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Hi,
I'm here for advice both for myself and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has a daughter who is almost 1. They separated mid way through the pregnancy, with no animosity, no terrible break up.
His daughter was born, and he was there at the birth. From there he tried to arrange regular short contacts (2/3 times a week in the mum's home). They were regularly rearranged or cancelled all together for spurious reasons (his diary contains all this information). He was given a total of 1.2 hours on average per week during the first 4 months of her life. To cut a long story short, contact was always with her present, and he was not allowed to feed or change their daughter. She regularly invited friends or family around during the times he was supposed to have contact. By the time the baby was 5 months old, she had her new partner present for the contact.
When the baby was 7 months, and the issues remained the same (no increase in contact, not allowed to care for their daughter, not allowed to take her for a walk alone etc) he went to mediation. She stopped contact completely once notified of mediation.
At mediation she agreed to minimal contact at the most disruptive times possible (during their daughters nap times, and bang in the middle of the day when my boyfriend worked permanent night shifts on the same days each week) and with her still present. None the less, he took the contact, which was now to be in a soft play centre, twice a week. He then instructed a solicitor and proceeded with a court application as he wasn't happy with this contact.
On the 3rd contact (with the 2nd one being cancelled by her) there was a major incident. She plonked their daughter down in soft play, and sat at the nearest table to the baby section. The baby was unsettled on and off for 30 minutes, because every time her father calmed her, her mother came in to sight again, of course she cried as is natural for a baby who can see their main caregiver, but can't understand why they aren't with them.
At 30 minutes, and after shouting at him repeatedly to put the baby down and stop cuddling her ("she needs to learn she doesn't get her own way by crying") and calling him a "[censored] dickhead" across the soft play in ear shot of other children, she demanded to end contact.
This was supposed to be a 2 hour contact. My boyfriend was holding his daughter as she demanded it to end. He said no, it's my contact time, you're not ending it. At this, she attacked him, punching him and scratching all down his arms. He has permanent scarring now from her scratches as they were so deep. As I said, he was holding their daughter when she did this.
Luckily (?!) the entire incident was caught on cctv. The police took their time, but did eventually view the cctv, and decided to send her on an offenders programme. She repeatdly lied to social services over the incident. Obviously it was indisputable given the cctv. So she did eventually admit it to police, once they told her of the cctv.
However she has never really admitted it to social services, and she has no convictions as she was sent on a course instead designed to reduce reoffending.
My boyfriend has been to the first hearing. Contact was to recommence (it had been 2 months since seeing their daughter). She would only agree to a contact centre. He is still waiting for it to start (it's been a month since court).
Section 7 reports have been requested. Next hearing is in a month.
He has requested 50/50 shared care.
She has raised no safeguarding concerns towards him. He has no police or social service records. He doesn't drink or have any other issues. He's a nornal man, with no criminal or questionable past.
She has stated her reasons for not wanting any increase in contact or for it to be away from her as, their daughter has separation anxiety, he doesn't know how to console her, or interact with her. That's it. Those are her reasons.
My questions are: all of the information I have ever read about domestic violence and family courts imply that the childis living with the victim of DV. In this case, it's the other way around. Is this unusual? Why no information for him when he is the victim of her violence and control (and it's proven - there are other incidents of DV from her against him, but never reported. Cafcass are aware, as are the police).
With their daughter being so young, what is the likelihood of 50/50? Especially given that her mum has prevented her from building a relationship with her father, and used that as the basis for why she wants minimal contact?
He knows this will be a life long battle, he has no wish to battle. He holds no animosity. He simply wants to parent their daughter equally. He and his daughter are victims here. Especially his daughter who has witnessed all of this animosity from her mum towards her dad, and eventually, a violent outburst.
Thanks for your time. All advice would be appreciated.
(I have not involved myself in the above other than being there for my boyfriend emotionally, and putting our relationship on the sideline while he focuses on his daughters needs, his ex doesn't know I exist still).
If things happened as you describe here, he needs to be applying for full residency, not 50/50 at this point. There is case law of residency being transferred when a mother commits violence against the father in front of the child.
