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Hi everyone,
I've been recently posting in the 'Fathering Children' section of the website but have decided to move my topic to here for a variety of reasons. If you want to look my topic on the other forum please do, the link is below:
New here and in need of advice (rough patch)
I'm starting to see my daughter less and less, maybe a few hours a week around my partner's flat, this is something I'm starting to get frustrated with. My partner and I do still talk when we are around each other and sometimes can hold a decent conversation with each other and this does remind me of how great things used to be with her (I do still believe it could be great). I try not to show her my frustration and keep my calm but on occasion we do have a little argument about things. The argument usually involves the conversation of me having my daughter for the weekend or for a day. My partner does suffer with post-natal depression (see previous topic).
Anyway, I requested to my partner if I could have my daughter for the day on Sunday (obviously Father's Day). She proceeded to say no not all day as she has things to do as well and other family members want to see her that day. Now I'm not looking for sympathy her but of ALL days, this being my first Father's Day and I do not get to spend the day with my little one. I couldn't quite understand what other family members would need to see her that day. Okay, maybe my partner's Dad and Step-Dad but they have seen her already this week and I have yet to see her. I told my partner that I didn't think I was being unreasonable, she thought otherwise. (By the way at no point do I become aggressive in the way I say things.)
As much as I still love my partner and want to support her even if we are "seperated" right now so to speak, I cannot simply go on like this, not having regular and quality contact with my daughter. I have started counselling for myself because I am just completely at loss with myself, I cannot concentrate on work, sleeping has become a chore, etc. I'm trying so hard with my partner and with my daughter but nothing seems to be coming to light from all this.
This has now for me become about contact with my daughter and not about our relationship. I sent an informal message to my partner yesterday that said this:
" When i come to see [daughter] i think it is time to have a serious conversation about what arrangements we should put in place for [daughter] to spend time with me. I think we should try to do this as soon as possible and as amicable as possible, for [daughter]'s sake. Regardless of what is happening with us i now feel i have to have something formal in place to ensure [daughter] sees her father on a regular basis and has a healthy relationship with me. I’m not saying anything has to be agreed tomorrow but do you think we could start talking about this tomorrow?"
I received no reply.
I messaged her again today asking if everything is okay for me to still come round today and she replied saying yes. When I do go over to her flat later I will ask her if she is willing to talk about this, if she says no or something along those lines, I am going to tell her that I will be sending her a formal letter pretty much saying the same thing as the message did in the hope that we can arrange an amicable meeting together to discuss the care of our daughter.
I've written a proposal for shared care of our daughter which I would present to her if we are able to arrange a meeting to discuss this.
This is the point I'm at right now, if you have any advice please send it my way, good, bad, ugly anything.
(Sorry for the long post!)
Hi there 🙂
i remember your topic well and I thought that you were handling a very sensitive situation with great thoughtfulness.
i do understand where you are coming from though, the situation with your partner is a separate issue to contact with your daughter...Whilst you need to give your partner space and time, this is the opposite to what is required with regards to contact, which needs to be regular and sustained to allow you both to establish a close and loving bond.
I want to urge you to continue to be patient and caring but there is a necessity here to push for contact, how to do both simultaneously is the dilemma 🙁
How about having a third party, say her mother or someone else that has the trust of you both, sit in on a discussion about how best to go forward. Make it clear to her that you understand how she is feeling, and you have no wish to push her to make decisions about your relationship, but your relationship with your daughter is a separate issue, and one that needs to be addressed and agreements reached, sooner rather than later, for everyones sake.
Perhaps if she could involve her mother initially, in as much as letting her facilitate access at her home without your partner there. After a couple of months of this it could be moved to allowing you to take her out for a morning or afternoon unsupervised, then after another month or so increase that to a full day...If you sit down together and make a set timetable of increasing contact, so that contact is increased in a measured and thoughtful way, she may feel comfortable with that.
I think you have been very patient and I think you need to draw on your reserves and be patient for a while longer. If after three months or so you havent made any headway then I think you will have to consider using Mediation and failing that, the courts.
can I just add that, however tempting, please don't try and discuss this when visiting your daughter. Either before or after. There has to be a point of communication outside of your relationship with your girl. Without one is to be on a very slippy slope. This might be hard to establish at first, but you seem to be a patient chap. Remember that when you're not feeling very patient at all.
I would also, perhaps, avoid the suggestion- which could be spun as a 'threat,'- of the need for something 'formal.' Instead, ask her if she thinks that might be a good thing to do. If you're able, discuss the best way to it.
I say the above because, 'if I knew then what I know now....'
And I think you're in the right place here. Good luck.
The only thing I'd add to the advice above is to whether you can all (including your ex) go out somewhere other than your ex's flat - even the local park. I think you all need to get a change of scenery and an informal chat while sitting on a park bench watching your daughter play might achieve quite a lot.
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