Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi I wonder if anyone can offer some advice, I am on here on behalf of my son, his son is 3 and a half and he split with his partner when baby was under one years old, they have been sort of amicable, basically because my son has his son very regularly staying over and I get him every other week to stay over one night, I know she isn't happy that I spoil him and buy him toys and the little boy has said I am not allowed toys, so I don't buy him any toys as I don't want him feeling uncomfortable, she only answere her phone when she wants to and occasionally when he has been staying over with me grandma she has stopped him from coming with one excuse or another, basically I don't have any rights, her mother gets to see him all the time and got to see his first sports day at Nursery but she didn't tell me it was on till I asked and she said oh he had it last week., he loves staying over with me we have so much fun at the Park the Beach etc. Anyhow she has started saying to my son you can't have him this week I don't want him stopping out twice this week, he can't communicate with her as she just says Im his mum and I don't have to tell you anything, she is using my grandson as she knows we both love having him but it's up to her when we get him, surely this isn't fair? my sons name is on the birth certificate and we were wondering should we seek legal advice so that she can't dictate when he sees his son, my son is a wonderful dad and wants to be a part of his life but she is dictating and making her mind up if we see or if we don't, she is trying to wean us out of his life and we won't let that happen, can you help us please
The sad part of all this is this is such a common story that most of us dads here have or are having to deal with.
I’m generalising here: The mothers (in our cases) actually seem to think because they gave birth they are the only ones who can have a say in what happens with their child (never our child!).
They will think they can dictate every aspect of our child’s interaction with us…..where we go with them….how long we should get to spend with them….how often….who with….who can see them and who cannot.
The list of restrictions/controls are endless……and that is what it is….Control (possibly with revenge thrown in for good measure too!)
• I’ve said this before: So what option does a father have?
• Do everything the ex wants and eventually get pushed out of his child’s life anyway
• Stand up for his child's right to have both parents in their lives…..and possibly face a battle/war through the courts all at his financial and emotional expense…..all the while the mother is weakening his child's bond with the father.
First off try getting him to write a letter asking her for set times with some degree of flexibility for unforeseen events to see their child.
If that doesn’t work then write a letter suggesting finding common agreements using a trained mediator.
Standing up and fighting in court has to be the last resort……it could be settled very quickly if the ex’s decides to be reasonable but it could get quickly out of hand like mine and so many others have as the ex takes offence at you daring to challenge her word and control by taking her to court.
If taking legal action you will need to think of her as a wounded cornered animal….she will be capable of anything let me tell you! or she may realise that the child should come first!
Whatever happens the members here have or are going through very similar events and can shed light on things or offer great advice….or are here for just a rant to get something off your chest.
Good luck and don’t give up.
Hi Janet
I don't think Dad I D could have put it any better.
However your son does have rights, but presently you do not (though they are thinking of changing it for grandparents too!). Your son has PR and is entitled to information such as school, education, medical, religion. The child's name cant be changed without his consent. Your son is entitled to have that information I.. sports day etc, supplied to him separately by the school.
I personally think that she is being unreasonable in saying she does not like you buying him toys, its a grandmother's right to spoil the grandchildren! But I guess that is something you cannot really interfere with find other ways to spoil him though! LOL!! Or put the money aside for Xmas or birthday and get a bigger present! As they say, more than one way to skin a cat! 😆
DAD is right, try a letter first. If that fails, apply for mediation, it is not too expensive and depending on your son's income, he may be eligible for Legal Aid. (It is still available for mediation). You can find a trained mediator here
The last resort is court action. Again, depending on your son's income, he may be exempt from Court fees or may only pay a reduced fee. There is no legal aid for children matters as of 1 April 2013 and your son would have to represent himself, or pay a solicitor privately. Many Dads in here have represented themselves very successfully.