[Solved] She demands I take my son back during visits

Hi and welcome to the forum.

It does indeed sound like your ex is making your life miserable, and you and your partner certainly shouldn't have to put up with this.

One question - what are the terms of your Contact order as it be useful to know the arrangements for holidays?

As to what you can do? In my opinion, your ex has taken control of your life - it may well be that she is bitter that you have moved on, not uncommon in a bitter break up (and it happens on both sides) - so you need to take back some of that control. Firstly, if you have Contact, then that's your time with your son, and you don't give in to pressure to take him back. Second, keep a detailed diary of all conversations, events, texts, emails etc - these will be useful if you need evidence if you take action later.
Next, you need to have more control of the communication. Does she have your home phone number? If so, then check to see if it can record phone conversations, and if not, look at buying a recorder. Every time she calls on that number, set the recorder going and when you answer the phone, immediately tell her the conversation is being recorded - this is for 2 reasons, firstly, it means you can use the recorded conversations in court, and secondly, it will almost certainly temper what she says over the phone, which is ideally what you want. Above all, remain calm during the calls - if she is abusive or offensive during calls, tell her if she continues then you will hang up and if she does, then hang up. If she calls back and starts again, then do it again - she'll soon get the hang of it. However, ideally you want her not to be using your landline.
Next, since she has your mobile number, I would buy a cheap pay as you go mobile (but again make sure it can record) and tell her that all calls and texts to you are to be made on that phone. Then block her number on your current phone. If you have an android phone, then there are a couple of useful apps that will do the following automatically, but if not, every time she texts reply immediately with a standard text along the lines of "calls and texts from you to this phone have been blocked, for all communication, use ". Again, she'll soon get the hang of using the new number. Now that you have her communicating on the new number, YOU have the choice of when you switch that phone on to receive calls, voicemails and texts - having that control is going to make a tremendous difference to your quality of life.

As for the matter of missed contact, you are almost certainly going to need to go back to court again. One thing I would suggest is that when you are in front of a judge, ask him directly what would be the consequences if your ex breaks the Contact agreement again - chances are that he's going to give your ex a short lecture that it would be contempt of court - assuming he does so, ask if it would be possible to have the case listed for him to hear if she should break the order in future, that way you may start to get some penalty imposed if she persists in breaking the order.

Finally, assuming you don't currently have a solicitor, give the children's legal Centre a call (there's a link at the top of this website) for further free advice, and keep is posted on how you get on.

Thank you for your quick response and advice.

I'm used to keeping a diary because of previous events, but what I didn't think of doing is telling her about the conversations being recorded, before I have recorded conversations and let her shoot herself in the foot, however I think this way is a lot more constructive and forces her to discuss things sensibly.

My contact with my son, as I understand is quite standard, I have him every other weekend and half the school holidays.

I will certainly buy a new phone which will allow me control over when I switch it on, avoiding the feeling of being harassed. However she has threatened to call the police, I have nothing to worry about with her doing so, but because my doorbell doesn't work and I live on a top floor, I have always been worried about them turning up and breaking the door down. She has threatened to tell them I have drugs in the house and as I understand these days they will act on tip offs regardless. It would frighten the family. She has also in the past turned up with her family in the car, shouting outside the house demanding him back, at which point I have had to hand over my son in order to cause him as little distress as possible. Where do I stand here? What would you recommend under these circumstances? Many thanks 🙂

Hi

I'd ring the CLC and get some advice from them on this.

Personally, I'd get your doorbell fixed and if the police turn up, let them in - it's not fightening if you let them in and talk to them, and it would be a good lesson to your son that the police are not to be feared. After a couple of times, they are going to realise that your ex is being malicious, and this will make it easier to add a prohibited steps order if you go back to court to get contact enforced.

However, since you have a contact order entitling you to contact at the times your ex turns up, I'd simply call the police on the basis that she is causing a breach of the peace, which is an offence. If she does it repeatedly, then she may well get a caution. This all starts to bring you out of the situation of being the victim and starting to take control. The only problem is that it may get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

Hi,

Again adding to what actd said about the Police, the actual fact of the matter is that this is a Civil Matter, as long as your Contact Order states this and there is an agreement in place for you to have your child on certain dates. They cannot get involved.

If you did actually go for Residency you would need to explain to the Court how your Sons current continuity i.e. Schooling would not be affected as you can still get your Son to his same school.

Its a difficult route to gain this against a Mother who already has residency it has to be said. In my experience, Fathers are generally much more amicable and fair with contact/holiday agreements.

Yours, a case in point.

Hi Swddealer,

Thank you for your Query. We would advise that if the mother of your child tries to stop contact, or make implementation of it difficult you have the right to call the police and have her removed from the premises as well as lodging a complaint for harassment. Although this may be distressing, you have the right to the contact arrangements that are stated within, and you should not have to cut the contact short. If you do have to go back to court, there will be police records lodged of any incidents, and the court may take this into consideration. You should also document all of the incidents that take place, and any allegations that she makes, as this can all be used as evidence in court if you do eventually decide to vary the order or apply for residency.

Alternatively, you can apply for the contact order to be enforced again. On the form for an application for enforcement, there is also an option to apply for compensation, and this may be something you wish to consider. Awarding costs in child proceedings is rare, but it will be at the judge’s discretion. An enforcement application can be made on form C79, and should be filed at the court nearest to where the child resides.

You also have the option of varying the contact order as you don’t believe the current arrangements are working. This would not guarantee that the mother would comply with the new order but based on the circumstances of the case, the judge may decide to make an order that is more suitable. Based on your partner’s behaviour, you may also consider asking the court whether contact could be arranged so that your partner does not come to your home. This may reduce the stress it is putting on your family, and would mean that the changeover between contact could take place on neutral ground.

You also have a right to apply for a residence order if you believe this is in the best interests of the child. For all proceedings under the Children Act 1989 when the court considers a question of the child's upbringing the child's welfare is the court's paramount consideration.

The factors which the court consider are:
a) The ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in light of his age and understanding);
b) His physical, emotional and / or educational needs;
c) The likely effect on him of any change in his circumstances;
d) His age, [censored], background and any characteristics of his, which the court considers relevant;
e) Any harm which he has suffered or is at risk of suffering;
f) How capable each of his parents and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, is of meeting his needs;
g) The range of powers available to the court under the Children Act 1989 in the proceedings in question.

You can apply for variation of a contact order or residency on form c100 available from the HMCS website. Guidance notes CB1 and CB3 assist on how to fill this form out.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us on 0808 802 0008 or use our webchat service available through our website at http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com .