, I know i've done wrong in the biggest fashion, spectacularly so. I do love my son with all my heart and now have no idea what on earth i can do. i certainly can't face them in fear of yet more arguments.
I have had similar problems with the ex's mother trying to bait me during hand overs.
Calling me a dead beat Dad, that she wished I would walk away and leave my son to live his life.
If I were you I would go and collect him. If (and I hope it doesn't) you wind up in the long court process that myself and many other Dads on here are going through, consistency in contact is key. Once a norm is established, they don't like to disrupt the child's routine.
If that means you have to smile, be polite whatever, then do it.
If they bring up the text or anything, I would give a simple response to the effect of not wanting conflict in front of your son, and that it can be discussed at a time that is separate from your contact time with him.
If it's other family members politely say this is between yourself and the ex to sort out.
As I said, the most important thing is seeing your son, he will need you as his Dad to be a constant in his life.
Don't let them scare you off.
thanks for that. Sadly, thats most defiantly easier said then done...
I've pretty much said anything my ex wanted to hear as i was scared that she would take him away from me. Not that nasty text as that was said in the heat of the moment but the rest of them i mean.
To them i'm theeee most hated person on the planet, and they are going to make this so hard for my son to see me.
wonder what a judge would say now if i went for a contact order.
Hey Jonny,
Her family simply should not decide any contact with your son. Your son has a right to see his father - period
A text is meaningless and what not be the basis for taking you to court
What is the arrangement for contact? You hadnt got an order in place had you - if not you had better get one in soon - regardless of how matters are progressing because it seems it could get messy.
If there was an agreement collect your son via the mother. Do not speak to them - perhaps have your phone recording anything incase it gets out of hand. To minimise any friction could someone go with you for the first occasion and let the monster kinda in law know that you are doing so as all you want to do is have a meaningful relationship with your son.
Good luck!
The arrangement is (or was as now im now even sure)
that On a weds I would collect him at 12:30pm until 15.30pm (using my paternity hours) over the last few days she did in actual fact ask if I would have him until half four. (i obviously agreed)
Saturdays 12pm to 3.30pm
I would do the 21 mile drive (each way + each time) to go collect him.
Was informed on the first of three calls that the ex's mother would be the one doing the hand over from now on.
If this still stands now I have no idea. I suspect not and IF it does then I think I'm inline for a row in a car park. I'm not in the mood to talk to them period. I just want to see my son. I want him to be able to see me as is his right.
I think I may have someone coming with me to take him up, but not sure yet.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope the contact goes ahead as you hope. It sounds like a good arrangement for a young baby - where contact is recommended to be little and often. If this routine is established and you did go to court, they would be reluctant to change it.
Hopefully if you can get a friend to come with you, it may help to keep you calm.
You can hope the agreed contact still stands, but if it doesn't, your next step would be to put in an application for mediation.
It's expensive, but legal aid is still available for mediation - that's if your ex were to turn up, mine didn't!
Should this fail or not go ahead the next step would be a contact order.
There's loads of info on here about making the application and self-representing if need be, just keep posting and there will be many on hand to help.
Best of luck for tomorrow, let us know how it goes.
My question is though, Even though ive been a bit of a [censored] via text now and then (more my buttons being pushed), can this prevent my son from seeing me if this ended up in court?
I dont really want to face her family.... Must i ??
Old messages and texts shouldn't mean anything when it comes to court, provided you haven't been threatening etc. which from what you have quoted you haven't. As you can imagine, by the time a case gets to court, the parents have done a lot of arguing trying to resolve things. If they weren't arguing, they wouldn't be there. So the court sees arguing parents every day.
The courts are much more interested in the relationship you have with your son.
- do you turn up to every contact/handover? No matter what?
- have you done the best to resolve the situation without court action?
What somebody says in the heat of an argument isn't what they base their decisions on, so no, that one text shouldn't be damning in your case. They want to see you are a committed father, the only thing that would really damage a court application is not turning up to arranged contact, as you are then not being reliable and consistent for your son.
I hate to say it but if you have to see her family to collect your son, it really has to be done. Missing the visits is far more damaging than any text message.
Was reading your message like three times before I decided to reply. That is actually the most obvious thing like you say. I stupidly knew already what you said. that was kinda the slap in my face i needed (thank you :)) i clearly am not thinking straight at all.
I have to front the confrontation and actually just either not say anything at all or just be polite about it.
Its a mission and a half I can tell you.... I'm REALLY scared thats for sure. very very very scared. I cant live without harmony in my life, it puts me on edge.
This is not good for our son and i want this sorted while he is young enough not to know any different. I do not want him to realise what went on when he was young. I want him to be happy.
Also, mum advised me to download all texts. My phone stored them from only 8 days back...
I think there were 1300+ messages in 8 days! exported to PDF they were 91 pages worth of A4 worth of texts....
in 8 days?? really??
No problem, sometimes you just need to hear it from somebody else!
I wouldn't worry about your son, he has a dad who loves and cares for him, and that's all that matters.
Seriously?? That's a lot! I would keep the texts for now, but seriously doubt it will be relevant if it comes to court.
