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Hi everyone
I would be grateful for any advice on a situation that I now find myself in.
I have been divorced for 3 years now. I have been seeing my son on alternate days at the weekend and days in the school holidays over the year. This arrangement has usually worked well, and we have both been flexible in changing days when necessary.
However, before Xmas I introduced my son to my new girlfriend of 7 months. This was a very gentle introduction and done with my ex-wife's knowledge as I had discussed this before hand. My ex-wife also has a long-term partner with whom she now lives with. He seems to get on with my son so there are no concerns there.
It was from this point of meeting my new partner that my ex-wife seemed to change. Over the Xmas period she posted an offensive video of me on Facebook and to my phone and sent me abusive messages by text. She then accused me of sending her photos by mobile picture message of my new g/f and then of posting an intimidatory letter to her. She then became awkward and messed around with arrangements, changing these to a day I was not due to have him at the weekend. This caused a row, culminating in her refusing to speak to me.
I was concerned that my wife was trying to claim I was hassling and bullying her, and her controlling behaviour (to apply for some sort of order against me - totally unfounded as she was harassing me more than the other way round). It was for this reason that I spoke to the Police. They visited her and advised her the implication of sending abusive messages and to stop it, reaffirmed that I had advised that I had nothing to do with the photo's/intimidating letter.
She has now said that I should not contact her by any means/or visit her home or workplace. I am worried about contact with my son - should I simply tell her that I will pick him up at the weekend as is my turn as she has told me not to contact her but not mentioned anything about contact with our son ? I firmly believe that she is acting out of spite and is not happy that I have introduced our son to my partner/the involvement of the Police. I'm very sad at how things are, and the prospect of not seeing my son.
Sorry for the rambling post, but I want to give the full picture.
Any advice gratefully received ......
Thanks
Hi Doe,
Welcome to dadtalk.
Is there anything formal in place to stop you talking to your ex?
If not personally if it were me I would send a txt or email asking when when and where you should collect your son rather than sending one saying you will collect him.
This way there is no way it could be taken as being confrontational.
I'm sure you have been anyway but I'd keep all text and emails so they can be used if needed and ensure that all messages sent are kept in a business like way, so keep emotions and opinions out of arrangements in seeing your son. If you can keep everything as un confrontational as possible it will show you are trying to get on for the sake of your son.
I agree with Darren here, you need to keep messages factual, and record them all. I would avoid telephone conversations or face to face chat if possible, but if you can't, then note it down as soon as possible.
One more thing, you may well have to present these texts to court. in my opinion it will do you no harm at all, and my help with the judges opinion of you, if you avoid textspeak and write words and sentences in full.
If you can't resolve this quickly, then I would say that your next course of action is to look at mediation - I think there is a real possibility that this could resolve the matter in your situation.
Hi Doe,
As Darren has said firstly keep a log of everything and keep texts directly concerning the possibility of contact.
Mediation is an optional thing that you could consider. However if you raise a Contact Application C100 there will be an expectation of the Courts for you and your ex-wife to attend Mediation.
Even if you opted for Mediation originally, it may be that the Court will re-impose it anyway.
Hi Doe,
Just to reiterate the points that the guys have made; you need to keep a record of everything. Document every instance of obstruction regarding contact since the situation began - especially the details of your complaint to the police!
I would avoid talking to your ex over the phone or in person and ensure that all future communication with her is in writing. It doesn't need to be confrontational, but it does need to outline the facts. Explain, politely, that you're disappointed in the disruption to the contact arrangements you have always enjoyed with your son and that you would really like matters to return to normal. Advise her that mediation would be a far more amicable way to resolve your differences than involving the courts, but also make it clear that if she refuses to attend it would, regretably, leave you with no other option other than to pursue an application to the courts. Ask her to confirm her decision, in writing, within 14 days.
If she agrees to mediation, then hopefully things can be resolved and things will get back to normal.
If you haven't heard from her within 14 days, be true to your word and move forward with an application. As Yoji points out, even at this stage you may be required to attend court appointed mediation. She's more likely to attend in this scenario and you can ask for any agreement to be enshrined within a court order, which means that if she goes back on your mediation agreement you can have it enforced by the court.
Hopefully she'll see sense, but there are no guarantees.
Good luck and let us know how you get on!
FM '70
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