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I have overnight access with my daughter every second weekend Friday to sunday and my ex who is the resident parent is now demanding video calls during my contact.
I was allowing video calls but my ex started being abusive and accusing me of nonsense when our daughter told the ex during video chats that she didn't want to talk or wanted to talk to her other family members instead. I was accused of putting these words into our daughters head and got blamed for what our daughter said, this in turn caused tension and arguments.
Next again week during a video chat that I having with my daughter my ex then disconnected the call by hanging up and when I asked about why she hung up she said our daughter didn't want to talk to which I replied fine I will see our daughter at the weekend.
Since then I have never had another video call or been offered a video call by my ex and instead my ex claimed I said I didn't want video calls which isn't true.
A couple of times where my daughter was either having fun and didn't ask or where she didn't want to talk I never contacted the ex for a video call so now my ex is demanding she receive video calls every night at the weekend during my contact, I told her that if our daughter did not want to talk then I would not force her like what she has done with me but that I would not stop video calls if our daughter wanted to talk then I would contact her.
This then led to my ex harassing me via WhatsApp and after telling her several times I was busy at work to stop messaging me, she wouldn't stop contacting me so I blocked her through WhatsApp this then led to her sending texts constantly asking for video calls and when I said she could have video calls but only if our daughter wants to talk it wasn't good enough and so has now went to her solicitor.
Video calls were never part of the court order and was more of an informal agreement between us during lockdown but now due to the harassing messages and texts I really don't want to deal with the ex this includes allowing video calls over the 2 days every fortnight.
Any advice regarding this would be appreciated, should I just not entertain the ex regarding video calls, should I just ignore her solicitors letters as it isn't part of a court order or should I contact my solicitor saying I refuse to do video calls due to the harassment over the past couple of weeks when I originally agreed to offer video calls if our daughter wanted to talk but this wasn't good enough for the ex.
Hi
Sounds like the whole situation needs to diffuse. If you go to solicitors then you are ramping things up too.. Your partner could stop contact and then you need to go back to court to enforce the order you have and go through explaining everything.
How old is your daughter?
Can you use Skype where calls can be recorded for the benefit of both parties?
It does sound like a little [censored] for tat. Can you not reset and build video calls back in as agreed. It really doesn't matter about making your daughter. You can however ask your daughter to do a video call and so can your ex. Or you both just agree no more video calls but then you lose out.
Going to solicitors will not resolve anything..
@daddy-up
Thanks for the reply daddy-up.
Our daughter is only 4, as an adult I understand our daughter might lack the interest to want to talk on a phone or via video chat due to her age and accept that, I do not have an issue if I do not receive video calls as it was never part of the court order and don't expect them as long as I see my daughter on the days I am meant to see her I'm fine with that.
Things are way past reasoning now, I have had enough of my ex's demands and twistedness. The only way to diffuse the situation with my ex would be by ignoring her, cutting all ties where there is no contact at all other than when I need to pick up and drop our daughter off.
I do not feel that offering video calls on the basis that our daughter actually wants to talk was being unreasonable when there is no formal agreement or court order enforcing such. I was offering her more than she has offered me as I was trying to be civil but being civil gets me nowhere with someone like my ex as it eventually backfires.
There is no [censored] for tat here either, I just refuse to deal with someone who is unreasonable, someone who when asked to stop harassing me thinks it is fine to continue doing so because she does not have the capacity to learn from past arguments, reason or see things from any other perspective other than her own, any normal person would know and be able to see that no good can possibly come from harassing someone non stop, not my ex, she will keep pushing the boundaries until things escalate. If I hang up when arguments start as I cannot be bothered dealing with it or getting into an argument with her she will keep calling, texting etc. She does not think logically or reasonably and has a black and white mindset. That is the sort of person I have to deal with, it's tiring, frustrating and stressful.
Hi
I have been in a similar position being harassed by messages until I agreed to whatever my ex wife wanted. There was no reasoning; It was her way or nothing.
What happens next us the children become included in conflict, either accidentally or on purpose by either mum or dad and eventually the whole thing collapses and contact stops again.
Im sure you already ate but try and br a civil and as reasonable as you can and try to avoid conflict or antagonism.
@ben-41
This is exactly why my ex has harassed me as everything has got to be her way or no way at all. Because I eventually snapped through texts after telling her numerous times to leave me in peace and to stop texting and that if she persists I will block her texts/calls like I did with WhatsApp. WhatsApp was her main way to communicate with me and get video calls before. She has now went to her lawyer who contacted me via letter asking for video calls and not sure if I should just ignore her lawyers letter and requests.
you can calmly reply to lawyers letter and state you do not want video calls, and you have evidence of your ex stressing you out at work, harassing you with messages. It's bring child into middle of conflict between parents and that's not in child's best interests.
@bill337
Thanks Bill
I will just ignore the lawyers letter then as I really don't need the drama. I have offered video calls and the ex refused them because it wasn't down to her liking
Ignore solicitors letters as they are only acting on instruction of their client which is your unreasonable ex
Thank you.
This is exactly what I will be doing. The less I need to deal with my ex after the past couple of weeks or get dragged into the drama the better.
hi,
if I was in your position, I would not be interested in doing any video calls after all the trouble over it. I only asked for 1 call a week in court, and only because I go like a week without seeing kids. Maybe you should ignore her and solicitor. if they push you into going back to court, then that can possibly be a chance you to have get more time with your child if your job is flexible for that.
@bill337
Thanks Bill.
Ignoring her solicitors letter, will that possibly have any impact on my contact in the future if things go back to court. i.e less contact ? Like I mentioned previously this was never a formal agreement or court order to have video calls.
