[Solved] Some inspiration for struggling Dads

Hey everyone. I thought i'd give something back, and hopefully my words here will give a little inspiration to some of you.

This forum was incredibly helpful to me 18 months ago, when my ex stopped me seeing my kids and I had to go for residency.

I split up with my ex when she was six months pregnant with our second child, after she'd emptied my bank account while I was at work for the umpteenth time and wouldnt tell me where the money had gone. I was left unable to pay the rent, food, bills, etc and had to decide to put the kids and me first. Of course, it didnt take long before she went 'youre never seeing the kids again'.

I filled in the court forms, and given that she had police cautions for domestic violence on me etc the court date was processed quickly.

She got a really unscrupulous solicitor to give her legal aid, despite the fact that all police involvement was against her. I fortunately had received a small inheritance between splitting and the court, and my parents were happy to loan me more to cover my own solicitor, which I had to pay out of my own pocket as I was earning about £50 a month more than the limit for legal aid.

My previous posts on here go through the court story, but for now suffice it to say I ended up with 50/50 shared residency even though the Section 8 was, in the judges words, 'incredibly badly put together' and negative about me despite my decent professional standing, dedication to the kids, and lack of convictions/cautions etc. It was incredibly negative about my ex, containing so much I didnt know, such as her saying she hated the kids to social services, the police having been called out on a number of occasions when shed left the kids in the house on their own at night, everything. It showed just how badly fixed the system is against men- as my solicitor said, if just a couple of the things that she had done had been things I had done, I wouldnt have been able to see the kids again!

But anyway, I'm now almost a year on from court, and things are really good. My ex has repeatedly tried to cause trouble in the last year, but we're now at a point where both the police and social services have told me they know she makes repeated allegations that are untrue, and so they are unlikely to have to bother me again. The reason she calls these agencies is pretty much down to the fact that I gained Child Benefit for one of the children, and my CSA dropped dramatically. She has caused me stress and upset, but it has made me a stronger person- I can literally cope with anything now 🙂 It wont ever truly go away as she cant get a job (the S8 showed shed been sacked from her last job for stealing from her employer, she's gone through another eviction for not paying the rent in the last year too) but who cares, I see her on handover for less than 20 mins a month and ignore the abuse she still continues to try and give me.

At first it was hard having seven days out of every fourteen without the kids (prior to her stopping contact, i'd always been the main parent- when my youngest was born, before she stopped access, he was born midweek and I had him ten nights out of the next fourteen, while also working full time- note 1, always keep a diary of when you have your children once you separate, it's a powerful tool, one of her assertions in court was that I hardly ever had the kids, we were easily able to prove that I had them more than 65% of the time). I started to do things for myself for the first time in years during these days without the kids. I'm still paying off the solicitor, and indeed it will be another year before his costs are covered, but I sat down and worked out I could still have about £300 a month after my general costs every month, so I decided to use this well.

Once your court days are over, make life about becoming the person you want to be for your kids. I started to make menus and learned to cook- from YouTube videos and books, and I have dropped to 12 stone now, the lightest i've been in a decade. I also feel healthier, and some of the kids favourite foods are dishes I make for them. I go out cycling a bit, and for the ultimate treat I found a local day spa that does passes for £15, which is a really relaxing activity and something i'm enjoying.

Use your anger to give you drive. I lost access to my old stepson through court, which will always upset me. When I get angry at this, I force myself to stop thinking and turn myself to creative tasks. By doing this, i've redecorated the house and it looks brilliant, and i've launched a new side business. Yeah my side business might only make £100 this year, but at least i'm working towards something independent of my job. If in a few years time it makes £1000 in a year, that's the Council Tax paid. If it makes £2000, thats the tax and a little holiday away for us- and making £2000 in a small business is pretty easy, heck you could buy 1000 things from charity shops and eBay them and probably make more than that. Best case scenario here is my side business becomes something I can work on with my kids when they are teenagers to give them really decent pocket money which they have earned themselves 🙂

Plan out on paper what you want to do with your kids over the next few years. Time goes so quickly once court is over, and with school/work/shopping etc its easy to drift through a few months without really having done anything with the time. Plan in swimming once a month or something, and when your income increases add in more treats. A premier inn hotel night away with you and the kids in one room is exciting and a real treat for them, the rooms can be had for £19 and all cities have play centres and museums so what you do on your day away doesn't need to be too expensive. Now that we're a year on, my little girl has started riding lessons at the local riding centre, £36 a month for two lessons is [censored] good value to me as she is so happy doing it.

For me, court seemed to take forever and i'll always be sad that a boy who I considered my son won't see me again. It wouldnt have been his choice, but I offered every opportunity to his mother to do the right thing, and she just wanted me to have to spend money I didnt have in court.

Things do seem to work out. I'm pushing on to become a great Dad, and my kids are extremely happy being with me so much of the time. There were so many weeks when I thought this would never happen, but I stuck it out and kept pushing and now she can never say 'Youre not seeing the kids again' unless she wants to possibly go to prison.When CSA is replaced with CM I wont ever have to pay her again, every penny I earn can go directly to making my kids lives good.

My last thing is to see it from your kids perspective. I asked my girl a few weeks ago which house she thought she spent most of her time at. Of course, it's a 50/50 split with the days allocated in the final court document so the logical answer would be both.... but given the effort, thought, and care I put into their time here, I wasn't too shocked when she said that she spent much more time here than at her mums. For a kid, it's about the quality of the time they spend with you- get down on the floor, play with them, blast YouTube music videos and dance with them, go for walks on the beach and make them some decent food. I respect every man who is going through a bitter battle with a vindictive ex, but gents i'm here to say- it will get better, it's a long fight but well worth it.

Thanks and respect to everyone who commented and conversed with me in the past on here. You've changed my life 🙂