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Hi all,
This is my first post and I am really in need of some advice.
My ex left when my daugher was just 15months old, she is now 6. My daughter stayed with me when her mum left, my ex saw her daughter rarely as she would always make excuses. 3 years ago I went to pick my daughter up from her mums when she'd had her for the day while I was at work, she refused to let me have her back though, after a lot of arguing I eventually managed to get my daughter back into my care. After this I seeked help from a solicitor to prevent this happening again, Unfortunatley I couldn't afford the fees I'd need to pay monthly so I left it, a letter did go out to my ex though asking her to go to mediation which she refused.
I now have a new partner who my ex found out about begining of this year, immediately she was demanding on seeing our daughter more and more. I have never stopped her seeing our daughter but she claims I do, I used to always drop off and pick up which isn't great as she doesn't live close, I eventually had enough of this and it was my ex who said "when I want to see her I come and pick her up, when you want her back you come and get her from me" which I thought was fair enough. But she never sticks to arrangements, all I ever get is abuse off her when she doesn't get her own way, and the abuse just seems to be getting worse day by day. A few people have said I should get a harrassment order because it's that bad but then what happens when she's meant to come and pick up our daughter.
Our daughter never used to sleep at my ex's, would only see her during the daytime or after school for a few hours etc, But this has changed too since she found out about my new partner, she demanded our daughter would sleep on friday nights after school, this then turned into fri & sat nights, but this weekend its fri, sat & sun night! I really dislike her sleeping there as its a 2 bed council house and already 4 people living in it. When she stays she sleeps in the same room as her 4yr old half brother, her mum, and her mum's boyfriend, then her mum's boyfriends 14yr old daughter has the 2nd room to herself. Every weekend my daughter will come home and say "Mummy didn't give me breakfast, mummy didn't brush my teeth, I didn't have a bath at mummy's" and she is always filthy from head to toe, she is also really really tired because her mum doesn't put her to bed at her bedtime which should be around 7.30pm, instead its 10-11pm and she can't cope with this at all. I can't talk to her mum in the slightest as she just kicks off, she has a real acid tongue, we can never arrange anything because she's so argumentative, especially if I suggest something and she doesn't like it.
Her mum doesn't work, so I feel she should have our daughter during the week after school for a few hours instead of every weekend as I work full time so don't get to see her, but she'll just flat out say no and that saturdays are "her day" but its only been like that for about a year. If we ever do manage to arrange something, for example pick up times, once my daughter is in her mums care I'll get a text telling me to come 2 hours later than originally planned, then another one saying come another hour later etc, which makes her bedtime later and later again. If I do go and try and get her back at the original arranged day/time I get abuse hurled at me, the door slammed in my face and she refuses to let my have my daughter back.
In the past 6 months I've been to:
- A solicitor, but I don't qualify for legal aid by about £50, but the legal fees are way too expensive and I really cannot afford it.
- Local Sure Start centre - here they advised my to go to a local advise centre
- Local Advice centre - here I finally thought I'd found someone who could help, the lady I met with gave me a lot of advise, she said I didn't really need to bother with a residency order as my daughter already lives with me, I am the main carer as I get the child maintenance, and she said she'd write me a letter for me to send to my ex to try and get my points across and sort things amicably. The next day I emailed the lady I met with giving her an example of what every friday night is like for me with abusive texts and threats etc. The following Monday I recieved a call off her saying that she strongly advised me to go to social services and report my daughters mother, the main factor being the sleeping arrangements, it isn't right to have a fully grown male who isn't my daughters father sleeping in the same room as my 6 yr old. So next I went to..
- Social Services - Here I stressed the sleeping arrangements to a social worker, the fact my daughter never has breakfast when she stays, doesn't get washed, lives on biscuits and sweets, goes to bed well past her bedtime completely knocking her out of routine. I also stressed the fact that my daughter came home to me one weekend and told me her and her brother had to hide under the bed because they were really scared as her mum and boyfriend were arguing. The social worker didn't seem to find any of this a threat and said there was nothing they could do as they don't see my daughter to be in any harm. I couldn't believe this.
Since social services I've tried getting in touch with the lady at the advice centre a few times over the phone and emails but I'm not getting any responce, I feel completely helpless and don't know what to do, the situation just seems to be getting worse and worse. My ex keeps threatening that she's going to take our daughter once and for all and theres nothing I can do about it. Would someone really take my daughter out of a stable loving home where she has routine and her own bedroom, and is well looked after into an environment like her mothers? I really don't know what I can do but need it sorting once and for all, its gone on for too long now.
Can anyone please help? Or advice me in anyway?
Thank you in advance
Rich
Hi,
Sounds really tough! I can understand your concerns. As you are the main carer, I think you have a choice to make as to whether she is behaving in a way that means she should see your daughter unsupervised at the moment. It would concern me that she may well go through with her plan to take your daughter at some stage. Do you think her behaviour is effecting your daughter? e.g. is she shouting at you in front of her etc... Does your daughter have a good relationship with her Mum?
Thank you for your reply.
She already sees her unsupervised at the moment, but if it was to be supervised doesn't social services or the court have to decide that? Yes I do feel it's affecting my daughter, she does shout at me regularly in front of her & it always contains a lot of swearing, she has a real attitude & I think my daughters behaviour always seems to be worse when she comes back from seeing her mum. I wouldn't say it's the best relationship
Rich
Hi Rich,
Welcome to the site!
