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Hi guys. I have a bit of an issue and my head is mashed because I don't know what to do. Making the wrong decision could be a disaster.
So a brief outline me and my partner met and got together and she fell pregnant rather quickly into the relationship. We decided to keep it and promised eachother that no matter what happened with us we would always be there for the baby. Anyway she is currently 28 weeks gone and we are expecting a little girl :).
Now the twist. Mid December things turned sour she got short tempered and we were both under a lot of stress and bickering. I spent a month sleeping on the sofa. It reached a head in mid January where an argument got out of hand tempers flared and a lot of cruel bitter things were said leading to her lashing out at me. This led to some scuffles as I tried to fight her off me. More by pushing and grabbing than hitting her. As it escalated to try make me let go of her she bit down on my thumb near enough to the bone and would not let go despite mt bests efforts so I felt I had no choice and punched her numerous times in the mouth until she had let go. I am ashamed of what I did and I truly wish I'd let her bite my thumb off. Anyway neighbours heard the argument and police turned up. They witnessed her with a split lip and me shook up saying I hit her I didn't mean to and I was arrested. Charges were pressed however I was notified during interview that my partner had refused numerous times to give a statement against me but eventually had. (I later learned from my solicitor they push and push for convictions in domestic situations). 2 days after I was released from custody I had a call off my friend stating my other half was at hers in bits wanting to know if I was okay and despite me now having no contact bail conditions I went. She broke down told me not to blame myself we were both just as bad as eachother told me we would work through it for the sake of our baby. We got back together and kept it quiet treading carefully as we both wanted to be a family with our little girl. She convinced me that in my best interest would be to just plead guilty to the charges and have it over and done with and that we could move on from it and convince social services that we are fit to be parents together. On my my appearance in court my solicitor advised that as there were multiple charges (relating to location different rooms etc - very petty if you ask me as it was all one ongoing incident) it could be seen as serious and I could face custodial possibly. She also showed me a statement from mid Feb signed by my partner asking for a restraining order. (My partner had made me aware of her appointment with victim support officers and the statement at the time and had told me they had been pushing her for a restraining order however she had declined stating I need to speak to him as he is the father of my baby). My solicitor advised me on a not guilty plea which would take it to a trial where she could argue self defence and [censored] for tat.
Due to the not guilty plea it has now been set for a trial. My partner and I have now separated as although my way of thinking is if I get the charges reduced or lessened it provides me with a better chance of being allowed contact with my daughter. She however sees it as me trying to save my own skin and not thinking about the stress it will put her and our unborn child under. (She's a high risk pregnancy with diagnosed lupus) she is stating that I'm only thinking of myself and due to bad past experiences in a courtroom it's a place that she feels very stressed out about being. She has since provided me with proof that she HaD decline the restraining order in the form of official letters from victim support stating if she changes her mind and wants one just to contact them.
She seems under the impression that given the classification of the charges (violent domestic) my best option would have been to plead guilty to all. And she has sent me a link to a new law thingy basically saying if a parent is convicted of a violent domestic offence the court will favour them basically if they are willing to hold their hands up and admit what they did was wrong and accept any course that is offered as it is then seen that they are making an effort to rectify and are more likely to be given the okay with social to be able to see their child. The way I'm doing it they would see me as someone who was trying to save their own skin by dragging their heavily pregnant partner through a court case.
Sorry about the long winded essay but I don't know what I should do. I have 2 options. 1 hope she isn't trying to screw me over, do as she says and try change my plea, and hope she was right. Or 2 Carry on with the trial knowing that my solicitor is going to rip her to shreds to get me off. Leading to her then trying to deny me access out of spite and many months of court battles for access.
Any advice would be appreciated or more info on this new law
This is a tough one, but it's a decision only you can make I'm afraid.
Might it be possible to accept guilt with mitigating circumstances, would your partner be prepared to provide a statement to the court stating that she was as much to blame and that there had been violence from both sides?
