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Hi there,
I would appreciate it if anyone can point me in the direction of papers or guidelines from respectable, recognised UK child welfare specialists such as CafCass, supporting the idea that : “it is in the children’s best interests to view the parent as equals where they both engage in the children’s lives equally”
At present my ex and I have the children half the week each and split holidays equally. We have a Child Arrangements Order stating that we are equals. There is no Primary Carer or Principle Home.
However she is currently trying to create a new inequality where (to use her words) her home is the ‘Principle home‘ and she is the ‘Primary carer‘, and for the children to explicitly understand that.
It has already started to happen and indeed my daughter said the other day “mummy said this is not our ‘actual’ home” to which is said “well what do yo think about that darling ?” and she replied “I think both are our ‘actual’ homes” she is only 5 and is obviously in receipt of a new narrative, although what she said is very reassuring.
We also have a son (6), and am really upset that his mother would want her son to grow up thinking that his father is in some way a ‘lesser’ parent than she is, this would be very confusing and could really impact on his and my relationship. But she has stated on paper that this is her agenda.
What I am looking for is research papers or guidelines on this matter. I think it is detrimental to the children’s well being that they should be forced to shift their current perspective of equal parents, to one where; one is more important / dominant, and where essentially one home is lesser and not their ‘actual’ home, just some where they 'stay' half their life.
Thank you for your help
Hi there
It's great that you were successful in achieving a court ordered shared care arrangement, the thinking is changing, but slowly. The methods being adopted by your ex could be classed as subtle parental alienation and you are right to try and nip it in the bud... by the sound of it though, your children are more savvy than their mother!
Here's an article that outlines a new initiative from CAFCASS, its a step in the right direction and hopefully it will help you to illustrate to the mother that she is walking a fine line with her attitude... perhaps mediation might help to guide her back on track, but showing her this article might give her some food for thought.
Whilst this article concentrates on reporting the extremes of PA, it also mentions that CAFCASS has recognised a spectrum of such behaviour, your ex's behaviour could be considered at the mild end, at this point though it would be relatively easy for her to recognise her behaviour and make some changes to avoid it getting worse and having a negative impact on your children.
In the meantime I would suggest you continue to keep simple, child friendly discussion on the subject, open to your children and reassure them that both mummy and daddy are important and that will never change.
All the best
Hi there,
Thank you so much, I had never thought of it that way. I had only thought of it regarding the children and the affect the change in narrative will have upon them.
I moved 300 miles post-separation to be with my babies, and have been pretty isolated, so I have not necessarily been aware of the it.
I am very happy for her, her family and friends to think what ever they wish, but not for them to encourage the children to think that one parent is more important than the other.
Thanks for the FnF link, I shall go though those.
Shared care is a relatively new concept, whilst the courts are slowly getting on board there's still a long way to go. Your best bet is to keep the dialogue with the mother as open as possible, and continue to point out that by making diversive comments, she is damaging the children's confidence more than anything else.
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