[Solved] Time to Walk Away

That’s just awful and heart wrenching, and I can relate to this.
Myself, I’ve been in this ‘system’ ongoing for almost three years, £20,000 and 15 hearings - it really is draining and seems so one sided and unfair.

Where I am now is at the psychologists report stage - and I haven’t seen it yet. There may be a time when I do the same, or...... come to the end of the journey only to face a similar scenario as your partner.

I really do feel for him, and also his child. The sad thing is that despite everything and all the efforts of the ‘applicant’, the respondent seems to have a huge amount of influence on the child, or children involved.

At least he has a good partner like yourself to support him, he knows as well as you do that’s he’s put his everything into this - he seems to have done his best.

I just hope that within a few years when the child grows up and becomes less dependent on his mother, he can see the situation in a different light.

Jonathan

What you're going through is awful and I think it's something that a lot of dads have to consider at some point.

Looking at things from a child's point of view, when the relationship ends they are taken from their fathers and I'm guessing unless the father has been an absolute monster to them, that's difficult for them.

But the child has the mother, the mother's family and friends and continues their life going to nursery or school and doing everything else they would have done except the stuff with dad. Over time (and with the mediation process, applying for legal aid, months between hearings, etc) I think things become easier for children. They settle in to a routine of living with the mother, possibly the mothers new partner, and their siblings if there are any.

If contact has been through a contact centre, limited to short periods, stopped altogether or if there is any kind of parental alienation the child may be told the reasons are that dad has done bad things, especially because the fault based system set up by the courts requires dispute - if there is no disagreement between the parents then the courts don't get involved. And so the child might hear stories about dad, not just from the mother but from the mother's side of the family and her friends (who would naturally support them). A mother who has made false allegations will perpetuate those lies - they're almost certainly not going to admit to the child that they've made up lies about their father and I assume in a lot of cases to everyone else as well. They get sympathy and support from being the victim.

What is a child supposed to do in those circumstances? They can stand up for their dad but that's not an easy thing for them to do if the stories are coming from several grown ups. It's been suggested that they suffer from a kind of stockholm syndrome where the easiest course of action is to go with the flow, to accept the opinion from the majority of people in their lives and to maintain their own sanity. In contrast the amount of contact they have with dad is often limited and for a while at least they may do their best to just have fun with him and forget what's going on. Children can be very forgiving, even if they're hearing bad things, true or not.

Throughout the whole court process, something that seems to often take years, the father has to attempt to maintain a relationship with their children whilst all this is going on in the rest of the child's life, to convince the child that they simply love them and that they're doing their best to fix their relationship. Time drags on, the situation can often escalate with more false allegations and the child becomes impatient and desensitised to the whole thing - they're living another life away from dad with school and friends and other normal things.

To put it another way, they can side with dad and have a difficult life disagreeing with the stories that are being told or they can side with mum and have an easier life. They're children - they find themselves in a situation they don't know how to deal with, are emotionally confused and have to find a way to cope. What else can we expect.

I'm sure there are cases where mum doesn't say things to the child(ren) that they shouldn't be saying, but for those that do, from a child's point of view, they have to find the easiest path to living a normal life and staying sane. What else can we expect of them?

Any father that decides to walk away, battle weary after months or years of court hearings, defending themselves against false allegations, dealing with overwhelming emotions and impossible situations, being rejected and not trusted by their own children as a result of all of the above, should do so knowing that they've done all they possibly can and go and find whatever answers they can to make things right for themselves. I think any fathers who have been through the mill and experienced this [censored] would agree - there must come a point where things are just too unbearable, especially if the children are no longer on your side.

Well said, so much sense in your post

Also, once a child has started to side with the mother, to accept that dad may have done bad things, when life starts to become easier for them because it's simply easier for them, they develop a pattern of thinking in this way - as they grow older it becomes in a way their reality, reinforced by good times spend with mum and limited contact with dad.

It's hard for someone else to challenge their beliefs about dad and more importantly for them to challenge it themselves - surely they can't have been wrong all this time. Mum was really the culprit and actually dad had never done anything wrong! It's almost like trying to convince them that red is blue and 6+6=27. They will grow up with these stories, it will be reinforced because they're only allowed to see dad in a contact centre - they can't just go for an ice-cream because it's not allowed. Dad can't take them swimming or go to the cinema or just take them wherever he wants. It becomes ingrained in them that something is wrong, and this can often be reinforced by the mother and everyone else they see, except dad.

How can you fight that?

I just hope that one day that these issues are recognised properly- which will lead to the process changing. There is so much at fault and logically unbelievable within the system I just don’t know how and why this can be.

The simple answer is money - solicitors, judges, barristers, the government all make huge amounts of money from a fault based system. They'd all be out of jobs if it wasn't this way.
They could easily give all parents equal residence as a matter of course and then the only cases that would go to court would be those which have genuine safeguarding issues.

I'm so sorry to hear this lollyrus... we all know how hard you've fought and how much it has taken out of you both. You can both hold your heads high, knowing that you did everything humanly possible to be a part of that poor boys life.

The mother probably sees it as a victory, but there are no winners in this situation. You and your partner need time to heal and regroup, it has probably been all consuming for you both and now it's time to concentrate on each other.

Like Jonathan1122 I hope that his son will eventually see the bigger picture and have a better understanding of the situation, I'm sure the door remains open for him if he should come looking.

All the best

Don't give up for the future, in a few years it can change - send a message on birthdays and Christmas if you can, but once the mother has no control, you may find that the relationship can be rebuilt.

Hi There,

I know where you are coming from, I had to make the decision to walk away from my child and seeing them due to my ex, it was 5 years before I saw him again, and I am starting to rebuild a relationship again.

My ex controlled him so he didn't know whether he was coming or going when he was seeing me, it was like so hard on my son and he was telling me he didn't want to see me.

As said above, if and when you decide to break away you need to be able to say and know you did all you could.
GTTS