In future if it can be helped, I would only reply to messages that are about your son. Just to give it some cooling off time before people say too many things they will later come to regret. Keep him the centre of focus and you can't go wrong.
I know it's scary, I still have to face the ex's family myself sometimes, but the cheerier I am, the more bewildered they look!
Hi Jonny i thought i might share a few ideas some good and some not so good pending on my own experience.
1st forget about the txt is means nothing and is worth nothing.
2nd yes keep all txts and messages but dont bother with the good ones just the bad if she sends any snotty ones.
3rd the bad news is you are at the mercy of her allowing the contact. If she ever decides to stop contact then your only option is
Mediation/ court order.
I guess its all up to you to keep them sweet so that contact remains. I hope that you never have to go through the court but if you do
then you need all the evidence you can. In my own personal exp the court allowed txts as evidence, emails also.
AND wait for it phone recordings!!! yep sadly i had to buy a Dictaphone to show what was really happening and although they did not allow the actual machine in the court they DID allow transcripts from the recordings in my statement.
I guess what i am saying very badly
is keep doing what your doing but at the same time be prepared if it ever takes a turn for the worst. In the past i wish i had kept certain things but didn't which was shame as it could of been really useful.
az
Az, Many thanks for your input on my thread.
1) --- Yes, I agree, that one text did mean nothing to me, said in sheer anger and I was so angry at myself for saying it. So very angry. I felt like I had just "snapped" at that point. At that point (well asap after that text) i went and sought medical help for myself as I knew I was not thinking straight. I needed help. So went out and got some! I was out of order.
2) --- She always send snotty ones, Do you think I can be selective with the ones (should it get that far) i can/should submit in to court?
3) --- While I may be at her mercy at this time, I have as of today applied to mediation for help in resolving the matter. I have asked them questions on the telephone today before committing to making an appointment.
Although today has been hard as it was my day to have my son for a few hours, realistically my son misses out again. I can cope with me missing out, I'm an adult. He can't have a choice in whom he sees. I'm just gutted for him and me.
She may have won the battle, I will win the war and get my son his rights.
I know it's scary, I still have to face the ex's family myself sometimes, but the cheerier I am, the more bewildered they look!
Had to laugh at that one mate. It drives my ex mental when I take the kids back and we're all happy- but what am I supposed to do, after a weekend of fun and cuddles we're all well happy come Sunday night- am I supposed to tell the kids to look angry when we turn up?
OP what they are essentially doing is bullying you. Ignore them as if they are too idiotic to not think that she may just be showing them the one bad text you have sent they'll never behave decently to you. The only person you want or need to impress and prove things to is you lad, and even if you hit spells of not seeing him you will have so many chances to build that strong relationship over the next eighteen years.
I've gone from shared residency to only weekends due to my spiteful ex, and i'm about to put the C100 in, confident that i'll be able to get shared residency back. When we're cut to limited access, what many mums seem to forget is that kids really value the short bits of time when they are having fun. In a kid's mind, a few Dad hours doing something great- running round the park, building a den, reading a book together- is far more impactful that five days of getting up, going to school, and getting moaned at for not being ready for bed.
One thing i'd advise that has served me well is using your non contact time to do something that will be a big part of your sons future. In my recent couple of months of restricted access, I joined the gym and shifted that extra stone i had put on. My eldest is really into sport now and by getting fit i'll be able to do more rugby with him next summer. For me this target has helped me through the many nights when i'm missing them loads, and its also helped the last few months fly by too.
Best of luck pal.
Its easy to get to involved with he said this she said that. I suppose its to be expected in most cases and i would suggest that you do not get involved in the spats as it will only raise your blood pressure. Stay calm, be polite and show the world that you are the greatest dad.
With that said, if you do feel that things are going to go really wrong then i suggest documenting times dates etc and logging txts emails etc. as for Mediation that is a good step which shows you are trying to sort things out.
If things go wrong and you need to go to court for access then i think i would say
worry about it then don`t worry about it right now,you still have a good chance to sort things out and if you dont
there are plenty of people here who can help you with that next step.
az
To answer q2 above, I would include ALL texts - if you leave some out, then it could look like you are trying to hide something. However, you can always refer to particular texts, if important, in your statements - don't forget the texts are there to back up what you are saying.
include ALL TEXTS
these form a conversation trail, they will show the initiating texts by either yourself or your ex and then the responses.
From now on be careful when replying, if she send a snotty one DONT REPLY. leave it - easier said than done when an ex says some un-true and very hurtfull things, but let her!!! it will show in cout she's the abusive one and that you're no longer biting her bait!!!
Keep records of every interaction when its not in writing....meeting the ex's family for handovers etc... if they kick off or cause problems say to them that you are not prepared to argue with them and anything they want to say put in writing. Walk away if you have to but do not stand there in public or private arguing....they may be setting you up!
My ex had one of her "moments" in a burgger restaurant....i didn't rise to her bait as i'd already spotted one of her friends in a booth not far from us....i'm fairly certain i was being set up so i was calm and told her to put her problem in writing and we'd discuss it at court! then walked out.
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