[Solved] Reestablishing contact after absence

Hello there

Just read your post and I find it heartbreaking. I’m not the best person to advise you on here, but I just wanted to show some support and understanding.

I’ve used this site for a while, and there are some amazing people on here who share some excellent advice.

I’m currently ‘in the system’ having gone through almost three years, and 15 hearings. I don’t think I need to stress to you the effect it has on ones emotions. I’ve had hardly any contact with my children, and the process does seem somewhat biased and unfair.

I’m probably looking at the same scenario as your son - indirect contact. But my eldest son has stated he does not want contact - it’s really hard.

Hi Jonathan,

Huge thanks for your response. It has been heartbreaking for us all, but especially for my son.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. We are certainly very disillusioned with "the system". Originally they CAFCASS officer seemed to be really supportive and very pro contact, but at the slightest resistance from the mother they just back tracked. We supported son with court as we felt it was the only way to remove the complete control his ex had of the situation, but all that seemed to happen was she retained control and because she raised concerns with sons reactions, everything got delayed and delayed waiting for "professional" involvemebt until it was months since he had seen any of us, and then he didnt want to see us at all.

She is very certain that court will order writing. If they will it seems pointless to go down that route again.

My grandson is 13, surely a phone call or even skype would be far better than a letter.

If his ex isn't prepared to enter into any negotiation, then you son needs to look at mediation as it could take a court order to restart contact, and mediation is a requirement before moving on to court. If he hasn't seen his son for 5 years, then it's going to necessarily be a slow process, but he needs to start. At 13, his son's wishes will be listened to by the court, and there has been 5 years of influence by the mother, so he is going to need to establish some form of communication, even if it is with letters initially.

Take a look at www.nfm.org.uk

I think it’s very sad that the children involved can become isolated from their families. Your right that even a phone call would be nice, and it keeps a relationship going.

Mediation would be the first step if your son isn't getting anywhere with the mother.
Unfortunately, with such a long time since the last communication between father and son, coupled with the CAFCASS recommendations from the previous case, the process is likely to move slowly, if mediation fails court is the only other option.

Should it go to court, at 13 your grandsons wishes and feelings will carry weight. The mother has had a further 5 years to alienate the child further. However, even if not successful with direct contact, indirect contact will show the child that his Dad wants to be in his life and as long as the letters from your son don't point any fingers of blame, are fairly light and upbeat with no pressure, there may come a point in the future when his son will rethink his decision... at the moment he may not want to upset his mother and may well feel like it's his duty, as the man of the house, to protect her from being hurt.

Best of luck

Hi.

Thanks for all the replies.

Does he need to do mediation even though they already have a court order? His ex has indicated she isn't willing to do it anyway. She has said she wont enter any negotiations until he has written for 12 months.

How much weight will my grandson wishes carry? I don't think he can give any horrible reasons why he doesn't want to see my son, just that he doesn't like him. Is that enough for CAFCASS?

I suppose the crux of the issue is my son would prefer to seek other contact rather than writing, as he has no faith that will lead anywhere. If court is likely to order that he has to write then he may as well accede to that now rather than antagonise his ex by going back to court.

Does anyone know what a standard route for reestablishing contact is?

Hi there

Unless there has been domestic violence, or mediation has been attempted in the last 4months, attending mediation is a requirement, before a court application can be submitted.

If mediation fails, the mediator would sign the form to enable an application for a variation of the Child Arrangements Order, which 5 years ago would have been called a contact order.

As a teenager, your grandsons wishes will carry weight, it’s likely he will be talked to and his wishes and feelings sought as part of the welfare report.

The court will refer to the existing court order and the recommendations made at the time, although new welfare reports will most likely be ordered.

It’s impossible to predict outcomes, your sons case would be heard by a different judge and the reports will be prepared by different officers, which may produce a different set of recommendations.

All I can say is that it’s likely that a period of indirect contact may be ordered, but a lot would depend on his sons wishes. It might be that as he is older, he may be more able to speak up, he may express the wish to try again.

Best of luck

Hi Mojo,

Thanks for responding again.

We didn't know that about mediation so that's helpful.

I think it sounds like the court is likely to err on the side of caution unless his son wants to do something different, so it makes sense for him to write now rather than apply to court. He can then review in 3 to 6 months. If the letter writing is going well and his ex won't move things forward he can apply for contact to progress, it its going badly then he can either keep writing or take it back to court asking for support.

It will be disappointing for him, because he was really hoping for a face to face meet or at least a phone / skype call but its better than nothing.

Thanks everyone.

Also keep in mind that once a child turns 16 the courts will not make any orders. In fact, I know of cases where the child was 15 and the court refused to make an order on the basis that the child was almost 16.

But like others here have said, it's very unlikely that, at this stage, your son will get anywhere through the courts. They will order more letters, run down the clock, then say there's nothing more that can be done. Very very sorry.

Thank you for your response.

Sadly it seems like the only option is to dance to her tune then and hope for the best or to walk away again.

Hopefully as my grandson gets older he might question for himself the lies he has been told and seek us out.

It might be a good idea to keep duplicates of all letters and cards you send and put them in a keepsake box. If he does come looking, you and your son can show him that he was never forgotten and was always in your thoughts.

All the best