Your ex would need a residency order to gain custody of your daughter and they are very, very difficult to get. She would have to prove that your child was at emotional or physical risk by being with you, before a court would even consider moving your daughter. However a court would also want to encourage contact between your daughter and her mother and there is an expectation for you to be reasonable about this.
It appears that you are the resident parent, meaning that your daughter lives with you. As the resident parent you can decide on the level of contact your ex has with your daughter, although there is an expectation for you to be reasonable about it. I believe, given the circumstances, that you have been more than reasonable.
Your ex will share Parental Responsibility (PR) with you and you must consult with her on matters of education, religion, healthcare, etc. However, and I really want to highlight this, you are the resident parent and are responsible for your daughter. When your ex refuses to return your daughter she is breaking the law. It is actually child abduction and you don't have to put up with it. If this happens again I would ring the police immediately.
You clearly want your daughter to have a relationship with her mother, but you shouldn't have to feel intimidated into agreeing to her demands. She seems to think that she can call the shots and she really isn't in any position to do this. She's a bully relying on threats and verbal abuse to get what she wants.
I would recommend that you speak with the Coram Children's Legal Centre (CCLC). They offer free legal advice and there's a direct link to their website at the foot of this page.
Let us know how you get on and if you need help or support you'll find it right here!
FM '70
Hi RIch
I agree with FM above, and think it's definitely worth having a word with the CCLC. I'll ask them to pop on here and give an opinion anyway, but as FM say, there is a link if you want to speak to them beforehand.
Thank you for the replies. I'll definately have a look at the CCLC link.
I would like to think of myself as being reasonable, possibly too reasonable, but that is purely the fact of the abuse, she cannot take no for an answer.
I've been told before by a few people that if I was to ring the police all they would do is come & do a well being check, is this not correct then? Would they be able to return my daughter into my care if her mother refuses to give her back?
I've never wanted to stop my daughter seeing her mum, I do want her to have a relationship with her but something needs sorting.
Thank you very much
Rich
I would take further advice from the CCLC before doing anything, but it is my understanding is that if your ex takes your daughter and refuses to return her to you this is effectively abduction and the police should return her to you. You are the resident parent, as your daughter lives with you and this can easily be varified as any child related benefit will be paid to you, your daughter is registered as living with you at schools, doctors, etc...
... have a good chat with the CCLC. They may be able to help you word a letter to your ex that outlines your concerns and illustrates what you're prepared to do to ensure the future wellbeing of your child.
Dear Rich123
Thank you for your enquiry. We would need to know whether you have Parental Responsibility for your daughter.
You would have Parental Responsibility if:
• You were married to the mother;
• Your name is registered or re-registered on the birth certificate after the 1st December 2003
• You have a Parental Responsibility agreement with the mother;
• You have a Parental Responsibility Order from the court;
• You have a Residence Order from the court
We would advise that you firstly initiate mediation with the mother in regards to the issues present. Mediation is where a neutral third party would assist you whilst you try and negotiate an amicable agreement with the mother in relation to contact times. To arrange Mediation please go on the National Family Mediation website http://www.nfm.org.uk/home or contact them on 03004000636.
If however mediation is unsuccessful you can as a final resort apply for a Residence Order. A Residence Order would legally recognise you as the Resident Parent, therefore making any attempt from the mother to keep your daughter permanently unlawful and in breach of the Court Order.
A Residence Order can be applied for through the following process; an application can be made by filling out a C100 form. This form can be obtained through a Local Family Proceedings Court or through the www.justice.gov.uk website.
You will also be required to attach a £200 fee to this form, once you have filled in the application and attached the fee please hand the form to the Family Proceedings Court closest to where you and your daughter reside. Once you have filed your application, you will then be contacted with a hearing date. In regards to the £200 fee you can fill out an EX160A form to check your eligibility to a fee reduction or a complete exemption from paying.
We understand you are not eligible to Legal Aid and also concerned about Court costs, therefore this leaves the option of representing your self in Court that is if it gets to this stage of Court Proceedings. Representing your self in Court can seem daunting but it is a common step taken if Legal Aid is unavailable. We would advise if possible you keep a diary of all events which take place between you and the mother, we would also advise you to try and keep any correspondence with the mother in writing as this can be presented in Court as evidence of her behaviour and how it is affecting your daughter.
If you have any further questions please contact us again via our webchat facility. The link to our webchat is http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com and can be accessed Monday to Friday 9am-6pm. Alternatively you can contact us on our freephone advice line which is 0808 8020 008 and available Monday to Friday 8am-8pm.
Yours sincerely,
Coram Children’s Legal Centre
Thanks once again for all the advice.
I believe I do have parental responsibility as I am registered as the father on my daughters birth certificate who was born in 2006.
I feel mediation wouldn't work as she'd refuse to turn up, which she has done in the past so I may have to go straight for the residence order. I have a few questions about a Residence Order if you could advise please:
1. If I was to get a residency order do you think I need a contact agreement attached?
2. If I applied for the order would this go to Court, if so would I and her mother both have to be present?
3. If I did get a residence order would this completely stop my daughter from sleeping at her mums house?
Rich
Hi Rich,
It does appear that you have PR and I understand your concerns about mediation. If you have evidence or examples of how previous attempts at mediation have failed due to the behaviour of your ex, then feel free to mention this in your application.
As regards your other questions I would suggest that you speak with the CCLC about this tomorrow. They will be able to answer your questions more accurately than I can.
I would also suggest that you take a look at Yoji's Guide To Representing Yourself In Court at the top of the Legal Eagle forum. You will probably find this really useful!
FM '70
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