[Solved] Residency Schedule

Thank you again Mojo, and also to the others that have commented and helped.

I was thinking about this overnight (as you might imagine, this issue is bothering me at the moment). I don't want this to get out of hand; my son and I just want to get back onto an even keel. If we initiate an application for a variation order and hire barristers this simple matter is going to grow and cost thousands.

As I said above, I'll reply in a robust way and our hope will be that my son's mother will just drop this nonsense. We will only pursue the variation of the SRO if she tries to contest this in court.

Our biggest concern in all this is the bias against dads in the family law system. What might look like a cut and dried case to me (that I am much better situated to care for my son than is his mother) may not be viewed as such due to inherent bias. I had to try really hard to achieve the SRO in the first place and probably did about as well as a dad could be expected to (given the uneven playing field). It took me to my emotional limits (and cost a lot), so I don't want to put that at risk when the result for my son (the only important thing in this) has been (on the whole) pretty good.

Am I being too meek about this?

I don’t think it’s a matter of meekness, it’s understandable that you would reflect on your previous experience.

I suggested it initially, thinking it would make her think twice about court.

Can your son talk to her and tell her to back off because he’s happy the way things are? At 14 he’s old enough to express his opinion about this.

In a couple of years he can choose where he lives and the simple fact is, that her behaviour is probably cementing his resolve to do so.

Do what you both feel is right for your circumstances Othen.

All the best

Good morn again Mojo,

Thank you again.

I'm torn on this one. On one hand my boy doesn't like life at his mother's house and it would make great sense for him to live with me for better stability during his GCSE years, unfortunately his mother would not agree to that without a fight as she would lose child benefit and child maintenance I have to pay her as a result. That would lead me to think a variation order might be apposite now - but as I explained my worry is that there is considerable bias against fathers, and so my son and I could lose everything. On the other hand my son will be 16 and able to decide for himself in just 2 years time (at the start of his GCSE examinations year), I'm pretty sure he will come to live here and there will be nothing his mother can do about it. I think you see my dilemma: I just want to do the best thing for my son.

My son says he does speak with his mother (they argue constantly) about wanting to stay here, but he says she never listens and thinks he is not old enough to have a valid opinion of his own.

At the end of the day I have to be able to look my son in the eye when he is an adult and tell him I did the very best I could have for him. Whilst I think by far the best situation would be for him to live with me, I'm just not convinced we could overcome the bias in the family law system system to make that happen.

Very best wishes,

O

I think you have to take account of the fact that your son is a lot older now and his wishes and feelings will carry much more weight, if it goes to court.

What a silly woman she is, I believe her behaviour is born out of fear of losing him, but she’s pushing him away by refusing to listen to him!

Have you thought about using child inclusive mediation? It would allow the three of you to sit down together and discuss the situation, hopefully in a reasonable way, she can’t avoid the truth, your son is a young man with valid opinions and should be listened to.

Relate also offer family counselling, to assist with problems arising after separation.

www.relate.org.uk

If your son would like to talk through his concerns and get some support and legal advice he could give NYAS a call on their helpline. As well as advice and support generally, I think they can be used as an alternative to CAFCASS in court proceedings too, which might prove to be useful.

www.nyas.net

Best of luck

In reality, if your son has had enough of living with his mother, and left there of his own accord and came to live with you, your ex's first likely action would be to call the police, and chances are they would speak to your son and decide that he is safe and that they don't need to be involved. After that, it's for you to apply to vary the order, and if your son is adamant that he doesn't want to live with his mother, a court is likely to take note of his wishes, especially since he needs to be settled for the next couple of years so he can concentrate on GCSEs.

Good morn ACTD,

Gosh, that would be a radical solution!

Whilst I take your point, I don't think I'd be able to condone my son just leaving his mother's house during a week with her. I've always brought my son up to do things properly and to respect the law, and that is one of the stark differences between our two households. In my son's mother's close family the culture is one of deceit, for example his aunt (an ex-solicitor) spent 3 years is jail and was struck off for stealing her clients' money and his maternal grandfather has served a lengthy sentence for money laundering, I've always impressed on my son that the most important characteristic in in any man is moral courage: doing the right thing, which includes observing the law (in this case a court order telling him to live with both parents - separately).

My feeling is that if my son and I do this (him come and live with me) then we do it legally and above board. Regardless of the shorter term gain, the most important outcome is how my son turns out as a person.

Thank you for your candid advice, I'm sure that in a practical sense you are absolutely right.

O

Mojo and ACTD,
I've sent you both (the same) private message with some new details. If you are able to assist I'd appreciate it very much.
O

Sorry Othen, I've only just picked this up... I've responded to your PM.

Thank you Mojo.

Replied also 🙂

Thank you so much.

It is now a month since I received the threatening solicitor's letter, and three weeks since I replied. I hope I am not speaking too soon, but everything seems to have gone quiet.

Thank you for your help Mojo and ACTD; it would suit me well if this issue goes no further at the moment (I need to focus on a health issue for a while).

Best wishes,

O