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I am looking for some advice for my son.
He has a now 13 year old child with his ex. His ex was very bitter after their split and wanted to control every minute of his time. He went to court and she created problem after problem. His son became very emotionally disturbed and refused contact. CAFCASS became involved and eventually recommended indirect contact only. They state in the report that contact has failed due to the hostility between parents but that son is becoming more and more entrenched and no more could be done. He wrote for the first 18 months once a month but never got a reply. He had a breakdown and for his own health he had to stop. He has had no contact with his son now for 5 years.
He is feeling better and would like to start seeing his son again and wants to meet him. He has contacted his ex who has told him his son doesn't want to see him and she won't arrange a meeting. She's told him to write.
He doesn't feel writing will do any good (it didn't before) and wants contact differently - face to face over the phone or something.
His ex will obviously not cooperate. If he takes it back to come are they likely to order he writes? How long for? His ex has said 12 months!
If anyone had any ideas or suggestions that would be fab.
I am worried about his mental health but also know how desperately he had missed his son all these years.
Hello there
Just read your post and I find it heartbreaking. I’m not the best person to advise you on here, but I just wanted to show some support and understanding.
I’ve used this site for a while, and there are some amazing people on here who share some excellent advice.
I’m currently ‘in the system’ having gone through almost three years, and 15 hearings. I don’t think I need to stress to you the effect it has on ones emotions. I’ve had hardly any contact with my children, and the process does seem somewhat biased and unfair.
I’m probably looking at the same scenario as your son - indirect contact. But my eldest son has stated he does not want contact - it’s really hard.
Hi Jonathan,
Huge thanks for your response. It has been heartbreaking for us all, but especially for my son.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. We are certainly very disillusioned with "the system". Originally they CAFCASS officer seemed to be really supportive and very pro contact, but at the slightest resistance from the mother they just back tracked. We supported son with court as we felt it was the only way to remove the complete control his ex had of the situation, but all that seemed to happen was she retained control and because she raised concerns with sons reactions, everything got delayed and delayed waiting for "professional" involvemebt until it was months since he had seen any of us, and then he didnt want to see us at all.
She is very certain that court will order writing. If they will it seems pointless to go down that route again.
My grandson is 13, surely a phone call or even skype would be far better than a letter.
If his ex isn't prepared to enter into any negotiation, then you son needs to look at mediation as it could take a court order to restart contact, and mediation is a requirement before moving on to court. If he hasn't seen his son for 5 years, then it's going to necessarily be a slow process, but he needs to start. At 13, his son's wishes will be listened to by the court, and there has been 5 years of influence by the mother, so he is going to need to establish some form of communication, even if it is with letters initially.
Take a look at www.nfm.org.uk
I think it’s very sad that the children involved can become isolated from their families. Your right that even a phone call would be nice, and it keeps a relationship going.
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