[Solved] Receiving abuse from ex of children each visit now..

Hi,

Some of the stuff you've been through, I went through the same, so I know haw you are feeling.

First, however, the negatives - as far as the smoking issue is concerned, I have to say that as a non smoker, I can smell the smoke on my daughter when she has been into a smokers house, even if they haven't smoked in her presence, so it's possible that your ex can smell this. However, as you are refraining from smoking before and during her visits, I would say that a court would not hold your smoking against you (you could suggest to your solicitor that you make a legal undertaking not so smoke for 12 hours before, or during their visits - exactly as you are doing now, but would completely take the sting out of your ex's argument).

As for your partner taking the children out, again, not good news - any court order would be for contact between you and your children, your partner has no rights, and as far as I am aware, a court would only enforce contact between contact with you.

Now for the better news - it sounds as though your children could be classed as at risk from the situation they have been placed in (leaving them with her abusive ex-partner while she went off to a hotel for an evening would not go down well with anyone, especially the courts and social services). With all of this, I would say that you have a good shot at getting staying contact, and possibly even going for custody of the children. Certainly, I'd be inclined to speak to social services - any intervention by them, if proved to be necessary, would certainly make life safer for your children, and could help you with your contact and/or custody proceding. Once you have this, then your partner has more easy access to be with your children without you being around.
I would keep all texts (or keep a document with a letter-for-letter account of the texts with times and dates) - the courts find this evidence very helpful. Also, if possible, record any abuse you are getting from her - again, helps to prove what you are saying (check the legality of recording this, without her knowledge, first though). Certainly, if you haven't started doing so, you need to keep a diary of everything that happens, or is communicated between you.

As for the parental responsibility - she is wrong on that (your solicitor should have told you this), you do have parental responsibility.

As this is quite complex. you need to check this out with your solicitor, and hopefully the Childrens Legal Centre will comment on here.

Hi Solarisninja,
Welcome to Dad Talk and I'm glad you have found it interesting / useful.

I see actd has give a great reply and I very much agree that you have Parental Rights...

I will forward you post to our legal experts and see what advice they can give about your situation.

It will take a couple of days before they reply so please check here soon.

Dear Solarisninja,

Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.

Firstly, you do have Parental Responsibility as you were married to the mother, so will gain this automatically, and this will not be lost even upon divorce.
Parental Responsibility gives you a right to a say in your children’s upbringing, for instance their schooling, religion, if they go abroad etc. It does not give you a right to see the children, and no parent has this, it is children who have a right to see their parents.

When your children are with you, it is for you to decide who they see and how they spend their time. This means that you are able to allow your partner to spend time with them or take them out if you feel it is appropriate to do so.

At present there is nothing legal in place, which means that if the mother is not happy she can legally stop your contact for any reason that she wishes. She is able to do this simply as she is the resident parent and your children are too young to make their own decisions.
If this is not something that can be negotiated, possibly using mediation, then your only option would be to seek a contact order from the court.

This order is legally binding and the mother would be required to make your children available on the times and days stated. The courts are very much in favour of contact and this is always granted unless it is not thought to be in the children’s best interests.

Any court order granted would be in your favour and not your partners, however as stated earlier, when the children are with you, you are able to allow them to spend time with anyone that you deem appropriate, and the mother will not be able to prevent this. The option the mother would have if she was unhappy with your partner having contact would be to make the court aware of this, but the court will not place a restriction on your partner seeing the children unless the mother can prove that this particular person poses a risk to your children. This would be the same situation if the mother were to attempt to contact the social services about this matter.

So your partner would usually be able to see your children at the same time as you do, but no contact with your partner could be enforced, only contact with you can be enforced, and if you were unable to take the contact on an occasion your partner would not be able to do this in your place, the order is in your favour only.

If your ex partner is leaving the children with a person who you believe to be violent then this may be something that you wish to raise with the social services. They will decide whether there are grounds to investigate this matter and if so any further action that may need to be taken. As a parent with parental responsibility you should be kept informed of anything that the social services choose to do.

You are able to keep a record of anything that may occur and this is something that may be used in court, especially if you have written evidence of communications with the mother, such as letters and emails to support anything that you may raise.

We hope this information is useful to you, should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help.

Kind Regards

Children’s Legal Centre

I wish to take this opportunity to thanks everyone that has replied to my question reading through this information has greatly eased my endeavouring worries.
At present the ex is refusing to let the kids stay over night. this is not so much of an issue as at present i have to downsize my property due to being out of work and not having extra money avilable to keep the place on.
Though on the parental responseability order front i am thrilled that this is the case. the solicitor that i have spoken to was less than usefull on all matters and urged me to drop it as i would just drag kids through the court system.
Yet another has since advised me differently that whilst i have daytime contact in order then i should make the most of it and avoid courts if possable. If she stopped this then court is my option then.
So i am going this route though i am looking to keep on in the forums helping others in return where i can.

Many thanks to all again

regards

mike

Great.
It will be great to catch your posts 🙂
cheers

Hi Mike,

Glad we could be of some help. I'm somewhat shocked by the attitude of your first solicitor - the children will get caught up a little in the court proceedings probably, by virtue of the fact that your ex will give the children her slant on proceedings, but that's happening now anyway. The courts will almost certainly appoint a Cafcass officer to deal directly with your children and represent their views in court, and they are trained to deal with children in a way that isn't intimidating to them. The best thing for your children is to have a healthy relationship with you, and to know that you care about them.

If you are going through hard times financially, then you should be looking at whether you qualify for legal aid, if you aren't already.

WEll i have to say first off that i have had to make a few rash decisions within the past couple of weeks concerning kids, finances living arangements ect.
I recieved a call from the ex last week and she stated that the kids were too poorly for a visit on the weekend though they are still attending school??
Also that i would be recieving a letter from her solicitor stating that i could only have contact at my parents house, due to not trusting me!!
They are my children why on earth cant i be trusted? i have worked with adults with special needs for 7 years also including mangement.
Though it appears that a fabrication has been told to her solicitor so i have been painted as some kind of demon in her eyes. I know in the past of fabrictions that have been evolved reference ex boyfriends restraint orders ect.
Well on top of this my partner now of 2 years is a canadian citizen, and has had her immigration staus declined since she divorced 4 years ago. Logged an apeal though this will be declined as instructed by the solicitor that specializes in immagration matters.
I have no work at the minute and am having problems finding it anywhere, also when she returns to canada for 2 years to sort new immagration staus to return to uk to be with my kids and her own too children whom re grown up and serving in the armed forces.
I have decided that i will go with her to canada and recieve spousal sponsorship over there so that i may work and live for 2 years. We have an appartment that has been given to us free by her family whom are in the property building game there. No bills to pay all included by family to help us get straight again.
I have made arrangements to wire cash to my parents to pass on to ex wife for csa payments my mother will recieve receipts to provide proof that i have mantained cover of payments once working there.
Intend to phone children every week to speak with them and send letters post cards presents that could only be got over there and speak via webcam.
On my return i shall enter into mediation to issue contact with the kids again.
Though when returning i shall obtain a 1 bed propeerty untill funds allow for bigger.
I have spoken with a solicitor already a different one this time and they agree that the reasons for leaving are full and proper though i must return within 2 years for contact as promised to kids. keep up on the csa payments and receipts and keep records of when i speak with the kids and what was said.
Keep constant contact with them, though in the long run this would enable time for dust to settle between me and ex thus allowing the kids to grow and not witness the arguments and slandering that has been started between her and i.
I have people in place to keep an eye on the kids safety for me and report back any mis givings they find.
Seems like this may be going on for many years indeed.