As of now my contact is every second weekend, half of summer, 4 days over Xmas, every second October break and 1 week every Easter.
What you have said regarding ignoring my ex that is exactly how I feel now as there is no reasoning, negotiation or compromise with this woman and whenever I do try to be reasonable she tries to turn everything into an argument, pesters and harasses me to the point where I give up trying to be reasonable with her.
I offered video calls every weekend and any other time our daughter is staying with me on the basis that our daughter wants to talk but it wasn't good enough for my ex and this was taken that she would receive no video calls when that wasn't what was said then the harassment started, the ex demanding calls regardless even though this is my time with our child. She has every day with our daughter except the 2 full days every fortnight and half the holidays that she spends with me yet my ex does not offer me video calls because apparently our daughter doesn't want to talk, I have accepted this and look forward to the actual time I spend with our daughter as apposed to demanding video calls and harassing the ex over it.
The times where I did do video calls and my daughter said she didn't want to talk to her mum and wanted to talk to other family members like her gran and grandad the sarcastic, twisted comments would start towards me and even our daughter and then it would somehow be me to blame for everything and turned into an argument and accusations while our daughter would be sitting there on the video call hearing everything.
She claims to be civil but cannot speak to me when I pick up and drop off our daughter and the times when my ex has spoken it's usually one or two words but the tone in her voice is nothing but bitterness.
I am now at the point where I refuse to deal with someone who is constantly unreasonable, bitter and argumentative towards me and having to deal with the nonsense through WhatsApp messages and texts over the past 2 or 3 weeks is the reason why I am now want to avoid having to deal with her anymore as it gets me nowhere other than stressed out
There is no need for solicitors as this cost money for a minor issue. Next time its your weekend say there is no need for video calls as its about our daughter spending quality time with her father and it is only for 2 nights. When i often do not see our daughter i dont ask you for video calls let alone on a daily basis. If our daughter for any reason did ask to ring you then of course that wouldnt be a problem but she hasnt.
My ex has already went to her solicitor to request that I give her video calls every day I have contact with our daughter, they are even offering me video calls on a wednesday when my ex partner knows that I work Monday through to thursday.
To put thing's into context, my ex doesn't just want video calls with out daughter because she is missing her over a 48 hour period but will also use the video calls as a way to see what I'm up to and who I'm with.
Just the other week my ex was making accusations that I have been with other women/had another partner based on nothing other than her own insecurities and overly paranoid imagination when the main reason she contacted me was meant to be about our daughter not about my personal life.
2019 during contact I had the police turn up at my house for a child welfare check, the police told me that they received a call from my ex partner claiming that our daughter wasn't staying at my house during contact and that I had people in my house. This was long before covid and any lockdowns.
The police done their checks and found our daughter to be safe and happy and put it down to my ex just being bitter.
yes some like to use video calls with child as excuse, and instead want to spy on you and interfere with your life.
@bill337
This has been an ongoing thing since the beginning, it just got worse once we split.
I eventually deleted my social media profiles because my ex partner was constantly spying and checking up on me, going through friends profiles etc that weren't set to private to find out where I was, had been and who I spoke to etc even my youtube profile if I liked or commented on videos, changed profile pictures etc she knew about it. Dedication or what lol
Hi Warwickshire1, thanks for the reply.
Ignoring the lawyers letter is what I'm intending to do, I just didn't know at the time if it was a wise choice but after being told to ignore in several replies that's what I will be doing.
What's absolute nonsense ?
@sparky101 Absolute nonsense is expecting you to reply. Solicitors are only to cause you problems !!
I get you now. Yes her solicitor is a right proper jobs worth aswell, she tried like a bear in court to strip me of any contact spouting complete bull and lies that was passed on to her through my ex. Luckily the solicitors and lawyers that worked on my case were extremely good at what they do, the one that dealt with my case for the majority deals mostly with international and UK supreme court so I'm assuming they were more than qualified.
@sparky101 do you know if your ex gets legal aid?
@bill337
Hi Bill. Yes she gets legal aid.
I have never refused my ex video calls, like you mentioned the offer to my ex was that if our daughter wanted to talk then I would call as I would never deprive our daughter of speaking to her mum if she wanted to but my ex then takes that as she won't get video calls at all and runs to her solicitor. I don't see why our daughter should be forced to participate in video calls with anyone if she isn't interested especially when the little one gets agitated, upset, crabbit. It causes conflict when the little one then says things like I don't want to talk to you etc, I understand as a parent hearing your child say things like that can be upsetting but our daughter doesn't really understand and it then leads to conflict as the ex blames me for it.
As its causing so much conflict then yes best to not engage with ex and ignore letters from her solicitor.
You have many examples of your ex harassing you and where conflict has arisen. A lot of it is when you communicate directly with her. Maybe it is time to stop communicating with her and move to a contact book or app or just email each other with an update upon handover and leave it at that to reduce conflict..
@daddy-up
Thanks for the reply Daddy-up.
I honestly thought by trying to be civil for our daughters sake and allowing my ex to communicate over WhatsApp and through texts that things would have eventually got better but I was clearly wrong. The whole point of communicating with my ex was supposed to be for our daughter regarding her wellbeing.
What do you mean by contact book or app ?
@sparky101 contact book is a paper diary/note book. you just write messages in there and pass book from your house to ex house. App is another way of communicating.
@bill337
Hi Bill, thanks for explaining what a contact book is.
If I'm being honest, something like this should have been suggested a long time ago either through mediation, contact centre, solicitors or court as this would have saved a lot of agro in the past but still allowed important messages regarding our daughter to have been passed on.
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