[Solved] Take on full custody from terminally ill mother

Hi there WiltshireDad 🙂

I dont understand why a solicitor should recoil from this! Whilst I have sympathy for the mothers plight, I think its really important to get your daughter settled before the inevitable happens, not after. It would be so distressing for your daughter whos still a child, to have to deal with her mothers passing, and if I were her mother I would want everything in place for her before that day came, and would want to know that she was settled and happy.

Can I ask what your daughters wishes are, she is of an age where her wishes will carry a lot of weight with the Court, if she wants to go and live with you then I think you have a very good case for Residency. Even if she doesnt, the court are likely to rule that her well being would be best served if she were to be with you, but have a good level of contact with the mother. From the issues you have outlined, the neglect, which with the mothers illness will only increase, the educational failings, and the risks posed in the home environment with the drugs accessible to all who may be inclined, your case is a strong one.

The aim of a court in a Family Law case is to base decisions on what is best for the child, and the parents best interests really dont have any bearing. Whilst the court would find your daughters situation very sad and would have sympathy for the mother, that wouldnt prevent them from doing what is best for your daughter.

Have you talked to Childrens Services, I really think it would be a good idea in the circumstances. They may be able to help your daughter prepare for her mothers passing and provide bereavement counselling afterwards, if needed. I'm sure they would deal with the situation compassionately and they may be able to talk to the mother and get her to see that a transition now would be the best thing for your daughter and her too. It would be best for everyone if court could be avoided.

Is the mother bedridden, or can she still get out. I ask because you might like to think about Mediation, they would provide a platform to be able to discuss all the issues openly and the meetings can be child inclusive. Heres a link -

www.nfm.org.uk

Even Relate might be helpful as they help families that are in crisis, again in a child inclusive way. Heres a link to their website too -

www.relate.org.uk

I wish you all the best and if you need help applying for Residency theres lots of advice and support for you here. 🙂

NannyJane,

Thank you. You have confirmed what I have been trying, desperately, to get her mother to see for so long, but was beginning to think that I was completely in the wrong.

I have tried talking to her mother repeatedly, for her to agree face to face, only for her to go back on it later.

I have just spoken with her on the phone suggesting mediation - she said that she couldn't see the need for that as there was nothing to talk about!! Her illness has her completely self-absorbed. She sees our daughter as a possession which gets her cash, as she has never worked...

My daughter is blase either way. She is very happy when she is with me, but gets 100% her own way when with her mother. Her mother has now shrunk to under 4' 10" tall and under 7 stone and so is not physically strong enough to resist my daughter when she insists, or the 6' boyfriends!! If a judge asks her without either of us around, I think she would say that she doesn't care where she lives! Her mother has brought her up doing absolutely everything for her. Her emotional maturity is about 3 years below what it should be, which, at 14 going on 15, I think, is dangerous.

I have, I hope, given her more to think about. Her reaction, though, is to ignore it and things will carry on as they are. She has assured me that she will talk to her solicitor tomorrow as she "doesn't have to pay for it" as she said.

I doubt strongly that she will

I am reluctant to get child services involved. Once they are in your life, the parasites are never out of it! Unfortunately, though, I can't think of anyone else who could possibly have the right to go and talk to her. Her reaction, however, would be to agree with them, agree that my daughter should be settled sooner rather than later - agree with everything. The day I turn up to collect her, however, she will go back on her word and say no.

My daughter has talked through bereavement counseling in the past - her mothers life centers around herself and her illness, so she sees it, and hears about it, every single day. She is well prepared. We also have the kind of relationship where she can talk to me about everything and anything - and does - and so we have talked through it a few times.

Her mother is not bedridden - yet - but has oxygen 15 hours a day. She is not strong enough to carry the portable oxygen tank with her. She also has chronic palendromic rheumatoid arthritis and is waiting for an operation to replace one of her elbows (although, with the current prognosis, they are reluctant to go ahead) - the other arm also has little movement and she is in constant pain - another reason for the heavy drugs.

