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Hi.
I am at my wits end and would appreciate any advice.
Shortened history :
I have a daughter who is almost 7 yrs old
Me and her Mom weren't married, and split up in March 2011 as she started seeing someone else
Since March 2011 I have had my daughter every other weekend Friday to Monday and half of the school holidays
I have also had her extra days/weeks to help my ex out - especially when was having a hard time in new relationship
Never missed a maintenance payments
Taken my daughter abroad every year since we split
I married my now wife in July 2013 and we started living together in December 2012.
My now wife has helped for the last 4 years raise my daughter during the time she stays with us, and my step-son who is 10 years old.
My ex has in the past over reacted on stupid things and threatened to stop access ( example - I refuse to shower my daughter twice a days like my ex does )
The main bit - Me, my wife, my daughter, and my step son all went abroad on August 6th this year for 10 nights in Spain. During the holiday, and indeed the few weeks prior to the holiday, my daughter's behaviour was absolutely awful. Getting quite violent towards my step son and myself. Also saying absolutely vile things about every member of my family, and also my daughters Mom, and even my late Mom who died 3 years ago. I have texted and kept my ex up to date with all these things as I believe she needs to know how our daughter is behaving so as to try and continue discipline etc at her house to stop it getting worse.
I dropped my daughter to her moms on Sunday 16th August. I even suggested I come into the house and discuss her awful behaviour as it needs sorting out. Ex refused, as she has done in the past as will not take any criticism about daughters behaviour ( especially from me or my wife ) and just dismisses it.
During the following 5 days she would not answer the phone so I could talk to my daughter. On the Friday 21st August she called me and advised me that until a police investigation is completed, due to an incident on holiday, I could not see my daughter. I was extremely upset by this and confused.
The following Monday (24th) she telephoned me and said that I could see my daughter but on 3 conditions. 1) I do not bring her any where near where I live ( I live in Tamworth and my daughter and her Mom and her partner/step dad live in Dudley ) 2) My daughter is not to see or speak on the phone to my wife or step son. 3) I am not to talk to my daughter about what is going on. I obviously agreed as my daughter is my world.
I saw her for a few hours Sunday 30th August. I then had her Tues 1st Sept from 9am until Weds 2nd Sept 4pm and had to stay over with her at my Dad's who lives only 5 miles from Dudley. She did bring things up a few times, but I had to deflect the conversation so I wouldn't get into trouble at all.
My wife is yet to speak to the police as they have already told her not to worry about speaking to them as nothing will end up in court, its just to get her side of events. The incident involved on holiday was this. My daughter was very violently attacking my step son with my trainer. I was in the bathroom whilst this as going on, and as I came out the bathroom my wife had to physically stop my daughter hitting my step son. She then with a rubber flip flop tapped my daughter twice and told her not to hit him again as she really hurt him. I must point out that it was a very light tap ( No marks, no bruises etc it was that minor ). Now from my experience of my daughters behaviour over the last few months, and over exaggerating a lot of things to get step son into trouble, I can imagine that she has said something to her Mom that has completely been blown out of proportion. My wife obviously has to give her side to the police which is just a formality and we understand that.
The problem now is that earlier, ex called me and was extremely unreasonable and very irate. She said some nasty things about my wife, even though she has helped me raise my daughter the last 4.5 years with no problems and would also bend over backwards to do anything for my daughter. Ex basically told me that she has now decided that even once this police stuff is over, she will not be allowing my daughter to come to my house for overnight visits or school holidays. She said the only way I will see her is by not bringing her anywhere near Tamworth. I cannot bear the thought of this as we have done nothing wrong apart from show my daughter a lot of love as well.
Is it advisable to put in a contact order request asap and also apply for interim access in the meantime as well ?
From advice we have taken, it would appear that this "allegation" will not be recorded against my wife, so if I applied for a contact order, do I presume that Ex would not be able to use this against us at some point ?
When I put in the application - how long generally does it take to be served on the respondent (my Ex)
Would just be nice to hear peoples opinions before I do anything.
Thank You
Desperate Father
Hi and welcome
My personal opinion (and hopefully you'll get a few more) is that you wait a while to let it settle down, partly to see what happens, and partly because if you start proceedings, it's possible that your ex will push for proceedings to be taken against your wife, so you need to be certain that no action is going to be taken against her (get confirmation from the police to that effect) before you do anything. Once that's out of the way, you need to go to mediation before you can move on to court anyway, and hopefully some way forwards can come out of this.
If it does go to court after that, just because the police haven't charged your wife, doesn't stop your ex from bringing it up so a family court will be aware of it and even though the police didn't take any action, it is still there (look at my avatar).
My guess is that your ex has gone on the defensive because you have effectively criticised her parenting because of your daughter's behaviour, so you need to bear that in mind in trying to find a way forward.
Hi there
I agree with actd, the allegation may not be recorded (although I'm doubtful that it won't be, even if no action is taken, it's still on record as such) but your ex will undoubtedly share it with the court and CAFCASS during interview.
Before court action can be taken you will need to attend Mediation to try and resolve the issues. It might help to be able to discuss what happened with your ex and with the help of a mediator find a way to move forward. Here's a link to the Mediation Service.
www.nfm.org.uk
Best of luck
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