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I have 3 boys with my ex wife, they all moved 3 hours away in 2013.
2 of the boys have grown up, and working etc
The youngest a 14 year old refuses to go to school or is constantly late.
His mum struggles with him, can’t physically force him, he has threatened to call the police if he is touched.
Today I received a letter from school saying they will be issuing fines of f there is anymore absence from school (he refused and didn’t go in last Thursday so I am told)
I have tried speaking to him on numerous occasions, so much so that he doesn’t want to come over at weekends anymore.
As mentioned I live 3 hours away, so can’t do a lot (he won’t speak to me on the phone) I’m the mornings he decides not to go to school, but I can be fined £120 by his school….
His mum is at the end of her tether, on the verge of a breakdown, the school have been little help. I have spoken to social services, who just disappear into thin air when it suits them (numerous phone calls, emails etc) we can’t seem to get anywhere.
Does anyone have any suggestions, I can’t be sure he will even do a full week next week at school…
Have you discussed the situation with the school? Do they know the home circumstances? Fines aren't going to solve the situation so the next stage is taking the parents to court. The court can make a parenting order but thats the last resort. Try speaking to school and seeing they can offer counselling or any other solution. Your son isn't the first refusing to go to school
@champagne I have discussed it with the school, but as I am a parent, albeit living 3 hours away, I am still responsible for his attendance.
He has had counselling, but that stopped, he is on the list again, despite chasing it up, we are getting nowhere.
We have spoken to the school numerous times, a lot is resolved in the meetings, but there is no follow up or anything that was discussed in the meetings put in place.
It’s all so frustrating and we feel we have been cornered here.
We have been referred to a company CAMHS and MASH but just can’t get hold of them or understand what they can offer here.
If he doesn’t (decides not to) go into school on Monday, we will be fined, this is something I can’t avoid as I live 3 hours away, I just can’t get there to sort things out.
This is now having a hard he implication on our lives with a severely disabled son that lives with me (my step son) and we have no idea where to go from here.
All the help, just doesn’t really exist, and the fines will now start 🤦♂️
@bobsp If the school doesn't follow up on an agreed plan then you could try talking to the Chairman of the Governors. You could also try the Education Authority. There will be a member of the County Council with responsibility for education - you can find them online.
Hi,
There is a drastic option, pull him out of school and home school him. A lot of schools have a home schooling policy. Can look into that. But if he doesn't want to study at all, not sure what authorities can do about that.
More info https://www.gov.uk/home-education
@bill337 Home schooling isn’t an option, his mother needs to work, so can’t home school
I personally don’t think it would work as he is so defiant with little to no interest in education.
Hello Bobsp,
Thank you for sharing, about what reads as a very difficult and stressful situation for you all. Your son is at a crucial age of 14, hormones flying round, he will be discovering his identity and having to negotiate complicated emotions. Getting back to basics, would it work if you and your son met somewhere in a neutral place to see if he will open up about why he dislikes school so much? It reads to me like he is having trouble communicating how he may really feel, and this is coming out in the behaviour he is exhibiting at the moment. Is he being bullied at school? It is very hard when our children don't open up to us. Does he have someone in his life he could trust to open up too?
Is he still upset because you are no longer with his Mum? Has he feelings of anger about this? Separation can be especially hard on the younger siblings, especially as his brothers are already working and getting on with their lives.
I read that you mentioned CAHMS - they offer counselling and support for children and adolescents who are struggling with their mental health. They are definitely worth pursuing so keep persevering.Perhaps it may be worth a visit to your sons GP to get his CAHMS referral down as urgent. It also reads that your ex partner needs some support herself in coping with your son. This something that perhaps she should be persuaded to do, as it will help her to remain strong during days when your son is not coping.
I would advise another urgent call with the school and tell them of your situation now. Is there a way they could have him in school part time to begin with and build him up again to full time hours?
Apologies for all the questions, but sometimes it helps to create a bigger picture and to pursue another angle on things you may not have thought of. Keep us informed and I wish you all the best,
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
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