I would really rather not go through court, but with her mother refusing to go to mediation and, even if she does, as she has done to me, she will agree with everything and then refuse to action, I see little recourse.

At least you have set my mind in the set that I may stand a chance.

Thanks

...you stand a very good chance in my opinion!

You can approach Mediation in two ways, you can invite the mother to attend yourself, or much better in my opinion, is to make an appointment with the Mediation Service and go along and talk to them about the issues involved. They woiuld then write to the mother and invite her to attend, if she refuses they would issue you with a form FM1 which you would submit to court with the C100. the form you would use to apply for Residency.

The thought has just occurred, does the mother have a palliative care team? It might be helpful to speak to them about the best approach to this, anything to try and avoid court as you say.

Think about involving Social Services, you're right they do have the right to talk to her and if she agrees to do the "right thing" then you could request that they accompany you when you go to pick your daughter up, not only to avoid her changing her mind but to give her support too.

Its great that your daughter can talk to you about anything. It might be an idea to talk to her about this, go over all the reasons that she should make the transition now and maybe both of you can sit down with Mum and rather than ask her, tell her what is going to happen. She's not physically able to stop you and once the deed is done she may well come to a place of acceptance. The poor woman is staring her own mortality in the face, I guess its understandable that theres a certain amount of denial going on.

As far as Legal Aid is concerned, the entitlement to Legal Aid for Family Law cases ceased on April 1st, so she wont be able to get it paid for.

Oh dear! I'm afraid I found myself chuckling a little when I read about legal aid being withdrawn for family cases - because I have always paid my dues and supported her, financially, completely for years. Am I wicked?

Is there a national mediation service? I ask because I am 100 miles away. It would be easier to see a mediator up here and then her be invited to a session down there (I'm in Wiltshire, she's in Devon). Alternatively, I could take a day off - it's worth it.

I have tried to talk to my daughter, but she doesn't want to take sides (for obvious reasons - she loves both of us!) and would not be willing to talk to her mother about it.

Her mother is an extremely low IQ person who feel out of depth dealing with myself and my daughter, who is around 30 points higher than her on the IQ scale (yup, measured!). Her mothers retort when things get difficult, as I said, is either to agree and then say no later, stick her head in the sand and do nothing so that nothing changes, or to shout and get aggressive and cry. TBH the agreeing and then saying no later is the most difficult to deal with.

I spoke with her earlier. Talked about this and she agreed with everything I said. When I said we could sort something out, she replied that yes, we could, but XXX was staying with her.

I do feel it will go to court, unfortunately. Last quote from a solicitor was around £10K if her mother contests it - but that was a couple of years ago when she could still get Legal Aid.

Funny thing is, she sees me as trying to take her daughter away and yet sees her and a way of getting money. For me, although maintenance would stop I am not eligible for child allowance or any other financial help - that along with the inconvenience of being a parent (which I gladly take on) makes taking her on a big change and definitely not one that would see me as better off!

Ho hum - I will let you know how I get on

It wouldnt be possible to attend two different Mediation Centres, and because of her mobility issues it would be better if you were to attend at one in her locality. The way it works is you would attend, then she would attend and then you both attend together and with the Mediator work out a way forward. Its not legally binding although you can get a Memorandum of Understanding written up I think, but you'll find more out about that on the website. Give them a call and talk to them, they will advise you. heres a link to their website again

www.nfm.org.uk

Actually you are entitled to child benefit whatever you earn I think, its the child tax credits that are linked to salary...I'm not up on the financial side of things but you should enquire, you may get some tax relief.

You should think about self representing. There are many Dads that have, its very doable. Have a look at the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section one is about the C100 form that you would submit to apply for Residency and the other is a guide to representing yourself in court. Both have some useful information about the process and of course you would get plenty of help and advice from the members here. 🙂

personally, I think you should involve Children's Services. They are looking out for the best interests of your daughter and if she comes to live with you and they see she is settled and well cared for, they'll close the case (they don't have enough people anyway to do work that isn't necessary) and you'll never hear from them again.