[Solved] question re possible custody outcome

Hi Jim

The first thing you need to know is that if you do split up, mum will get to make the decisions about how much access you will get. She can literally give you no hours at all for as long as she likes and the only way you will be able to get any access is if you go to court. To do this you will have to attend mediation first which is compulsory before you can go to court, unless there are safeguarding concerns.

I'm trying not to make assumptions, but you don't mention if there is anyone else involved but it seems from what you've said that she wouldn't be too pleased with granting you equal access to your children. If someone else is involved, I can imagine she wouldn't be too pleased. From what I understand, the courts don't grant shared care very often. Although I have seen posts on here where fathers have been granted it or even full custody.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to live with a partner who has children from a previous relationship. But my honest advice would be if things aren't too bad to try and fix whatever is wrong in your relationship, if it's at all possible. Your children are very young and they will be dependent upon both of you for many years to come. Things can be difficult with young babies but it does get easier as they get older. Maybe just compromising on your problems could be an easier answer in the long run.

Court are loathe to split up siblings and as your youngest is so young this would be taken into account in court, with contact being progresses as the child gets older.

The default position for awarded contact via court application is alternate weekends and a weekly midweek, with extra time in the summer holidays and shared Christmas and birthdays... although there are many variations to this schedule, a lot depends on the judge sitting in the case, some are great and encourage a more shared agreement, whilst others seem stuck in the past and appear to,favour mother as the primary carer.

Sometimes relationships can't be fixed, it's worth trying if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you can't.

All the best

Thank you both for your detailed replies and honest answers. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear but probably very realistic possible outcomes. There isn't anybody else involved for either of us, it just seems we disagree on absolutely everything, Perhaps we got together and had children without really knowing each other. We both admit that we wouldn't agree to a second date if we had a first date now. That aside, I do agree that trying to work through differences and make things work is the absolute priority. We have to be able to create a loving and safe and nice environment for the children though of course.

The default position that you mention mojo seems a worryingly little amount of time spent with my children, I do hope that that would be worst case scenario. Even more worryingly though is that you mention that it comes down to the judge on the day.. this sounds like we are in 'rolling a dice territory'. I had no idea that courts operated so unequally. I'm not a bad person, my partner agrees that I am a good and capable dad, so hopefully, if we do decide that separating is the best outcome for both of us then I hope that we can avoid the courts and arrange something between us. It is very good to know what the courts would/might/possibly suggest though.

In the meantime, I'm pushing ahead with family mediation so we can discuss our difference with a third party. At the moment, my partner isn't keen, but I'm hoping to convince her that talking and chatting about everything we seem to disagree on is the best way forward.

Once again, I really do appreciate you reading though my message and replying. Thank you.

Hi there

I agree that the default position seems skewed towards the mother, but as I said, it's not always the case....but again your anology is apt, it's very much rolling dice territory... or so it seems.

What you should bear in mind is that the vast majority of separated parents manage to sort out child contact between themselves quite successfully, but we never get to hear from the parents that manage this, generally our members have arrived due to big problems, having to deal with hostility and obstruction from the other parent.

Here's a link to Relate, relationship counselling can be done by phone and online now, as well as face to face

www.relate.org.uk

All the best

Hello all, just thought I'd offer an update. Things haven't changed with our relationship, in fact they are probably worse. We seem to be pulling in different directions constantly. Apologies that I've not been more active on this site. It's a tricky time at the moment and separation is probably the best outcome for both of us, and the kids, but getting to a place where by we can be amicable and make sensible rational decisions seems a long way away.. I'm not happy with the every other weekend and a mid week day possible outcome, so holding on in hope!

All responses from before were very much appreciated. Thank you.

You have to accept that mum also has a right to have some weekends with the children, and with a 3 month old baby, then getting more time away from the mother is going to be difficult, so I think it's a matter of being realistic at the moment and working towards more contact in the future.