Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi all, I’m after some advice really.
I separated from my ex wife three years ago now, won’t go into too many details as it would go on for ages why!
Our children, 7 and 9, have lived with me since the separation and the kids stay one to two nights each week with her and I tried to split the holidays fairly. I get the child benefit and some maintenance which took two and a half years to get as they refused to pay me anything. Over that time there has been various altercations normally started by her new wife, which end up with them threatening me with court or social services and causing distress to our kids. Often the kids have said they didn’t want to stop on the mother’s night and that starts the rows. I do understand why she’d be upset but I will never force them to go against their will and she doesn’t listen to the reasons why they have said no.
When I speak to my ex we normally are very amicable and can agree arrangements regarding the kids, when her wife gets involved it spirals and that is too frequent. I’ve started mediation twice in order to get something in writing without her wife’s involvement and twice she hasn’t attended. I’ve read loads saying court is a last resort, I don’t want to cause our kids any stress as our eldest is already receiving one to one sessions at school over anxiety, but same time I can’t live going week to week not knowing if it will kick off or that the ex will change arrangements, which happens almost every 6 weeks.
Just wondered is it worth me going to court to get it legal that I have custody? I have 3 months before my c100 form from the mediator expires
Thanks
hi,
at the moment are the children seeing their mum? I don't think you should go to court over this. It should be for more serious issues like one parent is being denied access to the children. You mention that your ex's partner gets involved, how do you communicate about the kids arrangements?
As long as you are encouraging and promoting contact then you arent doing nothing wrong. If you are then i wouldnt be applying to court at this stage and i would actually let them attempt to make an application instead. The children live with you and you get all the benefits so that would prove you been resident parent for a while. If she. did take you to family court she would need to attempt mediation 1st . If it did go to court its likely Cafcass would need to ascertain the childrens wishes and feelings. They are however fairly young still . Its highly likely they would only order similar to what they have already unless there appears to be safeguarding issues and you will remain resident parent. .
You are in a very good position so probably best to do nothing and let them make application . Social services would only tell your ex to get legal advice. If there are very good reasons why they dont want to go family courts would get to bottom of it if it ends up going that way.
Custody of children is an old concept and the terminology now is parental responsibility. That means both parents should make decisions on the big things like which school the children go to (easier said than done). The parent the child is with can make day to day decisions about their care. It sounds as though the children will eventually vote with their feet and their wishes will be taken into account. Probably best to wait until the review in three month and I agree with Bill that court doesn't seem appropriate at the moment
Thanks for the replies.
To answer some of the points, yes the kids do see their mother. I've always been firm they need to see her without pushing them and she needs to have involvement in their lives.
I communicate with her, up to September last year her wife would also contact me and I'd have both of them getting involved. However I stopped that after two instances, one when they refused to let the kids come back home to me and another when they came round my home getting aggressive. So the following day I made it clear to my ex I will only communicate with her and I want nothing to do with her wife. Of course I'm accused weekly of pushing her out but that don't bother me.
The kids have made it known to me and the school counsellor they want to stay with me. It's deciding whether to get this sorted in court that's troubling me.
Have you talked through the options and what they mean with your children - you don't have to go down into detail, but if they think that they are involved in the process, and it's not just something that happens to them, it might give you a clearer idea of the best steps to take.
Yes I've spoken to them. If it means they can stay with me then they are happy but they don't want to go to court or anything. I think it boils down to their mom saying she'll go to court and the police will drag them out the house if they don't want to go to theirs.
The children won't have to appear in court, if that's what you mean and they are worried about (they will probably be spoken to by a cafcass officer, but that is in a very non-formal way), but if it's just that they don't want the hassle, then that's different. Have you spoken to their school about getting them pastoral support - that's totally confidential (so they won't disclose anything to you without their permission) and could help them quite a bit.
The children won't have to appear in court, if that's what you mean and they are worried about (they will probably be spoken to by a cafcass officer, but that is in a very non-formal way), but if it's just that they don't want the hassle, then that's different. Have you spoken to their school about getting them pastoral support - that's totally confidential (so they won't disclose anything to you without their permission) and could help them quite a bit.
Police wont get involved and certainly wont drag your kids out of the house. They will tell your ex to obtain legal advice
My daughter is already having pastoral care and anxiety issues over what’s happened, I’m left picking up the pieces every time her and her wife play their silly games. The sad thing is I can see this continuing until both kids are 11 at least, having pressure put on them to stay and not listening to what the kids want to do.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.