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Hello Everyone,
I am looking for some advice, please. My ex stops me from seeing my son ( 7 years old) since Marc. She got a non-molestation order against me ( since April) as she made allegations of me being abusive to her and my son mentally and physically. I denied all of it. I am challenging this order at the moment. Police dropped all the allegations due to no evidence and close the case. Social Service made a report too where my son expressed that i shout at him sometimes and slapped his face once, which was an accident during our play. It must have hurt him as we had to call mum. This is how started back in March. I got a contact at the contact centre every 2 weeks ( supervised with notes.) all notes are excellent, and my son expresses his love toward me. We have a great fun time together. The first hearing for the child arrangement is due to end of Nov. In the meantime, i completed the parenting course as it was recommended by social service, and they also close the case in July with no further action. in August, Cafcass made a recommendation for the court for the first hearing of complete section 7 and continue the contact centre in the meantime. Now i am worried. My son refused to come to see me at the contact centre the last 2 times. He did not explain why, he just does not want to come. Of course, my ex tries to turn this against me. if the judge takes Cafcass's recommendation to do section 7 and they interview my son, it might look bad on me. What can i expect from here? Not sure if my son is under her influence or just stressing out seeing me at the contact centre as it is not a natural environment and he feels it. Please help me as i am desperate. Many thanks
Has your ex refused to bring him to the contact centre?
@mrstrange my ex tries to bring him but my son does not want to come for a month now. He does not say why. He just doesn’t feel like coming. Section 7 interview coming soon. That is make me nervous
If she doesn’t bring him to the contact centre then she’s breached the contact order. It’s not uncommon for children to say that they don’t want to see the other parent, but yet have a great time together. Contact centres even have children refusing or crying at drop off but smiling and playing happily within minutes of seeing the other parent.
Great that you have positive contact reports. They will ascertain your child’s wishes, versus what the child says. How many sessions have you had a the contact centre? Contact in the community might be more age appropriate for your child’s age.
Have cafcass interviewed you yet for the section 7 report?
@mrstrange many thanks. I had 12 sessions since Jun. We did try the community too, but my son just does not want to come. Cafcass only made a safeguarding report, interviewing my ex and myself, where my ex through a lot of accusations about me. Therefore, Cafacass recommend to court section 7 with interviewing my son. It will happen soon.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by trying contact in community? Was the session positive? You also need to change your position from “My son doesn’t want to come” to “His mum didn’t make him available for contact.” If he refuses to come, she still needs to bring him and the contact centre can make note of whether there is fear or hesitation.
If there are concerns about parenting style e.g shouting then Cafcass will likely recommend that you do the Triple P Parenting Programme. I would jump the gun and do as it could put cafcass in the position to recommend unsupervised contact from the next hearing. It cost £75 and can be completed on a desktop or mobile device. Doing the programme is not admission of guilty but will reflect positively on you taking steps to mitigating any welfare/safeguarding concerns.
When Cafcass interview you for the section 7 report, expects lots of allegations. Don’t admit or discuss allegations which there are no factual evidence for. If you don’t remember the precise details of an incident don’t feel afraid to say that you don’t remember.
@mrstrange really appreciate the advice and tips. The first time when mum raised her concern ( session 10) that my son is nervous about the contact, we decided to take the next session in the community and went for bowling. It went well and had a great time. However, after the report was made, I found out from it my son was nervous again and the contact centre staff encourage him to make it. After that, they did not turn up on contact 2 times and mum reported to it centre that my son does not wish to come and that she could not force him.
I have done a positive parenting course recently ( Parent Puzzle), but will do this Tripple P parenting programme if you think it is worth it.
If your contact reports are positive then you have nothing to worry about, despite your ex refusing to bring her son. Being nervous won't be a reason to stop contact or an indication of risk to harm.
Great that you have done Parent Puzzle! Was it recommended by Cafcass? If you haven't already shared the certificate of completion with the Cafcass officer and your ex, then please do so 🙂 It makes the Triple P programme redundant for you.
If shouting/anger has been raised as an issue and mentioned by the child then you will likely be recommended to do an anger management programme. Have you done one?
@mrstrange I did Parent Puzzle voluntarily. I am also on the waiting list ( due in Jan) for the course of "First steps to understanding my child (ADHD, Autism & Neurodivergent)" as we suspect a mild ASD with my son. We are on the waiting list for assessments, but it so long. i offered to my ex to go private and I pay for it, but she refused it.
Can you recommend an anger management programme, please? I just want to show I am fully cooperative and willing to do whatever it takes to see my son again.
Cafcass and the courts forward looking in the sense that they are more focused on mitigating the risk of something happening rather than dwelling on the past. Therefore it will look very favourably that you have voluntarily completed a positive parenting course.
In fact, they prefer that parents voluntarily take these courses rather than being ordered as it shows insight and willingness to improve for the benefit of the child.
I haven't done an anger management course and can therefore not recommend one. It would be ideal if you can complete or start one before Cafcass completes the section 7 report. They could require that you complete the programme before contact progress to unsupervised. Well done for aiming to get ahead by focusing on what you can control rather than your ex.
Has the school reported ADHD concerns regarding your child? If so, you might want to share relevant reports from parents meetings from cafcass. Other than that, Cafcass will speak with your son's school and interview him on school grounds about: His home/homes, what makes him happy and what makes him sad etc. You may be interviewed by cafcass prior to your son, and might be spoken to again after your son if any concerns have been raised.
Don't be nervous, but just let the process happen. Not everything a child says will be taken as fact or be relevant to future child arrangements.
@mrstrange many thanks for all your advice. The school has not reported any ADHD concerns, its only the mum she thinks, which I support to find it out.
When you speak to Cafcass, don't dwell on ADHD and behaviour issues. The reasons are:
Cafcass won't care because the child has not been diagnosed with ADHD.
The child spends countless of hours at school and their POV on the child's behaviour/development is impartial and carries greater weight.
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