Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi DAD.info,
This is my first post here. I've been looking for about a week and feel comfortable to ask for your thoughts now.
I separated from my ex wife in July 2011, we have two boys together who were 2 and 6 months at that time. At first things were ok, I met a new partner over the Christmas that year and in the March 2012 when the ex found out she stopped contact immediately.
By June 2012 with the help of the courts I had restablished access for 4 1/2 hrs every Saturday. Between the June and November 2012 things kept going my way and my acces was increased to 8 hrs and 24hrs (overnight) alternate weekends.
In the February 2013 my ex attended court and started crying in the courtroom stating that my eldest was really struggling with the overnight stays and that my son had autistic traits. As my son was too young for diagnosis the judge decided to remove overnight contact and I went to 8 hrs every weekend.
I had funded 6/7 hearings at this point and was unable to afford solicitors and barristers so started to represent myself. In the May 2013 my eldest was suffering further with contact and my ex started telling him that if he wanted to come home all he needed to do was ask and that I would take him back to her. As a result contact started to get harder and harder so I requested a temporary reduction. I misread court paperwork that came through shortly afterwards, my ex's solicitor had instructed the court that this was my request and it was placed in an order, with the ability to increase from 4 1/2 hrs back to a minimum of 8hrs in agreement with both of us. Needless to say my ex has never agreeed to increase.
My son does now have a diagnosis of autism and severe separation anxiety. My ex makes handovers extremely hard to the point where they can take in some cases 45 minutes, other times he refuses to come because what Mum is doing is more fun.
I have requested mediation which is due to start in April because she is expecting a baby and her 'medical team' have recommended we do not mediate until after the baby is born.
I guess I a writing here to ask if I am being unreasonable in asking for the following:
I would like to have my now 6 and 8 year olds two nights every other weekend. Maybe 2 or 3 bank holidays and every other Christmas Day (I have been refused access to the boys on Christmas Day since we separated).
I would like further access to include holidays, but not until regular contact has been established.
In addition I am going to offer for handovers through a contact centre for the next 3 months to facilitate hassle free handovers.
Sorry for the essay and thanks in advance for any feedback/thoughts.
Hi There welcome to the forum,
.
I think you are being very sensible in your approach, what you are asking for isn't beyond what you should expect and the fact that you are looking at contact centre for hand over hopefully things should go smoother.
.
We can help you through out with advice and support so ask anything you need to know.
.
GTTS
Thanks GTTS.
It's good to hear that, because when you have keep getting told it's unreasonable you start to believe it.
Does anyone here have any experience with courts and a child with ASD as this is the trump card that my ex wife keeps using?
Hi there
I'm with GTTS, I don't believe you're being at all unreasonable. Alternate weekends and a share of the school holidays is the courts fall back position. I do think that's it's important that you try and get as much definition into any final order though, your ex has proven to be obstructive so leaving decisions open, "to be agreed between the parties" isn't really a good idea.
As your son has been diagnosed with ASD its more important than ever to get him settled into a routine, try and learn as much as you can about his condition and show that you want to be able to support him and your ex, to provide him with the best chance of positive outcomes.
The well being of your other child is also important and again he will need you to be there for him...ASD will test you both and take time away from him, when there are appointments to attend and episodes where your ASD son will need more attention. Once you have learnt more about his condition it will also help you to produce arguement for why it's important that you be involved consistently.
All the best
Thanks Mojo,
I am currently taking a distance learning course called Understanding Autism as well as attending a Cygnet Course in the next few months.
Ian trying to have done as much as possible as mediation is currently due to start mid April. I do not expect her position to change at all so I am simultaneously going to be getting the C100 completed and submitted so that if mediation falls down or does not work I do not have to wait another 12 weeks for a court hearing.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.