I'm not sure about this new law, courts do like to see anyone accused of domestic violence be prepared to accept responsibility for their actions and attend a domestic violence perpetrators programme; the programme won't accept anyone onto it that won't admit their guilt....this may be what she is talking about. We have dads here that have been falsely accused that have had to attend one of these programmes...hopefully they will be along to offer some advice.
All the best
Thank you. In her original statement she has stated she gave as good as she got. And she has downplayed it a lot which she says she was trying to stick up for me. I understand what your saying about the course etc and it makes sense thanks for your advice
It's an awful situation for you and I can understand why you went for not guilty... in truth, because of this, once the baby is born, its likely to present problems for you if you split and she denies you contact...not impossible though, but if you find yourself having to apply for a court order for contact with your child, expect to have to jump through hoops before this is agreed.
The fact that you used physical violence against her, even under extreme provocation, makes a not guilty hard to achieve...that's just my personal opinion.
I've never reacted like this to anything in my life and she has a history of being hit by partners which makes me feel.worse but also makes me wonder why if I'm honest. I completely regret what happened and she knows how sorry I am. But it's not about me and her it's about what's best for our little girl now
Hi guys. Update on original post. I took the fall to protect my then partner from the social and the stress of court. I spent 2 and a half months in custody and while I was away my beautiful baby daughter was born. She is absolutely stunning. However despite the promises from her mother that she will stand by me and always wanted me to be a part of my daughters life, I was released from prison to find she had turned her back, I have a restraining order against her and social services saying that they don't want me anywhere near my daughter. And if my partner wants to remove the restraining ordrr they will raise a safeguarding. They have told me I will have to seek legal advice and if the court awards me access or contact then social will put a child protection order in place. What the [censored] do I do guys? My baby is nearly 5 weeks old and I just want to meet her and hold her, I want her to know her daddy loves her. Just how screwed am I?
It's difficult - is there any way you can try to work with children's services to give you some access, which will pretty certainly be supervised contact at best for some time, but anything is better than nothing.
The social worker has told me herself that she wants me to have nothing to do with my daughter. That if her mother removes the restraining order on herself that would allow me access then she would hit the mother with a safeguarding. She has said I'll have to take it to court and if I am awarded access then she will put a child protection order in place
This is why I was wondering about supervised contact in a contact centre. You could try speaking to the children's services worker's manager to see if that helps.
Would that make any difference? Feels like despite the baby's mum telling everyone she wants me to be a dad ro my daughter she's spinning it to the social to make it hard for me. They are classing me as a high risk of harm to children. I know this could change as time goes by. But I can't wait that long
I wonder whether the social worker has a fixed idea in her head and nothing you do will change it, if you try speaking to her manager and saying you want to try to work with them so that you can have some contact, and that you think that it would be good for your daughter to have that contact now, even if it's very restrictive, so that in the future, she will know who you are if restrictions can be eased, you really don't have much to lose by trying.
So update on the situation. I grew a pair and stopped protecting my ex after I've found out a lot of stuff and had it out with the social worker and told her the truth about my ex. The social worker has now changed her mind about me and is investigating my ex (she has got back with an ex partner who she always claims was violent, she's out every weekend getting in such a state she has to be carried out the pub, she ditched the baby at 10.3pm with a sitter to run and fix her relationship with her fella...stuff like that. Plus her drug use while pregnant. Her threats of suicide if anyone tried to take the baby off her) the social worker has now turned round and said she wants me to see my daughter but she needs my probation officer to give her the green light due to risk level. So after a meeting with my probaton officer who said her only concern is me being around my daughter and my daughter bearing witness to something...I explained contact would be supervised and my ex wouldn't be allowed there so my p.o has agreed she would be happy for that. So is going to speak to s.w and see what they can come up with. Only obstacle is my ex who will have to agree to it. She is using the baby as something to rub in my face and score points at the moment so will more than likely say no so will be a court access thing...but with social now backed off and only me vs my ex should go in my favour. Along with an application for p.r
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