He should be asking the court to take full residency, while offering the mother supervised contact. If supervised contact is positive and the mother shows she can support the child's relationship with her father and paternal family, then contact should progress, but slowly over time, and maybe if things progress well, one day, 50/50. But from what you described, that should not be the starting point at all in my opinion. He needs to go for full residency, and if your description is accurate, he seems to have a case, especially if the baby is not breast feeding and he has support from either you or the rest of his family.
I should also add, if the mother is committing violence in front of the child and the father is suggesting 50/50, one can argue he is being neglectful by allowing his child to be living with a domestic violence perpetrator, which is another reason why it makes sense for him to apply for full residency.
Another thing, I don't know what his financial situation is, but even if he has to go into debt, it would make sense to spend money now on getting this right, having your child being raised by a psychopath is a lot more expensive in the long run.
I think it would be difficult to go for a transfer of residency once court proceedings have started.
Who is tasked with setting up the contact at the centre? It's possible that he can self refer, here's a link to the national contact centres website
www.naccc.org.uk
He could also write/email the court to tell them that the mother is being obstructive about arranging the ordered contact, which has started yet. He could also have a word with CAFCASS and see if they can assist with getting contact started.
The section 7 report will go into detail about both parents backgrounds, there should be disclosure about the attack by the mother and other incidents so the court will have sight of the DV issue. It's likely they will order both parents to attend a Separated Parents Information Programme, but in the meantime, it would be worthwhile for him to look into parenting courses locally and get them started ASAP. This will work in his favour in court and should help his case, also it will settle the mothers concerns about his lack of experience in dealing with babies.
Thank you for the supportive replies.
I too feel he should have gone for full residency, initially his application was for 2 days 2 nights a week. After the above incident, his solicitor asked him if he wanted 50/50 and he said yes. Before that he had believed he was doing the right thing in asking for 2 days/nights as his ex has another child, and he wanted the siblings to grow up closely. If he felt he should or could go for 100%, and his solicitor suggested It, he would do it.
What kind of information can we share here? Yesterday he received the court order from December which details what information they want in the section 7. It solely focuses on her parenting capabilities. There is no mention of his. Can I type up the questions asked to gage opinion on where this case might go? I'm wanting to be careful at not giving information that shouldn't be...
Mojo his solicitor was tasked with finding the contact centre. Due to Christmas it has caused delays. He was under the impression contact would commence on jan 13th. On jan 12th he found out the referral had only just been completed. Contact is now expected to begin on 27th Jan. But we will see... his ex does have a history of blocking contact after all.
He is back in court on 19th Feb so I'm not sure how cafcass will be able to visit him with his daughter as there report is due in 12th feb. Perhaps they aren't even intending to see him with his daughter as they haven't been tasked with enquiries in to his parenting?
Can anyone offer any further advice? Can I post the questions they are asking for the section 7?
It's best not to post this on open forum as it breaches court confidentiality. The author of the S7 will stick to answering the questions asked of them, so it's unlikely that an observational interview will happen.
Thank you for the advice.
This week he has been in touch with the social worker. When the incident happened he referred it to social services, who did an assessment and decided that their daughter wasn't at risk of harm as the mother had stopped all contact (massive rolling of eyes at this...!). My boyfriend was not given any information on the wellbeing of his daughter, nor was he informed of the outcome or the fact the case was closed.
When he contacted them in December he was told the case was closed and there was no further action, and also the SW allocated to the case no longer worked there. That was prior to the section 7 report being requested.
Fast forward to now, and he has been told the case has been reopened and that the assessments will be redone. He is going to the office on Friday for a meeting with the new SW. Does anyone know why the assessments are being redone? For what reasons would they do this? He is concerned that the assessments won't be completed for court as there was only 8 weeks between court dates. It is now less than 4 weeks away.
Additionally, he has been informed his ex has now got emergency legal aid issued. This means she has somehow claimed DV, there's no other conclusion to make from this. Does anyone know how the emergency funding works? Will she have to provide proof of DV for the substantive certificate? There is zero proof of DV, but of course we know how easy it is for someone to manipulate the system to get it.
Will she be required to furnish the SW and court of her allegations? As so far she hasn't attempted to pull this card, although it certainly won't be beneath her.
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