Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information β open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you β or someone you know β are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi guys, so things are moving slowly. I have a few things that I need help on.
The last court case ordered that the mother should see son in a contact centre (her choice) for a period of time (3 months) This would then progress to seeing him unsupported for a period of time (3 months) and after this it would progress to 'normal' alternate weekends including overnight stays.
Cafcass recommended that these visits within the contact centre be every other week. The court has ordered (after finally receiving the court order) every week.
We are now 3 weeks after that court case and as we have heard nothing from the contact centre cafcass decided to arrange supervised contact within their office. I'm happy with this. The contact centre was unsupported so this is better in my opinion. Anyway, an update from the meeting and my son has confused the cafcass worker because he has told her he is terribly scared of Mum then waltzes in to the meeting with no issues. Cafcass have said that although it wasn't right with son not engaging with mum there is a bond there to be worked on. Now mum lives in town and can walk to cafcass or the contact centre while I live half hour away, I understand that Mum can't pick son up as it is supervised but it seems the more I facilitate her the more I am required to give. Contact was meant to be on a weekend and has now moved to the week. We have one day free during the week where we don't have any commitments as a family and now it's taken up. Not only this we have to drive there, pay to park, drive back and then go and get son having to pay and park again. It's Β£3.70 up to an hour and Β£5.80 over. It's in a city so would have to park miles away to not accrue huge parking fees. Meeting in the weekday is directly after school leaving me only 30 minutes to get from school and him in to the office.
Second, financial. Son has lived with us for a year now and mum has contributed nothing! Not even any clothes. Mum has moved so don't know her address to go down CMS or would I not need that? All the time we are forking out and with this added financial strain is getting a bit too much. It's having an impact upon our family and now our monthly costs will increase by up to Β£60 for fuel & parking. Al the while she has a cushy life.
Thirdly, we know that while Mum is under the microscope she isn't going to mess up. After all all she has to do is one hour every week. It's after that I am concerned about.
Fourthly, this is quite delicate. After discovering Mums infidelity through her medical records it has come to our attention that son may not even be mine. I have to do a DNA test which is a sticky thing for me. I'm all son has ever known as a dad. What on earth do I do if he isn't mine and how will that affect the court process? I've put this off for a little while but I feel that it is something I can't ignore anymore.
Appreciate your replies as always.
Hi there
When CAFCASS moved the arrangements, did you not put your concerns forward? I would suggest that you ask for a meeting to discuss the situation and to tell them that the financial burden is creating problems for you as a family, that's all I can suggest really.
As far as your ex making maintenance payments, is she working? If not, then the amount she would pay would be nominal, if anything at all.
All you can do is share your concerns when contact is ready to move to unsupported, perhaps ask for assurances that should she slip back to harmful behaviour again, that contact be stopped indefinitely, as anything less would be damaging to your son long term. The fact that he has expressed his fear of his mother should be taken on board, regardless of reaction when he sees her; it could be that he felt safe in a supervised environment, or is used to having to see her, regardless of his fears.
As far as the DNA is concerned, I find it tremendously difficult to give an opinion on this, it's all about how you feel at this point; as you said, you are all he has known and there is a reliance on you to protect him. I feel sure, if you want to continue to care for him, because of the lack of maternal care and the fact that he lives with you, the court would probably leave it as is... as long as it's what you want.
How you might feel if it transpires that he is not biologically yours, is a different matter, but in my opinion, we love our children unconditionally and I would like to think nurture would prevail. Could you bear the thought of him being set adrift due to an accident of birth, perhaps ending up in the care system?
I feel incredibly sorry for you all, you and your child asked for none of this and the saga of his young life so far continues to lurch from one issue to the next.
All the best
Hi Mojo,
Thanks π
We have expressed our concern about the current arrangements and have been told that should she mess up again after this point then it would be a completely different matter in that event. I am presuming that contact would be stopped indefinitely as you say.
We spent all weekend encouraging son to try it see how he goes as advised by the cafcass worker so found it quite odd that she said the way he has explained and his reactions don't add up but I agree that in a supervised setting he would feel safer.
She is working yes, not sure if full time or part time but yes. We also told cafcass about this affecting our family financially and have been told it's only short term but 6 months to me isn't short term and that could have a massive effect upon our setting.
With regards to the DNA well as far as it would go this little one needs protecting. My wife has been a mother to her for the last year and I don't feel that we could give that up. We were more concerned that should this be brought up the mother would have more rights and a 'father' would miraculously appear from the woodwork. We have no intention of letting him go, we have fought tooth and nail this last year to protect him and there's no way we want him in the care system.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We donβt like to set βrulesβ, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.