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Hi Folks,
This is a long one, sorry for the massive back history, but I am trying to work out if I should go for residency or not.
Summarised history - separated early 2012, divorced started by ex five months laters - divorice finally granted mid 2015. During divorce proceedings my ex withheld contact with the children (we had two together) a couple of times (though time was made up). She has also imposed restrictions what I could ot could not do while I had the children from time to time. Suggestions for mediation to sort out communications problems between us have always been rebuffed.
Early last year my ex started contacting social services about my supervision of the children while they were in my care and accusations of bullying of my youngest by my step son. The next time I saw the children my youngest was scared of being with my step son dispite him having no problems in the two and half years he had known him up to then. We quickly calmed his fears (there was no bullying) and everything was fine. I got a second call from social services a few weeks later again about my supervision of the children while in my care (social services have never had a problem with my supervision of the children). I was then told by my ex that she had to beg social services to let me keep seeing the children as they want contact to stop immediately and take me to court unless I supervised the children at all times. At this point, given she had refused access previously, I went to court and obtained a child arrangement order (representing myself).
After the order I still get calls from social services (I obtain a transcript of all the calls made to social services about my eldest), My children become so fearful about going outside that they are scared of weeding in the front garden, my eldest starts self harm (hitting himself over the head) and is eventually referred to counselling for anxiety. I can't attend the inital counselling sessions as I am working away. In the summer my ex tries to take me to court as I am not supervising the children to her satisfaction claiming that I am in breech of the child arrangement order. This culminates in me receiveing 8 or 9 copies of the same solicitors letter (two hand delivered by my ex in laws, one to my mother and one to my pregnant OH, late at night, when she happens to be alone which resulted in her having to go to hospital the next day because of raised blood pressure). That was stopped with a letter from my solicitor.
In Oct/Nov ex requests last half of summer hols so she can plan her wedding - I ask for last weekend of summer hols as I know she is at work those days - it gets refuse as they have specific plans. I ask for the whole of the spring half term as I have given her the May half term (she usually goes away then) - it gets refused as they have plans (and for the first day or so when I have the children in the spring half term my youngest repreatedly says he does want to be with me for five days only two). Ex also makes a request that I have the children for only the first half of the summer hols in the following year as both children get distressed after being with me (they don't get distressed when I have them and the school hasn't seen anything after they have spent time with me).
In January ex attended paediatrician's appontment (I am not told about this) - asks me to call her and I was told that my eldest had been diagnosed with ASD. Call paediatrician - no he hasn't he has just been put on the waiting list for assessment because of various behaviour ex has seen.
Ex attends counselling session - again not told about this (third one my eldest has been to, so far he has not seen counsellor on his own) and eldest is discharged as counselling can not help children with ASD (counsellor is told that paediatrician has seen clear and overt signs of ASD).
I get ex to take eldest to GP as he looks depressed - am told that counselling will not help with ASD. Am told that eldest has gone for knives, run into roads etc. Eldest is now openly saying he has ASD.
Am told that I can only have the children at the beginning of the hols as eldest has ASD and can not cope with change or tranisiton. I cannot do this, my work, my OH work and how she has arranged access with her ex mean that we would not have the children together as a family and I and OH would be taking time off work separately.
Unusually contact weekends had continued during the school holidays until the school easter holidays when contact is stopped on what would have been normal contact weekend. I take her to court for breech, it is pointed out that the arrangement order is too vague for me to do this so I go for a variance in the order.
Cafcass no longer involved in court action as they see two children who are fed, clothed and attend school.
At court hearing to sort out variance of order ex and I cannot agree so asked to make statements and come back to court later in the year.
Eldest runs away while during a contact weekend, lose him for about 10/15mins. Tell ex, she's not concerned,Start getting text messages from eldest saying he needs somewhere to hide when he gets anxious. I say I will listen to him when I see him next. Messages during the week get more desparate to the point he's saying that he wants to kill himself. I say he needs to see a counsellor - ex finally takes him to the GP four days after the first threat of suicide (which she is now playing down).
This summer see paediatrician with ex - she doesn't mention the suicidal thoughts of my eldest - I request that I see the paediatrician on my own. Show him texts messages etc. with all of us back in his room he then states that eldest does not have ASD and re-refers him to counselling.
Eldest is showing signs of emotional abuse:
• withdrawn
• anxious
• depressed
• aggressive
• wets the bed
• soils clothes
• takes risks
• self–harm
• thoughts about suicide
Both Cafcass and social services not interested, they see no problem with someone claiming a child has a condition he has not been diagnosed with - all evidence I have is circumstantial.
We've made statements to court - ex's is a never ending series of lies, including fabricated evidence! ex is a complusive and convincing liar (will the court actually come down on her like a ton of bricks for this?).
It is clear that being with their mother, having unsupervised contact with their mother is bad for the children's mental wellbeing.
What should I do? Do I go for residency? There is an added issue that I don't think I can afford the court fees if I do go for residency (I now have a barrister representing me)
Hi there
This is an upsetting situation for you and seems to have been going on for a long time. Would you mind telling me how old your eldest child is? Is he under CAMHS? If not I think the GP should be referring him. It's so difficult to get a child with mental health issues the proper help.
As far as residency, if you are saying that Social Service and CAFCASS don't think,there's any issues with the mothers parenting, it would be an uphill struggle. I would suggest that you try and gather as much information about your child's situation, if you can get letters from the paediatrician to state that he never gave a diagnosis of ASD and try and discredit the mother in that way....it won't be easy I'm afraid.
What does your barrister say about going fr residency?
I'm speaking to my solicitor on Monday - but so far they have been non-committal - it's up to me.My barrister may have a different opinion - but I've yet to speak to them.
I've been speaking to the schools since last year - they don't see any issues with the chilfdren so they have no safe-guarding/welfare concerns.
I've got statements from ex saying she has informed the school that my eldest has ASD (autism) - school have never been told. As far as CAFCASS and the school are concerned (though the school now has a copy of the text messages in which my eldest threaten to kill himself and the claims that he had ASD so if CAFCASS/social services ever did go back to thenm they have evidence of something) it is a case of she said/he said as there is no 'offical' evidence of abuse of cause of concern about the children's welfare. The school has said that my concerns are not serious enough to get a social worker assigned as they are too over stretched at the moment - the price of austrity seems to be state endorsed emotional abuse of children
While I have kept social servcies updated, I have also refused, until my eldest started to threaten suicide, to let them get involved as my ex is a consummate liar and will lie her way out of any situation (and then accuse me of aggressive and controling behaviour - and say what I am doing is just part of the abusive behaviour I exhibit towards her). Social services also did not see an issue with a mother claiming her child has ASD even if they had not been diagnosed
My eldest is nine and a half - he was under CAMHS until Feb this year and has just been re-referred. Everytime my ex has taken the children to the GP since Feb she has been told that there is nothing they can do - they won't refer to counselling - I have no idea what she is telling the GP (though I can ask to see the practice records again) - and the last visit she in July she did not see the GP but the Practice Nurse. But whenever she goes to the GP I told by my ex that the GP says she is doing everything right. There is a clear issue with my ex not getting the eldest the treatment they need despite having been disgnosed with anxiety - isn't denial of medical treatment child abuse?
I seem to be facing an uphill struggle in getting social services to see the emotional abuse - and they would look at the situation as my eldest is now on the waiting list to get the treatment they need and ignore they fact that my ex got my eldest discharged in Feb. I have even contacted the NSPCC who say they cannot to anything until a victim of abuse comes forward and says they are being abused!! Emotional abuse is so underhand they will never know until they look back years later.
I beleive that my ex feels if she claims to the court the children are distressed after being with me for an extended period the court will side with her and I will be left taking holidays on my own with my two eldest children and not sharing any with my OH, our child and my step son. It almost seems like a ploy by my ex to distupt my family life as much as possible.
I fear that if I go for residency and fail my ex will make my lfe with our children even more difficult (there are indictors of parental alienation by her) and if I win she will be difficult and further alientate my children from me ( I can see her manipulating the children to say they want to live with her if I have residency).
The advice I had from two separate barristers when I was considering going to residency was that it's a VERY big step for the courts to make, and in order to support it, you really need evidence from 3rd parties (schools, ss, GP) etc that the resident parent is causing harm,
Thanks for the reply - that's what I feared.
I recently saw the children after a five week gap. Youngest was in tears second night because they missed thier mum so much (they were only with me from Friday to Sunday!) We took them swimming and both terrified of the deep end of the pool (the first question the eldest asked when we said we would go was 'How deep is the pool?'), though both can swim (and the youngest used to fearless in the water).
I think I'm left with hoping she stops using and manipulating the children or they see her for what she is and ask to live with me.:(
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